Can You Sleep Yourself To Death?

Yesterday I had such a strong need to be there. I called her and went and it was nice to sleep in a house with other people in it. Da wants my old computer. Mom says I should not give it to him he will use it for porno and why do they need THREE computers!

Kamoshi is screaming at me again. Now that I am home once more and slept for a while and someone I think is trying to make some fool of me is after me and making me laugh and like them anyway and I just keep trusting people even after I have no reason for a long time to trust anyone….Is that such a terrible thing? My face is dry and my eyes calm as I write this yet my heart hurts badly from so much crying. So I am going to write this to you….whoever you are….where ever you are…

“Where was the lifetime of your strong arms to hold me why did you not track me down long ago? Did you watch me hunt the rabbit men from such a distance did you see each tear and did you even care? What am I supposed to prove to this world to deserve some bit of something that looks like real love? Is it to be written that the most joy of all was just illusion? Only a mirage in this desert of my heart…Here I am with MY Kamoshi…and no one sees…offers come from barking dogs with wagging tales who are not for me. I could have a moment more illusion if I chose it there are humans who are called men who will even stick a goat if that was all there was to play with…I do not want them or need that so you leave me here to toughen as some fruit left in the sun too long ’til leather it becomes a practicality…and I watch others drink the wine and say it’s fine and is that too illusive for those who quaff it…are you myth we chase for something more than death and less then life…Kamoshi…I guess it will be you then darling…kiss me…give me the love of the dream you gave me…sleep is better than the world even if it’s full of spore and buds anew and why I type another word no one will understand…”

There is no answer.

There never is one it seems I speak like some crazed poetess to an uncaring universe. Some more TV again for the first time in years at just a volume for the noise. CHUP Kamoshi my love! May be you will make me want to die that bad yet? But not tonight. M-5 radio burst early early this morning. One is moderate but more than one is a problem. Funny I did not know there was going to be a burst before I left Silence here to fend while I was at mom’s but as I came home today I saw the reports…I want to just go sleep again but that much sleep…

…I wonder if a person can sleep themselves to death?

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