I wonder sometimes about myself. On the other half of the globe is ‘Pretty’ who is wondering where I am at; how do I tell her they went ahead and shut off my cable before I could get it put into my name. From 1963 to 2005 I lived without ever touching a computer and did not feel the loss of it. I was still very lonely but I read the whole library instead. I miss them all, those people who are photos on a screen: Pretty, Sabih, Pasha, Afzal, Haseeb, and soooooo much Tariq and Adnan for different reasons and Khalid because he is unusual….
It is two am. There is a black spot in the lower periphery of the screen that looks like a scotoma. I have been having ice pick headaches and I hope the reasons are nothing.
The Cherokee guy I met once that spelled trouble drove by in his red truck while I walked outside a moment ago in the darkness and I almost wished he would stop but then, he is the kind that is trouble.
For two days I actually had to look things up IN BOOKS! IMAGINE! I also went to the park every day during the three days I was without internet. I zoomed along in amy chair and even dragged back a huge dead fall branch from a tree to decorate my garden. My neighbor put it up for me.
I notice the weird ice pick headaches and tounge jerks more when there is no human distraction for long time periods. Mom and I spent more time together. I went to see if they might let me work a small sit down job for two or three hours a day at a place I worked at when I was 24. I live now in the same place I lived when I was 27 and painted a mural on the ceiling where a permenent leak always dripped into the bird bath I hauled upstaires then. I saw my environment like this: If they can’t fix it…..make it look like it’s is SUPPOSED to be that way.
It is weird.
We went to Westside’s and he gave me a a certified copy of the marraige licence and all the paperwork I asked for. Mom drove me. It is almost over now….the family that was supposed to be and never was…it is kind of sad in a way that I could never be a part of it but I am glad the last ties will be gone.
I wonder what my friends think that I dissappeared without warning?
I talked to my real brother and he said don’t worry he has an account set up with my name on it he is not touching. I am so blessed with he and Farhad again. My next door neighbor KNOWS DIVYA’s DAD! Divya Patel…..the girl I saw once in the snow inn a blizzard and later with Marlboro cigarrettes falling out of her dupaata at the mosque. My neighbor said her father is an ass. All of my friends back then worked at his hotel when we were in college. He still does not know Divya is Muslim now. She ran from an abusive husband they sent her to India to marry.
I remember Sana telling me Westside should marry Divya because she was not that much older and he could become a citizen like he wanted to be. I recall when he told me,
“You asked me to marry you and I am glad.”
“Why not marry Divya? She is VERY pretty and she is the right religion now….you would be a good match.”
“I cannot love her. I do not want to touch her. That would not be fair to her and she is my friend. She would want children. She is Muslim. Sana is her friend they would make me marry her in this mosque. What about Sajid? He and I have been together for so long and she is not his family so he could never see me like before.”
“OK then, I told you once the offer to marry stands. It does still, but you know I want to be part of a family and belong and be loved too?”
“Yes but you don’t want sex and children!” He shuddered, “We won’t have to be married in a mosque!”
As I look back now. I should have let them push him to Divya. They cared nothing for my feelings as I was not ‘desi’ enough…desi enough to be friends with…but after the PAPER not desi enough to care to teach more.
People say race and colour should not matter….but they do. I have experienced this as the ‘minority’ in a world full of ‘brown’ people who did not think I was brown enough….and white people who could not believe or accept that I did not see brown.
Funny…I learned to hate racism as a child watching someone else as the victim….I never thought I would know what it felt like myself.
By the time midnight came around I was bored and went outside and looked at my next door neighbor’s apartment. His door was open and he was heading out. Surprised, we laughed. He told me if he if he gets a job in Norman he is moving from here. I think he will get that job. I told him, “Hey you got a Chess set????” he grinned, “Yes I DO!”
“Do you play well?”
“No I DON’T…” (a smile)
“Good because neither do I!”
He went inside and got a large box and brought it outside….
“Your place or mine?”
“Mine. ‘Lighting is better.”
“This is sounding KINKY!”
I looked at him and laughed…
“You ARE a geek if you think Chess in Kinky!”
“Just kidding.” (a grin)
So we set up my tea table as a Chess Table and it it still set up that way from last night.
As we began to play I was glad it was not the old ‘Play for clothes’ type of games from my youth because I knew I had lost in the first three moves although I played it to the bitter end.
“YOU said you were not a good chess player!”
“What can I say? I am an engineer?”
I busted out laughing and told him I just made him play it out….it was 3 am. Time for beddy bye.
“OK I am going.”
I am smiling this morning……
……there is life without computers!