Do you think you want to be me?


Last night, and the night before, my neighbors upstairs were having a huge party. Loud music and many guests spilled out the door. I could not join them as they were all drunk and I am allergic to alcohol (and anyway I would have to ‘sit my way’ up the stairs to talk to strangers who might feel weird with a sober disabled woman at thier party.)

It is like this all the time for years and years.

I know life goes on all around me. So often there is no way I can join it. It also does not want to come to me. No children. no grandchildren no spouse even to despise….LOLOL…

All I have, in between the ‘sick’ I fight against and do not want, are time and words and those who have known me a long time know that very very VERY slowly my skill with words appears to be eroding. I hope that is my imagination but I think maybe it is not.

Do you want to be me? Someone with years of time and lonliness, without human touch or escape with any drug, crutch or outlet who is used for sex a coupla times every ten years because desperation, in lonliness, makes even mere use welcome and elicits a pitiful gratefulness??????

Do you want to be young and strong with a future still ahead of you even if you did not get there yet, and in your life nothing is the way you want it….but you can fight and love and hike and marry and go places with your friends and …..

sigh….I would trade with you!

If God promised Hell, a creature, food then surely he would not deny Hell It’s due?

It would not be fair if those doomed to Hell on Earth and Hell in eternity did not rule in the place they were destined for? If your destiny is Hell and life is fair you should likely enjoy the home you were written for?

Otherwise it does not seem fair….

None of us has enough knowledge or wisdom to claim to know what GOD thinks….I only ask the questions of a heretic that no one can answer….

(Nor do I think any MAN living or dead can save me unless it is a real man who has real love for me…

ROFLMAO!)

Where is the one Khalid said was my qareen?

I NEED YOU BACK! One dream is not enough….the memory of drowning in love……

What Do You Think?

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