Pain Is Often Sweet

I do not know the wisdom of gazing on old photos. Perhaps that makes some joyful and others extremely depressed. If, as Carl Sagan put it, “we are the universes way of expressing itself”, then it must WANT to know ALL we feel…bloody wars of death and bloody birth of joy and the blood that whispers from the ground of days long gone. It must hold all of these ‘things’ in it’s ‘being’ as if they are treasures…

I call that ‘being’ God.

God surely has felt all my good and evil in the range of it’s extent and surely God must still love me…I still love God…like what sees your hand cannot be seen I also believe in what I cannot ‘see’.

God has seen me write my own lovers in a lonely room with no people nearby. Perhaps if I had been with someone I would be living what I wrote but the sun is sinking now…I may have much air to breathe yet as no one…not you, not me, can say when the last one will be…

…I can tell you that, more than once, as darkness closed over my eyes I was sure it was the last time and yet here I am so even my surety meant nothing for my ‘appointment’.

Sometimes in the hours of day or night I cry out to God. I never hear words answer and often feel nothing in my heart but my own self-pain. It is by WILL I go it is by CHOICE I believe and also a small voice inside that says,

“There IS more than this”

I would like to be like that Spanish scholar ‘Ibn Al Arabi’, in hopes that perhaps, If my religion were LOVE I might get to the place where love dwells for an eternity….

I would be such a huge liar if I said my heart did not find ways to love in spite of the fact that I wish It was absent…That I cannot see each soul connected to me in whatever way they are connected to me, both good or bad or sometimes maybe both….as precious beyond measure. Even the ones who are missing because sometimes I ‘super-nova’ and bridges explode in the wake of mutual idiocy…

I am not meek or feminine in the classic sense and while I am female it has not mattered much to the world. Still I do not belong but look over the fence…through the windows at tables filled with smiling people and happy things and yet even with that….I find such joy in their joy and such pain in their loss…

The days of snow and grapejuice were so much more than any wine or rose I could have been given. Even today I look at those photos from long ago and those faces and a heart I was sure was dead is alive…ALIVE! Maybe a ghazi makes a post somewhere that makes me smile and know how much MORE courage it takes to live all things out to thier end…ALIVE…ALIVE…while tears fall and things break and will never be the same yet ALIVE….nations rise and fall and angels return and blessing and sorrow shower down equally in measure and I am ALIVE!

Oh God…how I love you…warped…twisted…a stranger to the world….how I love YOU…what to do then with all this love that has no where to go but spend it on those far away times and far away places that showed me what it meant to love someone else more than you do yourself….

After I write this I will still be what eternity wrote on my soul….and I will pray that God loves me and that I will have all my loves with me where we all are one….

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