It Came: The Day I Couldn’t Pray Especially For You


It feels strange. This is a strange day.

It started on the day of the New Year when I became very ill. All alone I spent the night wondering if “This was it?” It wasn’t, Allhamdulillah, but I was not able to do much of anything, including eat, until early this morning when things seemed to settle a little bit. I realized I had not prayed especially for you. Indeed I had not been able to pray for anyone and all I had been able to do was beg for myself.

Today I went to your photo to pray for you to make up for all the prayers I had missed and put the cursor on your head and saw how many people were still a part of your world and barely a part of mine. They are not a part of my world the way you had been. I tried to pray for you…

…and couldn’t.

It became apparent that most all those, who had once been the closest to me, had moved on. Not just to real life but also AWAY from me.

I was fully prepared to be devastated and I wasn’t.

This was also weird.

I am thinking and I am thinking I am not angry at the traitor who tried to show me you can own people. That one owns no one. No one owns anyone it is impossible to put more than a body in a box. I was not sad that another seemed to care nothing at all that I was missing. It feels very strange. I thought that, once upon a time, that you would have missed me but I feel it very clearly that you don’t…

…and I am not hurt by that.

Not many recall the teachers who cried and prayed for their most special students only to find they would be gone forever one day. Life is not like a Buddhist Monastery.  Life is more like a storm that moves across the badlands, quickly, dropping it’s payload of water, wind and electricity until it’s deep and threatening beauty is gone and you are standing there, in awe of what just passed KNOWING it will never pass the same way again.

The timing is strange.

Why this brush with forever on the New Year only to find you are a delightful and distant memory?

I will not have to woory, I think, about the time coming when my life might change again and maybe have something more it itself to present to me then the gifts in the box? People might be sad I am missing but surely they will also be happy I have better than a binary universe to inhabit. I know you would be happy for that Habibi.

Cinnamon, Devil and Habibi…

My Mind, my Heart, and my Soul…

Today I am smiling again. Love does not have to hurt because it is gone in the storm. The sun always comes out again and there will be other lovely storms. Still this storm was most…

…memorable.Did you ever imagine

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