It Was Him

shannonWhen you are online you often fall in love with people. You never tell them. There are those you can never put in the ‘gutter-of-the-human-mind’….

…but you still love them with all of your soul. They become the ‘muses’ for the sweetest stories of all. This is one of those stories.

It is storming outside. I always did love storms. I am wishing to be able to dance in the rain once more….climb on the roof and defy the lightning and exchange greetings with the thunder while mom screamed at me from the front yard to come off the roof….
“C-R–R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-C-C-C-C-C -K-K-K-K-K-K BOOOM BOOOM!!!!!!!”
….I slipped on the rain-wet roof and slid, joyfully down to the gutter and grabbed it just in time and swung down. Mom was crying in the rain. I felt bad.
“Y-y-y-yoouuuu c-c-c-ould-d-d-d have d-d-d-d-died….” her teeth were chattering in her skull….and I hugged her…..
“I love you mom.”, I looked up at her lovely face streaked with tears, “Mom is my dad my real dad or is my dad really an alien?”
She sighed, “You read too much…..” and took me by the hand and we went inside all cold and wet…and I was so elated with my chat with thunder.
Ahhhhhhh…..memory is so cruel. These legs now….no there is no point to think about it just go stand outside in the rain with your stick planted on the ground and defy nature more gently this time….yes….
I creak my way out of the chair and hobble over to the stick, made of strong, fire-hardened Ash that a sister had given me long ago. I grab the worn handle and gheta-walk outside my little hobbit hole into the pouring rain…I stand in the rain and cry…stick planted…and when the thunder cracks I have no voice to yell as days of yore…I whisper to the storm…
“I love you.”
I am thinking about the photo I had been gazing at for about an hour lost in a kind of half awake reverie…lost in those eyes. I hate myself for my thoughts as nothing could ever come of them and I was proud that I had never even flirted or even played with him online once. He was sacred to me…not in the sense of being GOD but in the sense of a person who is so far above you you glow with joy to get even one word. Even my most romantic thoughts I kick myself for a million times. I never let him drop into the gutters of my soul but I dream of those eyes….
… did not matter he would never know and nothing mattered anyway really. It never does you know. I am turning to go back inside and blinding light strikes from the sky with the smell of ozone and somewhere in the explosion of light in my brain the metal melts from my teeth that are left and I disappear into the light….


I hear the sound of sirens and radios. I look around and I am in the air. I look down and mom and one sister are scooping something black off the sidewalk where I had been standing. It is day? Where have I been? I go down…
She closes her eyes and smiles and says to my sister while tears roll down her face….”She never did belong here. I can feel her near me. She will be happy now.”
There is another voice behind me.
“My mom?”
“Your mom will be blessed. You have a mission. You were groomed for it all your life. It is time to go now. Those ashes are not you. Those are an Ash-wood stick and you do not need it anymore.”
“Can she hear me?”
“Do you want her too? Would it be wise? Look at her she is happy….she hated what you had become.”
I watched the firemen come and hold my moms hand and my sisters while they cried with joy and sorrow both that I would not suffer anymore….
“Come. You do not, you never did belong there… are not human. Think…are you in any pain or grief? Do you feel loss? Let them go. You loved them and they loved you as best they could…
I ‘turned’ around………

………..It was HIM.
“I promised you we would go hiking together….”
He was smiling….he was trying not to show his teeth. IT WAS HIM! baseball cap, plaid shirt, cargo style jeans, trimmed beard, one eyebrow and eyes like lazars!
He was still smiling.
“You look JEWISH! All you need is a ‘talat’ and….you….”
He suddenly laughed and his teeth were like mine…slightly imperfect…one front one sticking out just a LITTLE bit farther than the other one…
…..My GOD he was beautiful!
I began to smile back and suddenly was ashamed.
“I am sorry I should not….”, he was laughing softly and he cut me off
“I always was curious what you looked like when you were in your late teens….you look like ‘Legolas.’
I ran at him I planned to knock him down easily as big as I am….and…..
…..I WAS RUNNING! I was really surprised when I hit something solid going full steam….
“UFF! You can’t knock the wind out of me like that!”
He grabbed my wrist with one strong brown hand and I looked and as he caught me and kept us both from falling backwards……
… hand
… wrist
…..slender and no wrinkles….no warped fingers!!!!!!
As he held my hand we kept falling backwards into….?
“Where are we?”
He just kept on laughing… we fell he kept on laughing.
We fell into white wet clouds and he wrapped his arms around my shoulders and laced his fingers through mine and held on to me very tightly from behind…..
“Remember when you asked me if I could make you fly? Well get ready!”
We shot up out of the cloud bank still wet and into the sun and over cloud fields that looked like vast snow-scapes dotted with round rainbows. We went so fast and yet felt no resistance like we should have…..he was laughing even more and in my ear he whispered,
“I joined your Martian Space-time Folders Union!” ,
“Hey that was just a jo….”
Suddenly we were doing spirals and loop the loops and my words got left behind….It hit me then and he yelled to nothing in the vast space…
“Ahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! I always know what you are thinking!”
Up ahead was a huge mountain poking through the clouds! It blended in very well and it was covered with snow.
“K-2″ he whispered in my ear….all your dreams are about to come true.
We flew down beneath the clouds…..
Down below was a lovely land I had seen only in photos. In a valley in the high mountains…there was a green forest and a low rock wall along a road. Details became more clear as we descended. I took a deep breath.
“That’s the smell of eucalyptus trees!” Now we were encountering the resistance of wind and sound. Suddenly I noticed he seemed more solid and the ground was coming up faster. he was warm and strong and his beard tickled my neck through my….
….MY HAIR! I had cut it all off because it was too hard to take care of….now his beard was sticking through long hair trapped on his chest because he was holding on so tight…and I could feel his breath and his smile….
“You are the way you were a long time ago. Restored. You always belonged with us. With me.
Restored? What? How? What was that supposed to mean?
As I pondered this conundrum we hit a hillside and were rolling down it with his arms still locked around me. The grass was thick and green and at the bottom he had lost his cap somewhere and he was laying on his back with me laying on top…he was still laughing….
He should be gasping for air! he should be…..
“I should be letting you go right about now. I just don’t feel like it.
He released my hands and opened is arms and I tried to sit up and not crush him to death and I found myself flipped over and looking into lazar eyes…
“You are not too heavy. I wish I had a mirror. Oye…How am I going to explain you to my mother!”
I suddenly realized I was wearing something. He had put his arms around me again and I could feel material….soft lightweight material.
“Salwaar-kameez….blue….green and yellow embroidery….you look beautiful….not like Legolas at all…We are going to have to hike back. This is trail number four.”
“Thik hai..” I whispered, but I am tired…”
“It’s OK rest a little bit but we have to get back before anyone is worried about me….”
I fell asleep.
When I woke up my hair was a tangled mess and he was laughing and making little long, blond braids in it…he had shifted me around and put the dupatta over his own head and his eyes were smiling at me in the sun that would soon be hidden behind a mountain. He was laying beside me with one leg thrown over my legs and one forearm under my neck while we lay slanting upwards in the soft grass.
His lips reached up and kissed my forehead and he pulled the dupatta off his head as he unwound himself from around my body and pulled me up from the ground until I was standing upright and he fixed the scarf over my head. he had a cell phone with him. He called someone and I recalled another life another lifetime ago when I heard that comforting sound every day. I did not understand all of it but I knew he was explaining to someone he was bringing a guest home. he flipped the phone shut and sighed….
“This is going to take a while. Just trust me. You can walk this far now. Just follow me I know you loved hiking once…..
He was right…I did.

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