I Love You Habibi

He sat in front of the computer feeling a little bit like an asshole and angry with her because she could not understand what she did to him. They had been soul friends for five years and he had shared things with her you can’t share even with your best friends or your parents. She was weird. She was loveable and comfortable until….

…he leaned back in the chair and thought about it. He had never wanted to know what she just told him, yes he had known, somewhere in his heart that it was true but it was never said and it could be avoided like not seeing the cockroaches at your aunt’s house. You love your aunt dearly and you hate the cockroaches. That was what she was like. She gave and gave and gave what little she had. She even helped the desperate men who had no where else better to go. He hated that. But those were cockroaches. She was amazing. She made him feel like he could conquer the world. She supported every dream he had and even once was his first customer. Sometimes she was even embarrassing like the retarded kid you don’t want to be seen with but he was tough enough for that until….

…he looked at the words on the screen in an odd mix of shock and knowledge. Somehow he had known it was coming and somehow he had wished it never was coming and…the words were there…accusatory…proof that what he believed was right and he had done wrong and yet…

Those words.

Suddenly he could not stand her anymore. Those words suddenly made her a joke. He hated that. He hated himself and he hated her for that too. What did he do to deserve this? This loss was as devastating as the death of a best friend. Now she was as uncomfortable as she had been comfortable all those years but, many times, he had known…

…there was the day he sent her the James Blunt song as an underhanded threat to tell her that she would be better off dead than to imply…but there were those words on the screen. Not only the words but the flood of the human heart. The fact that he was her hero. The best one. That huge amounts of her poetry were about him. That he was holy.

He hated that. He never wanted to be anyones hero. He just wanted to be….

He got up out of the computer chair and hit a wall. He felt like killing something. He felt like she had killed something special. You see he knew all about her too. He knew the reality that she would ever find true love was slim. He knew she was a lonely old lady stuck in childhood forever because she never was able to become a mother or grandmother and that all her life knowledge was the same a devdas would have and that…

He went back to the desk and looked at the words on the computer. He wished he could be a real asshole but his mother didn’t raise him that way. He wanted to kill her for being so lost. He knew some of his best friends had shared things with her from mutual lonliness…

…he winced.

The woman he had shared all these things with over the years, as if she was a jigri friend, and she blew it up with those words and he knew he was going to hurt her and there was no way to avoid it. He wanted to lay all the blame on her but he knew he could not it was his as well. That beautiful, amazing souled old jadu with the face he could barely look at…he could stare at her soul all day in facination but her face….

…butter face….

He laughed bitterly as he realized he was shallow, as shallow as the many who made a public joke of her. They did not know how much she loved them all but she said ‘I love you’ to everyone nearly…she loved everyone the way a mongoloid kid loves everyone…even the ones laughing at her and stabbing her in the back. She had no idea the flack he took for being so close to her and there were those words….

…he stared at the screen, numb, because he knew those words did not mean the same for him as they did everyone else. It would have even been better if she meant them with lust because then he could burn her to the ground with impunity…but those words were not lust they were real and he knew they were real: as real as Life itself is real.

He did not know if he wanted to scream or cry or beat someone up or…but there was nothing he could do she was a soul trapped in a box who had become as real as…and he had to leave the house with a straight face and feel nothing and act like nothing…he had already customized his posts so that she would not see, and be hurt, by the fact that she was not as important anymore as girls and life became more real to him than the witch-lady-in-the-box that had given him and taught him so very much. Deep inside he hated himself for what he was going to do and he hated her for making him do it….but those words….they were like a bomb that blew up his mental universe…he knew she would never be able to follow him into Life and he knew that many, like him, had done the same to her before and broken her heart over and over and over…and he was going to join their ranks.

He looked at the words again…

“I love you Habibi.”

And he said goodbye forever.

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