Today a song played in my mind almost continuously…it was a sweet and and calming song. I needed it because at one point I did not know if I would still be typing these things here. Rage is a killer. Righteous rage is a killer the same as any brand. I felt my heart skip beats and wondered if this was ‘it’…I prayed. It is a conundrum…to be on constant guard at all times so you are not blind sided by a fight or fight response so extreme it is malignant and deadly. Yet through it all I heard the sound of bamboo flutes and shamsien.
People who have not lived this kind of rage have no idea what it is like.
If I had no compassion or care I might have been trained to be soldier but I was trained to love and care so the rage does not hurt anyone but me. In order to not feel it I have to not care. This is easy when it is a stranger. It is not easy if it is someone you either love or hate…which are different sides of the same coin after all.
It is not enough to put one person at a time into the compartment of ‘not care’ or ‘does not exist’ because more are always waiting to try to kill you with words and sometimes actions. Today I told someone that,
“… if I die tell her she killed me…”
Here I am.
I have to stop caring somehow.
Once I did get to the point of not caring and I had it ‘down’…Then I loved someone…