The Fat Gimp and the Deuterostome


Ka Mosh

The other day a man made a comment about my, and other women’s, swimming suits as being ‘clothes’ and one was not supposed to wear ‘clothes’ to the pool. He had brought his wife and his tween daughter, both wearing ‘almost thong’ bikini’s. No one noticed him or cared until he got a ‘tude with the lifeguard.
The whole family had a snotty ‘tude. Now here I am going to say they were lily white only I look whiter than their whole family and I am not lily white, and about 200 years ago it would not have mattered if I was as white as a fishes belly if ANYONE knew I had a drop of NDN, a drop of Jewish and, of course, those Scotch-Irish and French dogs from ‘loozy’ana’ territory that would (GASP HORROR OF HORRORS!) Marry non-white folk! I am pretty sure they were not any whiter than me or most people are anymore but GAWD they strutted that ‘tude!
Thank God my mother never let me know there was a ‘tude’ I could have for being a blondinka!
All of us ‘crips and gimps’ were in the ‘slow’ lane and the ‘fast lanes’ were full of lap swimmers. Two white guys one brown guy and one black guy. The two white guys were, uhm, specially paired you might say and they come at the same time every day and share a lane and they get there early so they can get a lane together.
The man walked up to the lifeguard, (she is a wild old lady who had a better body than the man’s preening-skinny-fake-boobs-wife but was wearing a little more bathing suit) and he started in on her why were the lap swimmers there and smiling a mean little smile while the words of complaint flew from his mouth and his wife looked at all of us crip-gimp women in the pool with our long shorts and T-shirts like she was the Queen of Sheba or something. I mean seriously we should ENJOY you show off crooked legs or missing arms or crooked backs? We are not there to show off we are there to SWIM!
Then the man said something about allowing people to wear street clothes in the water!
Oh I wanted to go off on him SO BAD.
Anyway me and the rest of the gimps offered to go share the lanes with the brown guy and the black guy who were more than happy to allow us to impede their speed, being aware of what was occurring at some level and the life guard, like a holy-angel-pool-guardian, pointed at the empty lane and said,
“THERE SIR! YOU AND YOUR FAMILY CAN HAVE THAT LANE ALL TO YOURSELVES! NO ONE WANTS TO SWIM WITH YOU!”
The man said, “No thanks we are leaving this place it is NOT FRIENDLY!”
Everyone was SO GLAD he left.
But I wanted to rip him a new one SO BAD!
Today I thought about what I wanted to tell him:
Sir!
YES YOU SIR!
Look at me! I am whiter than your wife! You are too good to share lanes with my FELLOW SWIMMERS but if everyone looked like me it wouldn’t bother you except we are wearing MODEST suits and don’t look like we are ADVERTISING for sexual favours! That BOTHERS you? You think I am white? Yeah I am white and I was raised white but lemme tell you something: I got a drop of Jewish and a drop of NDN and a drop of CREOLE and I am an AMERICAN MUTT and proud of it so if you swim in the SAME pool I swim in you share the same pee that leaks outta everyone here when they flip for the next lap! You think for one minute you are pure anything? Go get a gene test and shock the hell outta yourself! But you know what? I am democratic and I am even going to give you the right to be an asshole! Yeah that’s right you heard me! You can think we are fat and dowdy and racially impure and refuse to share lanes with people who would have let you because they are not you and the women here don’t look like your wife and yeah we ARE all the things you think we are and we are HAPPY about that and we will GRANT you your right to be an asshole in peace so shut the hell up and take your free lane and SWIM. You can pee in the water too we know you will and none of us are scared your germs will make any of us into assholes. Have a good day SIR!
But you know…
I was having a damn good time swimming and I had no time to waste on an asshole!

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