Heading for a Broken Heart

She’s
Headed for a broken heart
She doesn’t know it yet
But I think she suspects

She
Recalls the guy she left
Cryin’ in the drive way
When she left him that day

She
Went to where love lives
She was sitting on a chair
Another girl was there

His
Mama and his Gramma
His whole family
Was there to have some tea

He
Leaned over the table
Whispered through his mama’s hair
“That’s your daughter over there!”

She
Looked to where he said
It was the new girl he had met
From his college days jet set

She
Was the girl no man could have
She just laughed and kicked the fools
She was well equip’t with tools

She
Looked at the girl in the chair
Looking at the man she wanted
With sad eyes oh so haunted

She
Looked at the newest girl
That girl looked back at her
Then looked at his mother

He
Was smiling happily
He had most everything
A young man like him could dream

He
Walked right out of her life
He left her standing in the drive way
The day he went away

She
Knew soon he would find out
The same thing that she learned
About how you get burned

Life
It always comes around
No one can stop the time that comes
When you get what you gave plus some

Then
You have to see the truth
Or be doomed to repeat
Failing to complete

I
Write this from where I stand
Knowing what I see
Once again will be

This time it won’t be me….

Papa Meet Me There

Meet me there
Out where wind sweeps the plains
Where the buffalo roam
Meet me in my only home
The world I know only from books
The words only from souls I meet
Along the highways I travel
Words are only human babble
Meet me there
Out where the hot springs bubble
Out where the caves fall in
Where tall grass lands begin
I spent a lifetime wishing
I lived somewhere else
Not seeing all around me
In it’s illimitable beauty
Meet me there
You will smile that big white grin
When we meet upon that ground
Walk side by side without a sound
Under oil country sun
When I held the universe
In one childish set of hands
The shiny beaded agate strands
Meet me there
Where sorrows fade into the skies
Fall with thunder from It’s eyes
Strike the ground with burning sound
Where voices carry on the air
Papa

Meet me there.

A New World

Journey light
Epic
Born of the Voice
Coming into Being
Waves of sound
Vibrations
Spirits chanting
Soaring vocatives
Human soul
Eyes
Mind
Skin
Senses recording
Acrobatic light
Transformed
Your beauty
Every angel’s face
Morphed
So pranic thunderous
Waves forever ripple
Spin dark wish
Above and below
Merged
Human axes
Magnetic bubbles
Bursting glorious waves
Living art on dark particles
Sprayed
On the walls of Eternity
Sending Love
Radio active records
Words of dead men
Trapped and released
Sub sonic
Felt in the bones
The brain rattles
Microwaved
You turned back
Whence did it come
The world ends
Recreational rise
Singing the light
Sing the light
Sing it into solid form
Melting lavender limned
Bijli blue
Disintegrated white
Stolen breaths from thousands
Dying
Magnificently
Winds rose into It
Peeling back the skies
Exposing angels faces
Whose hands
Covered those
Who lived to tell It
Re corded events chained
Upon unwilling feet
Dragging unseen weights
In helices
Generational
Carried by the sons
Carried by the daughters
Until light burns light burns light
Burns clearly
Warming
A new world

Why Do I Think Of You?

We never

Touched

No skin felt skin

Only mind

Swam

In another mind

Pure delight

We think

You should live

In my thoughts

Not in my arms

You

Should only mix

Dream with dream

I can

At least

Have a third

Of Life with you

When eyes close

Lips smile

Neurons at ready

Leaping

Into your eyes

Meet me there

Pure energy and fire

Alloy

Into epic sweetness

Carry me

Into your tomorrow

Tell them someday

About the strange woman

You never met

You knew so long

For so short a time

When you visit

This cup of bone

Filled with desire

To love you

Without touch

Every tear

Is joy

Torsion

Wear this!

Wretched cloak of flesh
Excoriated upon the leather

“Consequences!”

Hubris
Worn like light armour
Iris wide
Gleaning light from night
In glowing hues

Careless

Tossed the phrase almost forgotten
Haunting me with reality
Cruelty meted met and meshed
Created

Into this

To suffer for my sins on earth
Some say it’s Hell
Purgatorius perhaps
Better here than the hereafter?

After we are all here
What are we here after?

It is a Joke you know
This twist of fate and time
Unfolding joint by joint by joint
Into everywhere at once?
From torc to torque to torsion torture
To twist to turn and meet yourself

Coming and going
Unknowing

A Muse from Thomas Merton

It is very quiet here now.

A friend of thirty years, who decided he didn’t want to be a friend anymore, because of religion once quoted a Catholic Priest to me. The quote was a favourite of his, “No matter where you go there you are.”

This morning I did not want to wake up. Whatever I was dreaming was so awesome I wanted to stay there. I did wake up anyway.

Life is getting better. There are always things that are messed up and no doubt there will always be such things but over all life is getting better. I just need to remind myself sometimes when there is pain or exhaustion that is hard to explain.

I thought coming to this new place would change my life in a radical way and, while there is no question life has changed radical would not be the word I would use, I am still here. I am still me. I didn’t suddenly find a miracle doctor and I didn’t meet the (very LITERAL) man of my dreams either. I met lots of people and some of them are very nice it is just that everyone is concerned with their own lives, as I also am.

It made me think how rare and precious it is, indeed, to find anyone who will share your life, as a friend, who is also compatible with you. Sometimes the compatible ones are already booked and the available ones are second to what you and I have booked for ourselves. That doesn’t mean people don’t care they DO care but it does mean there are only 24 hours in a day.

You know why people cry at weddings sometimes? It isn’t always because it is beautiful. Sometimes people cry because a profound change is taking place. Parents cry because a child they love will no longer be living in their house. Best friends cry because they know all the years spent together are now over.

We lose people to life all the time. Sometimes we lose them to death too. The only certainty in life is change. Sometimes only certainty never changes, like, “No matter where you go there you are.”

July the Fourth

I can hear the fireworks going off down at the park. Tailgaters in the grocery parking lot and everyone has their wine or beer and someone to get laid with.
Pretty colours fill the sky, such a romantic night and me inside putting away my shopping all alone.

Doesn’t feel like my holiday…but for years now none of them do….no holidays that belong to me or you, indeed it has been so long since I went to one I have no idea how to act with that time spent or what to say…

…might even sit in a corner and fade away.

They’d find a wet spot on the wall
And wonder who peed there?

Dripping Green

To fight sleep or not?
Maybe I should give in…
Close these eyes for night…

…and dream the dreams.

Early in the morning,
Running in rain-forests,
Dew still kissing fog rising,
Green dripping water falls,
You smiled at me,
You grabbed my arm and leap’t,
Free fall into the deep green,
More than a mile in,
Breathing.

Fearing nothing,
Canopies of soft green,
Breaking,
Water falls,
Slowed by sweet green,

Almost we flew.

Jewish Mother

What other people wanted….

Funny how we let that effect us. What ‘family’ wants and needs is particularly strong in it’s effect on us. Sometimes we don’t even know it is happening until someone dies. Family dynamics change then and things that were once hidden become very clear.

Its weird to see yourself as you never did before: ‘The Convenient Excuse.’

Everyone is someones excuse…that is human nature. No matter who we are…no matter what we do and no matter how we view ourselves we all do it….

In families one person is usually singled out to be ‘The Convenient Excuse.’ If there are several people more than one may be ‘tagged’ for polar opposition in the ‘play’. The surprising thing is that the one who directs the orchestra is not always the one who is perceived to be a leader. Sometimes the real leader is a ‘martyr’ to ‘fate’ and, while acknowledging it was based from choice, still admits that the moment that could have ‘saved the world’ passed without a fight.

We all do this as well…in various forms and degrees but we all do it.

“If _______ was not ________ all the time I would have _________.”

By the time _________ is _________ it is too late to _________ and the dream becomes a regret.

A death in the family can uncover this in such a merciless way.

The ‘tyrant’ dies. The one nicknamed ‘The Taliban’ is no longer available to blame. He may have indeed been an asshole at times but he would defend that one he was an asshole TO and no one ever knew WHY he was such an asshole until he (The Convenient Excuse) was gone and the force of a previously unknown side of the still living one became very very clear: the epitome of the stereo-typical ‘Jewish Mother’.

In between The Taliban and The Jewish Mother came five subsets of the same…four were driven to success on the wings of a desperate need to escape the insanity that was ‘home’….

….and then there was the left-over one…the second ‘Convenient Excuse’.

“I was late because _______was needing me to _______ .”
“I am too tired and sick because I have been with ________ who could not live without me to _______.”

‘Convenient Excuses’ are a vital part of every family. Without them no one would have anyone to blame for everything that was wrong….but if one convenient excuse dies the other one gets to step up and try the role the dead one left…

I am just not that great at being ‘The Taliban’…

A Nod to ‘Amuse Ate’

Let it be what comes
We say ‘real’ or ‘un’
Sometimes the choice is gone,
We made it.
Let it be what comes,
Since it was written thus,
All anyone can do,
No ‘trade it’.

Just try and keep on trying,
No matter what the words,
At least you can say ‘tried’
Facing the ‘gates’.
We all fall and fail,
In ‘worldly sea’ submerge,
Might be all feet left fried,
A little by these fates.
“Aliens and Chirpers,
Sinners, Holy Pretenders,”
Those to try to ‘pole vault’ Life,
Beggars and dead-enders,

Let it be what comes,
No need to ‘snatch’ this veil
From the worlds’ face
For It is ‘fell’.
While the world’s ruins pool,
Into each place so condemned,
So many reasons why to question,
“What was it we defended?”

The last Ghazi’s
The last Khalki’s
The last of those who kept heart holy,
Will travel alone and be found

Among the lowly,

For the name you give a soul,
That managed ‘pure’ in the world,
Is rare indeed,
They are what they are

No matter how you call them…..

Those of us who walked the line,
Between the boats,
Of sanity and Insanity,
Into the sharks have fallen,

Floating,
Waiting because choice was pushed,
Aside for Love…(or ‘Love’)…
All the same really in the games we play,
We go estray,

As humans may.

(with a nod to Prita Dwi Kurniawati, Adnan Ullah Khan, Jasbir Singh, and Muhammad Ali Pasha)

The Definition

Sometimes I wonder why the things that are supposed to have a great result have a bad result and the regular things just have a neutral result but nothing seems to have a positive result. People have blamed me for that without being in my mind to realize that, when I embark on a new venture, I do it with my whole heart and enthusiasm and full belief, (even though I have been shown over and over again), that THIS new thing will work…

…only it doesn’t.

The reality for most is that is nothing can be done and things get worse whether or not we want them too. Someone special inspired me with a hadith about suffering and how there are rewards for that and something about those words was majickal…..

…hmmm…

Sometimes this is the place to divert yourself when the pain, silence and the aloneness all in and around would drive a lesser person insane…but then…maybe….?????

Hahahaha!

Belief helps achieve things there is no doubt that it does, BUT belief alone does not make things happen without action…and sometimes even belief with action changes nothing or even makes things worse when it was supposed to make them better.

Someone who once called me ‘negative’ told me this, “You know what happened in the old days to people who did not get the kind of things you need and that they are too scared to help you with right?” (That was really so POSITIVE but she is a true angel and means well.)

Yes.

I saw my fathers adoptive mother die like that with a morphine pump…that does not mean that will happen to me or not happen to me or that anything anyone says or dreams or does will or will not be.

DO DREAM! DO ACT! DO TRY! Just be cause it does not work does not mean you should lay down and give up…at the same time do not live the definition of insanity, “Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome…but more even than this never judge someone for the worst, based off of what you THINK they are given, the tiny bit of knowledge you might have about them from online…EVEN IN REAL LIFE you can hardly know your own parents and all that made them who they are or even begin to understand why one human being is one way and another human being is another way.

Walk your own path…
I am the only one who can walk mine…

Hold On!

Sometimes you find out sad stuff but you still have to keep going…

Sometimes It feels like every step forward you get knocked back three more…That all the things you are doing that you are supposed to do are like the definition of insanity…but you have to keep on try and going even though it feels like nothing is happening…it’s like a raffle ticket…You might not get the prize but if you don’t buy the ticket you FOR SURE won’t get the prize. Sometimes life is about keeping on KEEPING ON through the disappointments, the lack of results, and the only thing that keeps one foot in front of the other is the hope that MAYBE tomorrow that something you do will FINALLY work…I am not just talking about love…I am also talking about getting stronger, healthier, making the docs see me over and over until one of them says, “I can” instead of “High Risk”… It might mean going through a whole 24 hours and no one touches you…it might mean getting up and putting on street clothes and makeup that no one will see…and getting on that bike, writing that story, making that piece of art work ONE MORE TIME when you feel like there is “nothing in you except the will that says to you…’hold on!’…” (Rudyard Kipling)

Barf on My Wall

“Forgive, forget, and move on.”
“He who forgets the past is doomed to repeat it.”
“Forgive, forget, and move on.”
“He who forgets the past is doomed to repeated it.”
“The definition of insanity: ‘To do the same thing over and over again and expect a different result.”
“If at first you don’t succeed: ‘Try Try AGAIN!”
“There is no such thing as ‘lie’ and ‘truth’ it’s all relative to the situation!”
“You are my best friend you liar! Why didn’t you tell me you slept with my love!”
“Your ‘love’ did not ‘love’ you so it was not a lie!”
“Ok then give me back the 1000 bucks I loaned you yesterday!”
“You did not loan me ANY money yesterday!”
“Hey…YOU said there is no such thing as a lie and the truth and it’s all relative to the situation! From what I can gather you ‘did’ my love 10 times and that is a hundred a pop! So you owe me buddy!”
Et cetera ad naseum.
We usually say what suits us at the time and 6 months later when it doesn’t suit anymore we say the opposite forgetting what we said in the first place and repeating history…
I plan to barf all over my wall daily…

Time Pass

Sometimes I see the young people here
Posting those ‘dreams and desires’
What they will do what they will be I fear
Time makes most of us liars
We never intend to
Time swiftly to spend do
Most of us are so sincere
When we are young people here

I talk to a few age mates now and again
None of us are doing what we dreamed ‘back then’
No one is married to that old flame
Hell half of them can’t recall whose name….
Made ’em feel like dyin’
Made ’em give up and quit tryin’
Back when we thought real was the ‘game’
And here we are again

I try not to dream too much anymore
Focus in only on the things I can perform
For I learned now way too late that is the core
To get what you want you gotta get torn
Gotta suffer some loss
Gotta pay up some cost
Without becoming a ‘whore’
Trying to get where you’re aiming for

I know a few kids who know what if means to fight
They know what it means to sacrifice ‘party night.’
They know deeds mean more than words
They don’t talk much about what they’re ‘gonna be’
‘Cause their already going
On their way knowing
They are DOING all the things that other people SAY…
They’re on their way….
They’re on their way….
They’re on their way….

…………. Amuse Heaven (A short mini-fiction)

Once upon a time there was a girl who knew too much about guys. She thought it might be fun to find out things so she, and some of her friends, got together to make a test. They did this test many time in many forums over the years. One girl was the leader…I was one of the followers and the hypothesis of the experiment was that no men are faithful.

From Myspace to Tickle to Facebook the test stood through time.

It started as one girl who saw it as her mission to help other women by showing them what dogs their men were and then dumping the dogs. She was fascinating to watch in action! She would say,

“Get ready to see some pretty colours!”

I was always watching.

She had a real talent for breaking even the most holy of boofs (and some of their goofs too!) She was like Jimi Hendrix’s song ‘Bold As Love’…..(just ask the ‘Axis!’)

Now of course alot of people do naughty talk in private (until now when General Snowden told America “all their base belong to us”). But most of that naughty stuff stays private OR the people involved don’t CARE if they are private or not (but that is another subject) but this girl could make a priest talk nasty! Then she would email it to the bishop AND the archdiocese!

Talk about amazing!

I saw guys fall like ducks from the sky in season! Emails went out like mad to all boofs and goofs and soon EVERYONE in that circle was aware:

Even the most holy guys cheat….

(Since then I have found one or two exceptions but even the exceptions like non touchable naughty stuff)

Over time it became profiles that were ‘man traps’ and were sometimes turned on and off for effect as women who were curious about their husbands, (and/or boofs), went into profiles to check people up to see if they would be naughty with a ‘haughty hottie’…

Most all of them fell for the haughty hottie like mighty oaks…

This had the cumulative effect of making the women and girls behave like the men…and the men behave like the women…

…and that is how ‘metro-sexuals’ happened