Heading for a Broken Heart

She’s
Headed for a broken heart
She doesn’t know it yet
But I think she suspects

She
Recalls the guy she left
Cryin’ in the drive way
When she left him that day

She
Went to where love lives
She was sitting on a chair
Another girl was there

His
Mama and his Gramma
His whole family
Was there to have some tea

He
Leaned over the table
Whispered through his mama’s hair
“That’s your daughter over there!”

She
Looked to where he said
It was the new girl he had met
From his college days jet set

She
Was the girl no man could have
She just laughed and kicked the fools
She was well equip’t with tools

She
Looked at the girl in the chair
Looking at the man she wanted
With sad eyes oh so haunted

She
Looked at the newest girl
That girl looked back at her
Then looked at his mother

He
Was smiling happily
He had most everything
A young man like him could dream

He
Walked right out of her life
He left her standing in the drive way
The day he went away

She
Knew soon he would find out
The same thing that she learned
About how you get burned

Life
It always comes around
No one can stop the time that comes
When you get what you gave plus some

Then
You have to see the truth
Or be doomed to repeat
Failing to complete

I
Write this from where I stand
Knowing what I see
Once again will be

This time it won’t be me….

Become the Cookie!

2008-10-10 15.57.32

It isn’t ‘either/or’ it is ‘and/and’.

That is something people sometimes don’t understand about me. Most do but most are not trying to marry me. The very few who want me all to themselves, for some reason, miss the point that there are people in the world I love and the choice is not ‘me or everyone else’, the choice is ‘me AND everyone else.’

I have been in long term marriages and relationships with people who defined the meaning of ‘relationship’ as ‘either/or’. I was that was once myself and imposed a vast loneliness upon myself thinking that was the right thing to do.

It isn’t.

What happens when it is either/or is the eventual growth of dependency, martyrdom and, in the end, actual dislike. People in healthy relationships have ‘others friends’ and having those friends does not mean they are cheating and much of the time those friends are the same gender and they are not gay OR lesbian.

Human beings need approbation from each other. We need good times and a circle of love to live in. We need more than one friend and even, sometimes, if we are very lucky, more than one ‘bestie.’

I am not gonna lie and say I am perfect. I play here every once in a while and those people have respect and they KNOW that the ‘love’ that we have is based on a solid understanding of reality. I don’t stalk their pages to see what girls they like and, actually, I don’t chat that much with them either and they know I don’t cam and they respect the kind of person I am and I try to give that back and if I KNOW someone is married I step back.

But the last couple of years I hardly do that anymore either. Only once in several months. I am getting older and less interested in that stuff as anything more than ‘word games for the brain.’ A friend from a long time ago taught me this term, ‘mental masturbation.’ I didn’t do it with you either kid because I just couldn’t. I ‘lost it’ and did that with someone a little more mature. Someone who understands he and I are never going to be together and has no expectations of me and treats me like a good friend still.

It’s weird because being online is kind like interactive TV. You might really have a crush on someone and, in the old days, you got to stare at a movie or a poster and the only interaction was the one you had with yourself. Now you can go online and find ‘hotties’ with cams set up that do nothing all day but ‘interact’ and the chances of the one who is in love with that girl (and guys too these days!) will get that one for a life partner are about as probable as getting to marry Leonardo DiCaprio or Angelina Jolie.

It gets a little bit ridiculous but we can’t help ourselves even if we have self control. The world might see someone who never does anything wrong and that one might be carrying around ‘Justine’ in their head and you would never know it. That brings us back to what I started. It can never be, in the real world of real people, ‘either/or’. No matter HOW MUCH you want that big cookie all to yourself SOMEONE is gonna bite it while you aren’t looking. That is life.

That big cookie is love and everyone loves that big cookie and if you are gonna love people you are gonna be sharing that big cookie with the whole world and that big cookie might have sex in it but it really has nothing at all to do with sex and everything to do with basic human needs. The thing that makes people the most loved and envied is not how much of that cookie they can eat but whether or not they have the ability to ‘become the cookie.’

One Pair Of Shoes

We will go
One day

Where green hills
Roll up
Fling green capes
Over raw rocks
Icy cold
Clean streaming Life
Swimming in smiles
Away from judgement
Competition
Only to enjoy
Music sung by crickets
Birds and rain
Air bubbles trapped
On wet pebbles
Racing over star sparkles

Far away
You and I

Little one
Freckled gamin-faced
Sad and merry eyes
Unable to believe
Unable to give up
Hope amidst chaos

A place
Where no one is ugly
No one compares
How lovely is a colour
Or a shape or face
No one is alone
I will take you
Where Love lives

Reach up
Take my hand
Remember
All the days

We

Always

Are

Together even when
Each believing
We walked
In only one pair
Of shoes
With only one pair
Of feet

Our house
Will not last forever

We

Will

Take my hand
One foot
Next step
One foot
Next step

One our steps
Will rise up
Out of road dust
Into deep skies
Past space debris
Past Time

Almighty One
Always we were
Always are

Your song
Your words
Your creation

Home

After the juice of life is gone
Some stain of it
Will colour the glass you drink from
That once held my spirit
Full of you
Like distant storms
Towering and cloaked in majesty
Wearing every word I wrote
Transformed into gems
Sewn into air
Falling like rain stutters on cement
Or slaps upon the sand
I will cup both hands
Until they fill with you
Sparkling dazzles into what I was
You will become real
Time will cease it’s rot
We will see the majesty
Braiding our being into epic love
Handfuls of your hair
Knotted at your neck
I will decorate you with all of me
Behind two closed eyes
This old tale told anew
The velvet and the bite
Lucent sweetness electric
Floods of thought angelic horns
Sonorous sound sliding
Over staccato rills melting
Into rain ice recedes
We heal one another trading
Love for pain that lesson you
Taught me in a dream
Becoming one together swaying
You became me
And I decided to live the time left
If you would hold me near you
Even while separated by dimensions
I feel your hands move through me
As if I were smoke healing
With such reverence
No never
Was I so precious to anyone
As I was to you
Who tried to appear
In a form like mine
Your love
That will wait softly
These human moments
Until I come
Home

Ragged Holes

Tonight I dance alone again
Fantasies I create
Illusions so perfect
Like a ballerina spinning
On a music box
The metal prongs
Twinkling out the tune
Plucked from ragged holes
Stabbed into a circle
I call my soul
You will be here with me
Although I am alone
There is no sorrow now
You are as free
As every note played
From every flute
On every lonely hill-side
Those holes sing
Every time the cold winds
Blow through
Your life breath playing
Music for me to dance to

Alone

My Prayer Is Love

I call out ‘Beauty!’

It Falls into my open hands
Sweet and bright

My love is fierce

Kept forever
Even broken
Until the Beginning

We will ride into the wind
High on the plains

The heavens
Will come to our rescue

At the last moment
One ray of light
Your face appears
My soul

Shines

Fearlessly
Galloping into the sunset
Backs arched into speed

Urgency
In the niaat
To send you Grace
Over generations
Snapping banners
Lead the charge

Your lovely face

My body
May be trapped
My mind flies
Backwards moving
Over Time Itself
Desires to give
Destination
Love

Wild slung rage
I will meet you
Burning tears
All I have to give

Words

Next to you
While you sleep

Singing
Whispered songs
Your great exploits

So I hold
You in my mind
My Dream Quest
I will meet you

Holy

I will dance with Joy

Forever fades
An idea
Running back
Into the Circle
Reborn into Love
I will meet you
Creation will sing
You

Again

I throw the bottle
Into the Ocean
Washed away
The skies will sing
You

Again

Wash up at my feet
Beating drums
Bone horns blow
Skipping stone heart

Forces

Rooted deep
Words spill tidal waves
Sound cracks air
Remade the Dream
When armies march
I will meet you

All I want
Is to see your eyes
Golden suns
Rising
Renounced the tears
On the horizon
Of my soul

Let me love you
All by myself
I can love you
You never
Need to return one niaat
Mine is enough
Replayed the game
For hundreds of you
For thousands of years

I will meet you

Webbed at each node
Left at our backs
Retraced the song
Chills up your spine
You will feel me

From far away
Blowing past
Riding the Jet Stream
I will meet you

You
Will be my relief
After the storms
Of Forever pass

25 Days Before He Died

All around
There are the faces of strangers
Familiar somehow
I should know who they are
They are strangers
I look in the mirror and see nothing
Like Udasi’s photograph
One day
Taken with the camera aimed well
Only ‘I’ was not there
Just the empty background
I could hang lonliness like some diamond
Grief’s chain
No longer caring
You say, ‘be this be that’
You have no idea…
“Cry it will make you feel better
Do not cry be strong
Never lie about who you are
I can’t accept who you are
It must be a lie you tell me,”

I stand here with open hands
Blank eyes
Old broken kilawna
Painted smile
Pose me
If you do not want my real

Make Them Strangers

Today a song played in my mind almost continuously…it was a sweet and and calming song. I needed it because at one point I did not know if I would still be typing these things here. Rage is a killer. Righteous rage is a killer the same as any brand. I felt my heart skip beats and wondered if this was ‘it’…I prayed. It is a conundrum…to be on constant guard at all times so you are not blind sided by a fight or fight response so extreme it is malignant and deadly. Yet through it all I heard the sound of bamboo flutes and shamsien.

People who have not lived this kind of rage have no idea what it is like.

If I had no compassion or care I might have been trained to be soldier but I was trained to love and care so the rage does not hurt anyone but me. In order to not feel it I have to not care. This is easy when it is a stranger. It is not easy if it is someone you either love or hate…which are different sides of the same coin after all.

It is not enough to put one person at a time into the compartment of ‘not care’ or ‘does not exist’ because more are always waiting to try to kill you with words and sometimes actions. Today I told someone that,

“… if I die tell her she killed me…”

Here I am.

I have to stop caring somehow.

Once I did get to the point of not caring and I had it ‘down’…Then I loved someone…

…And Then Go Shopping

The unwashed folds of human flesh that stink in the sun like rotten cheese and the toothless mouths of living cadavers all the homeless ride on Friday free fare day as the City gives, unknowing, zakat to the poor and the aimless smell of swisher blunts wafts on the breeze the homeless escape the heat to the free fare A/C’s and all brings you to your knees in prayer that you are blessed with all you share. The driver bounces on a spring; women wear feaux diamonds ring and smooth black faces smile bright Ebonic flows chatter rapping mama knows the routes bus hopping never stopping except now for prayer alone in the changing stall at the local Y so now I shall in Duhr. On the outbound in a woman makes me think of what my mother might be without love and so I hold her hand while she cries and ask God to bless her and does she need fare for tomorrow. At the sound of the word ‘God’ she snatches back her hand and devils smile at me with her mouth and I start to pray, “Fa Akeem…” Her blue eyes gleam and her hands shake and the driver has to fast brake and her purse flies into the isle and I grab it and hand it back and return stare for stare she looks away as if I am not there and they try me but I have the Mercy. 

The Djinn’s Daughter

When it was written before you were born
When from the womb ripped out squeezed and torn
A vision was that such a peaceful light
Would fall upon a changeling child of night
One human never knowing half was part elf
Otherworldly apart from self
Made from fire wrapped in white cloak
The Angels almost laughed upon the joke
But stopped realizing what was allowed
Would have one of themselves wrapped in shroud
To taste what only mortals have to fear
The laughter died as one by one shed tear
A surety that God could end them all
One girl half human wrapped within a pall
So they made a council and decided
That in the human world never plighted
Never trothed never mother never woman
Though allotted that being born ‘human’
For those who would truly her want to wed
She would be made only for them to bed
And any she would marry would be cursed
Until they set her free or her soul burst
And while the heavens fought over her fate
The subject of the machinations state
That those who cared so much made one life hell
Or heaven too as much as she could tell
So it was finally agreed so to be fair
That when time came she’d marry fire there
The world never knew what to make of her
All she really could be for one was ‘lover’
Or more than one or maybe even many
And sometimes for a decade no not any
For from this hybrid woman most men ran
Very few could see her as an equal man
Or know what category she would fit
That was the long and tall and short of it

Allah is Allah…

…people are people.

When I am left alone with myself, because everyone is scared everyone else has beg bugs and no-one knows who is infected, it makes blessings happen anyway.

Someone told someone else I had bedbugs and now alot of people believe it but the blessing in that is that people will stay away and isolation, once more, keeps me clean from everything and everyone but myself. It was funny to watch a man grab his girl-friend, who is deaf, away from me and have someone stand as far away as they could on the elevator. Funny to watch them wait for me to get my mail from a few feet away and try to act nonchalant.

This has been the story of my life over and over and it is an old old story and no longer bothers me. It is like the wind. Whatever happens does happen and the rest doesn’t matter. I hope they don’t get bed bugs. I hope I don’t. The fear of them in this building is rampant. Friend making has to wait.

I already met the resident asshole. He looks like a tall version of ‘Elmer Fudd.’ He tried to make me mad but, blessedly, I cannot hear him say anything but mumbles. It drives him crazy to no end, me being deaf on one side. I just make sure the ear that hears nothing is always pointed in his direction and I grin at him and say,

“Huh what? Sorry bub I didn’t get you.”

One good thing about being old. The bullies can’t hurt you anymore. They are just as messed up as you and everyone else is.

One of the staff made fun of my voice until I told him about how the parathyroid surgery permanently screwed my vocal chords and now he does it and I laugh at him and he laughs back and it is a nice joke. No hard feelings.

People LOOK at me and the things they don’t see lead them to think one thing when another thing is true. There are so many ways to judge a book by it’s cover. The latest thing is, “Oh they are letting kids in here now!,” as if the neighbourhood is going to hell. You have to be at least 50 to get in here. No one believes I am. Under the guise of sweetness they try to poke me as if I am a liar. I am thinking of getting a birth certificate and pinning to my clothes every time I leave the room. *grins*

People on the fifth floor say all the bed bugs are on the third floor and the third floor says they are all on the fifth floor and now a new case was found one the first floor. The administrator gave away the reason in a quick lunch meeting. She said that people who are close friends should stop sharing things they have too much of…like food and clothes and such.

I don’t have any close friends yet. I came here when everyone was already scared.

There are three identifiable groups and I like the one at the front tables at lunch. They were cool too until one lady, who shares a name with me, found out her boof and I ate one lunch together and talked. Now he ignores me and she eats downstairs every day. I am thinking that I will stop going downstairs. Only 30 of 80 plus people do anyway. I just went to meet people and there almost is no point with everyone scared of bugs.

I don’t want a boof…not even in real life.

I am the only Muslim here too. I am hoping my bus pass work comes soon so I can mail it in and go tour the city. The residents here are pretty ferociously Christian in a nice way and I am always being hit up to go to Bible study and I might go but I am concerned that they might push me harder if they knew I was Muslim and then I would have to lock myself in my room. *grins* For the umpteenth time in my life someone told everyone I am a witch without my permission! (Why do they always pin that on me?) For now I won’t fight about it they sort of back off from the black hoodie thing. *grins again*

The world is trying it’s best to take me down and out but I am not going to give in. I am a survivour. I am amazing. Ignore me. I don’t give a damn. It almost feels like the world is in a conspiracy to make me blame Allah for the action or inaction of other people.

Allah is Allah.

People are people.

Two different things….end of story.

The End Of Main Street

“Come…sit next to me.” I patted the cement curb next to me on the last mile out of town. The freeway went on past what seemed like forever on the vast old prairie. He sat down. No one seemed to notice us in the cold sunset. Cars bulleted past until the stars began to open their eyes. Then the world became quiet. He was like unplayed music. I followed his dark eyes as they looked over the long road outlined in ghostly white. We sat there on the end of Main Street where the town ended saying nothing. There was something comfortable about the silence. It was as if we knew each others thoughts without trying.

I had never really met him before…or maybe I had met him many times in many places and just never remembered. Either way the space of time was fine with me. A few minutes in eternal present was enough. He looked at me and smiled without reservation.

The joy was enough for a lifetime.

He got up and started to walk away towards his destiny. I wanted to follow but his destiny was not mine. I watched him disappear into the night.

Somewhere in the distance a flute played…or perhaps it was a lark? I, too, got up off the curb and picked up a stick that had fallen from a tree by the high way. I used it to twist the ‘bob wires’ on the fence, that ran the length the eye could see along the road, and then I bent my body, carefully, and slid between the wires and started off across the farm fields. I, too, disappeared into the night.

I Am About To…

…fall asleep face first in the keyboard again but there it is: The beautiful souls that know how to live outside the shell…or want to know. There are those very few who have this remarkable ability to make you feel like you are swimming in pure love.

I want to fall asleep with that.

When I fall asleep with that mind set astonishing things occur. I go hiking all over the world. I hug people on mountain tops. I lay in the sand of a shallow surf and hold hands with a dear one.

To those who know how to project that kind of love…How blessed you are. I want to return it to you 1000’s of times and if I knew how I would do that and I try to do that.

I know this one thing: I am the luckiest person on earth to have such people in my life. People of my heart, People of my soul, and People of my humanity. Good night. I plan to dream of such lovely things, people and places…and beautiful faces.

Beloved Rose

Shhhhhh….
Don’t speak
You have stopped now anyway
Leave me here to write of you
Leave me to distant reveries
Let me kneel before your alter
Let me write you poetry
My inspiration
My beloved rose
You are music
You are moonlight
You are the bright star
In a lonely night
You are every sweet thing
Let me drown you in words
Let me sing of your perfection
How lovely your eyes
How graceful your hands
How joyful your smile
How amazing your mind
Shhhhhh…
Don’t speak