Every Life is Epic

Life is a choice.

We don’t have to choose to stay but we do stay. We stay to honour what God made even if no one else honours us. We sing our own songs by ourselves if we must. We wake up every day and keep going even when there does not seem to be a reason to live one more minute. We do this because of Love. In spite of all the things people have said against us we keep on. No matter how alone things are…no matter how many words are written for no reason…nothing matters except the will that says, “Carry on.”

Then, from the floor of the abyss of Hell you look up and see the angels singing, you see the stars shining, and you know you are not alone! There may be no people near but there are spirits everywhere offering you their love and help. It no longer matters what the world will do. Life and death become immaterial. You get up off the floor and stand.

Suddenly God is everywhere! Suddenly the entire universe praises in chorus! All of the petty intrigues and directed wars on this earth are shown in their true light: A play. A play directed by puppets who think they have control of something and have control of nothing. A play written by those who think they know the ‘secret’ and they know so little they would seem like infants who split one atom before the God who made every atom and allowed them to split one.

All we are given to be did not come from our own creation. We were given these things to be, even the things we would call a mistake, we are both the good and the evil. We are the light and the dark, and though we choose we are still destined to live the words written on the fabric of the universe.

Live them then! Whatever they are you have been given to be. Be that!

Never think you know what it is someone else’s job to be. You can only live one destiny here and now. Walk forwards into the strongest winds. If you cannot walk then crawl. If you cannot crawl then roll but do not stop until your heart contracts one last time and that electric force in you is freed to soar into realities we cannot possibly comprehend, within ourselves, as we are here.

When I am so full of love there is no one to give it to I send it out into the nothingness of everything on the wings of song while I think of the beautiful faces and amazing minds that are linked to mine and I know I am never alone no matter how alone I am. Prayers and intent are sent, with every direction of every cell, to pour wealth, success and happiness, even on those I cannot stand because I know very well there are those who cannot stand me.

If it is the eve of the ‘end’ or the dawn of the beginning makes no difference to the circle we stand in.

I love you God. I love you with every tear and every laugh and every sin and every good deed and everything you made me to be. I love you God like I never loved any human being on this earth because when I am alone here and there is NOTHING but me and silence YOU are here!

My reason to be.
My greatest love.

(With a nod to Martin Luther King for an idea)

The Coming

He only sleeps
Face shadowed in clouds
Hands poised to awaken
Angels sing over him
The Universe bows
The moment of glory
All creation loves him
Even Time lies in his command

Then he awakens
Children cry of hunger
Oceans stink of rot
Giants shake the lands
Mad men rule
Insanity marks every brow
Erasing good wherever found
He calls the Universe

Witness this
Hold it back with thoughts alone
Still it mocks from teasing veils
The fallen and the fell
Crawling into the slime
Powers of destruction quenched
The fist opened
Into supplication

The dove
The Olive Branch
Flying to the fires of Hell
Until even demons sing hymns
To Almighty God
Green Peace will rule
All will smile
For centuries.

All

All of it

It is worth

The river of tears

Worth the years alone

Worth the falls

Turned into flights

Worth the place

I find myself

Before a solitary keyboard

To have you

Even once

In my life

If you could see

The way I am smiling now

If you could feel

Those rivers of love

Never dammed nor damned

That will flow to you

In my forever

I will touch you

Without touching

Love you

Without owning

Give you away with joy

Leave

Many times

Many lives

I will always know you

Always love you

Always give you

What I can’t even give myself

All of it

All

All my Life Allah
I searched for a sign
Walking through this world like one blind
Talking to you many lonely years
In the darkness of forgiving night
Looking at the stars

At first so young
If I stared long enough would You
Move a rainbow for me?
I talked to air alone
If anyone was there
Surely they would have taken me
To the house of crazy people

Allah all my life
I wanted a proof
I am the faithless mind
I cannot see beyond these tears
Only I can believe what I can know

With senseless senses blind
So I must be insane to still believe
In You

I am the worst of worst
Throat tight head too light
Numb and buzzing from too many tears
Cried for too many years
Why do I believe?
Why do I believe?
All my life Allah?

Allah is Allah…

…people are people.

When I am left alone with myself, because everyone is scared everyone else has beg bugs and no-one knows who is infected, it makes blessings happen anyway.

Someone told someone else I had bedbugs and now alot of people believe it but the blessing in that is that people will stay away and isolation, once more, keeps me clean from everything and everyone but myself. It was funny to watch a man grab his girl-friend, who is deaf, away from me and have someone stand as far away as they could on the elevator. Funny to watch them wait for me to get my mail from a few feet away and try to act nonchalant.

This has been the story of my life over and over and it is an old old story and no longer bothers me. It is like the wind. Whatever happens does happen and the rest doesn’t matter. I hope they don’t get bed bugs. I hope I don’t. The fear of them in this building is rampant. Friend making has to wait.

I already met the resident asshole. He looks like a tall version of ‘Elmer Fudd.’ He tried to make me mad but, blessedly, I cannot hear him say anything but mumbles. It drives him crazy to no end, me being deaf on one side. I just make sure the ear that hears nothing is always pointed in his direction and I grin at him and say,

“Huh what? Sorry bub I didn’t get you.”

One good thing about being old. The bullies can’t hurt you anymore. They are just as messed up as you and everyone else is.

One of the staff made fun of my voice until I told him about how the parathyroid surgery permanently screwed my vocal chords and now he does it and I laugh at him and he laughs back and it is a nice joke. No hard feelings.

People LOOK at me and the things they don’t see lead them to think one thing when another thing is true. There are so many ways to judge a book by it’s cover. The latest thing is, “Oh they are letting kids in here now!,” as if the neighbourhood is going to hell. You have to be at least 50 to get in here. No one believes I am. Under the guise of sweetness they try to poke me as if I am a liar. I am thinking of getting a birth certificate and pinning to my clothes every time I leave the room. *grins*

People on the fifth floor say all the bed bugs are on the third floor and the third floor says they are all on the fifth floor and now a new case was found one the first floor. The administrator gave away the reason in a quick lunch meeting. She said that people who are close friends should stop sharing things they have too much of…like food and clothes and such.

I don’t have any close friends yet. I came here when everyone was already scared.

There are three identifiable groups and I like the one at the front tables at lunch. They were cool too until one lady, who shares a name with me, found out her boof and I ate one lunch together and talked. Now he ignores me and she eats downstairs every day. I am thinking that I will stop going downstairs. Only 30 of 80 plus people do anyway. I just went to meet people and there almost is no point with everyone scared of bugs.

I don’t want a boof…not even in real life.

I am the only Muslim here too. I am hoping my bus pass work comes soon so I can mail it in and go tour the city. The residents here are pretty ferociously Christian in a nice way and I am always being hit up to go to Bible study and I might go but I am concerned that they might push me harder if they knew I was Muslim and then I would have to lock myself in my room. *grins* For the umpteenth time in my life someone told everyone I am a witch without my permission! (Why do they always pin that on me?) For now I won’t fight about it they sort of back off from the black hoodie thing. *grins again*

The world is trying it’s best to take me down and out but I am not going to give in. I am a survivour. I am amazing. Ignore me. I don’t give a damn. It almost feels like the world is in a conspiracy to make me blame Allah for the action or inaction of other people.

Allah is Allah.

People are people.

Two different things….end of story.