Become the Cookie!

2008-10-10 15.57.32

It isn’t ‘either/or’ it is ‘and/and’.

That is something people sometimes don’t understand about me. Most do but most are not trying to marry me. The very few who want me all to themselves, for some reason, miss the point that there are people in the world I love and the choice is not ‘me or everyone else’, the choice is ‘me AND everyone else.’

I have been in long term marriages and relationships with people who defined the meaning of ‘relationship’ as ‘either/or’. I was that was once myself and imposed a vast loneliness upon myself thinking that was the right thing to do.

It isn’t.

What happens when it is either/or is the eventual growth of dependency, martyrdom and, in the end, actual dislike. People in healthy relationships have ‘others friends’ and having those friends does not mean they are cheating and much of the time those friends are the same gender and they are not gay OR lesbian.

Human beings need approbation from each other. We need good times and a circle of love to live in. We need more than one friend and even, sometimes, if we are very lucky, more than one ‘bestie.’

I am not gonna lie and say I am perfect. I play here every once in a while and those people have respect and they KNOW that the ‘love’ that we have is based on a solid understanding of reality. I don’t stalk their pages to see what girls they like and, actually, I don’t chat that much with them either and they know I don’t cam and they respect the kind of person I am and I try to give that back and if I KNOW someone is married I step back.

But the last couple of years I hardly do that anymore either. Only once in several months. I am getting older and less interested in that stuff as anything more than ‘word games for the brain.’ A friend from a long time ago taught me this term, ‘mental masturbation.’ I didn’t do it with you either kid because I just couldn’t. I ‘lost it’ and did that with someone a little more mature. Someone who understands he and I are never going to be together and has no expectations of me and treats me like a good friend still.

It’s weird because being online is kind like interactive TV. You might really have a crush on someone and, in the old days, you got to stare at a movie or a poster and the only interaction was the one you had with yourself. Now you can go online and find ‘hotties’ with cams set up that do nothing all day but ‘interact’ and the chances of the one who is in love with that girl (and guys too these days!) will get that one for a life partner are about as probable as getting to marry Leonardo DiCaprio or Angelina Jolie.

It gets a little bit ridiculous but we can’t help ourselves even if we have self control. The world might see someone who never does anything wrong and that one might be carrying around ‘Justine’ in their head and you would never know it. That brings us back to what I started. It can never be, in the real world of real people, ‘either/or’. No matter HOW MUCH you want that big cookie all to yourself SOMEONE is gonna bite it while you aren’t looking. That is life.

That big cookie is love and everyone loves that big cookie and if you are gonna love people you are gonna be sharing that big cookie with the whole world and that big cookie might have sex in it but it really has nothing at all to do with sex and everything to do with basic human needs. The thing that makes people the most loved and envied is not how much of that cookie they can eat but whether or not they have the ability to ‘become the cookie.’

What Price?

What price is there
For living life the way you chose
How much did it cost
To get to the bench you sit on now
Watching flowers grow?

How many upside down
Glass cups of hash smoke
Broke how many cherries bled
In vans of orgies
We chose to attend
With peanut butter at the end?

How many plastic baggies fill
The land-fill
That were once filled
With Colombian Gold
Spanish missionaries never found
How much
Was every breath of nicotine
And every thing we dropped
In mystery
Not knowing what the end would be
Until it fooled us
We were free.

Yes we
Forgot who died
Who went into the wild
Sans the wisdom to know not
To eat the root
Yet wrote the book
After a life was gone
Here we are
We have to carry on
And on and on and on
Until we reach whatever we head to.

What is it that we seek
We never ask it
Until we’re weak and then it comes
In shocked surprise and dangles
Just before our eyes… yes:
A universal joke
That started with a daring toke
Ending when the hash-smoke broke
And left us standing here alone.

I would have married you the day
I ran my childish hands
Through still brown curls
But our world
Says that such a union is doomed for Hell
And so we knew it and we ever only blew it
In our minds because I’m certain
I was not the only one who felt that way
I did I knew too much
Though just a kid
I wished you would take me home with you
But you belonged to the world
For all you were a rebel man
And now the world passed us
In a thundering roar.
It’s too late to know the score and
There’s no chance for any more.

The short short days with halter tops
Were short short days until the youth stops
And the pride of place is lost
In the dub step shuffle of decades
While you hold the memories of years
Jewels falling out of trembling hands
Into the abyss of forever
All the places that you dreamed of are still
Nothing more than foreign lands
Full of the same war we fought
Over and over before just with different names
But it’s all the same King of the Games.

So here I am
Writing these words
While my old cat drools over birds
At his best place by the French doors
That maybe once let in oil-whores
That I ran with for long enough
To know what love is worth
For a night
After several drinks
When no one’s thinking
It will send and you won’t even know
The name of who it was thirty years later
You will only recall a ginger ass
Bouncing in the dark
While the starry skies flew over head
Wars came home
With coffins full of the dead
Blue skies fled across the hours and days and years….

…until it is that sunshine falls
Upon the public housing walls
And the wheeled walker
To the bus stop full of people
Your grandfather would cry to see you hug….

…or maybe smile…

…because we are only here such a very short while.

(photo by thecontrail.com )

thecontrail.com

The Girl In The Dark Grey Hijab

I was minding my own business in class. The instructor was droning on about the upcoming test and the rules for the start of class and SHE walked in.
My heart fell out of my chest, melted off the desk and pooled around my feet and I am fairly certain I stared at her like an idiot.
Before you, dear reader, have an idea about what this story will be I need to explain something: She was the only girl, in class, in ‘drab hijab’, and yet she stood out like a star shining over the rest. The best. How was it possible that someone who was doing so little to attract male attention suddenly had all of mine?
I was instantly in love.
At this point you could have paraded every Miss Universe, in the world, before my eyes, and they would have looked like peasants standing next to the girl in the dark grey hijab.
I did everything I could to get her to talk to me and she would not talk. I finally got her to talk to me…it wasn’t that simple. She was not the kind of girl you could offer a ride home from school on your motor bike. She was not the kind of girl who would chit chat for no reason. I had to think of something…ANYTHING…
…Allah…yes Allah.
Finally I messaged her at Facebook and she answered. If happiness had wings it would have been soaring over the Himalayas at that point. I learned her name. I learned she was like an aulemna about Islam. We had wonderful conversations about Islam.
Her name meant ‘honey bee’.
Something deep inside was saying, “No No please don’t do this.” But I had to do it. People think someone like me is religion only. They think of me as some Taliban guy who has no sense of humour and no heart. I am nothing like that. I love Allah. I laugh I cry I feel…
…more than anyone might imagine I feel. I had to talk to her. She was like a living hadith. When I talked to her, I felt as though I had found the missing half of my deen. I made a mistake then: I told a close friend.
He was so awesome! He treated me as an equal! That is not always easy to find among those of us who are true believers! Many men are just looking for a ‘holy cow’ to have babies and cook and when one admires me for my mind…
…it hurts to remember how awesome that feels.
I wish I never knew. He and I do not come from the same land or the same background. My parents would never agree even if his parents did agree. He does not understand. They have already chosen someone for me. All of the hours and days I have spent enjoying someone’s company so much and I can never be what he wishes: his wife.
A mutual friend told me how he feels and this destroys everything. Everything we talked about was not because of my mind but because of his love for me…
…a love he is not supposed to feel…a love I cannot ever reciprocate and now he has put me in a position I hate: I am going to have to hurt someone I have come to love for the sake of both of our deen.
There it is: the text from him on my phone. Ya Allah help me to be strong.
“I cannot talk to you anymore.”
“Why?”
“Because these talks have been haram.”
“Please don’t be angry with me!”
“Why did you do this to me? Why did you do this to us!”
“I love you and I want to…”
“NO! No you can’t even say it and I won’t listen!”
I have to be like stone even while tears are running down my cheeks! How could he do this to me? More than even this…
…how could I have let him. There is a proverb I told him before I decided to never speak to him again.
“Bolted windows with the door ajar…”
He was there. Hurt. I knew he was. Hurt and ashamed. If we had never spoken a word this would have never come to be and we should never have done this but we did and now I had to do this for both of our sakes. I had to spare him for the sake of love.
You see…
…true love is sometimes walking away forever. Sometimes true love does not stay to hurt another soul it can never be with for eternity. He did not know how much I cried the day I cut him off from my life. He believes I hate him.
It is better this way.
(image by anglerz.com)

I Stand Where You Are

I stand
Where You are

I stand
Where You are

I stand
Where You are

One step
Then another
To your side
Glides the silken sweep
On clean marble carved
With runes of Laughter
From the heavens arches
Echoing
Swirled
Around covered feet
I stand
Where You are

I stand
Where You are

I stand
Where You are

No Prison
No isolation
Near You
Around You
I stand
Where You are

Resting in this orbit
Reaching up
Dripping into my hands
Swaying
Fingers of giant trees
Combing tress’d wind
Beloved

I stand
Where You are

I stand
Where You are

I stand
Where You are

Like a child
I will just be
Bursting light
Turn
Into the axis
Connecting Heaven
Here

I stand
Where You are

I stand
Where You are

I stand
Where You are

My aim
My target
My goal
Always was
You

Love
I stand
Where You are

Spiral uncontrolled
Beloved
Until innocence reigns
Each moment
Reversing
Clouds
Flowing backwards
Filled with bright colours
Butterflies forgive
Sharing the dust
Of glowing flight
No more pinned
No more ether’d
No more tongue-less
No more silent flight

I stand
Where You are

I stand
Where You are

I stand
Where You are

Free to cry
Free to laugh
Free to dance
Free to live

Beloved
For You
All my being
Transformed from tears
Collected
Every memory

Turn
Love
I stand
Where You are

We called
This music
Experience
We never knew
We will a gentlness
Together
Keep turning
Skip the words
Only when this ends
Will LIFE begin
Leave this plane
Leave this place
Leave where you believe
Only when we leave
Will LIFE begin

I stand
Where You are

I stand
Where You are

I stand
Where You are

Lock’t around your axis
Up towards your smile
Sliding these hands
We will be one

I stand
Where You are

One Pair Of Shoes

We will go
One day

Where green hills
Roll up
Fling green capes
Over raw rocks
Icy cold
Clean streaming Life
Swimming in smiles
Away from judgement
Competition
Only to enjoy
Music sung by crickets
Birds and rain
Air bubbles trapped
On wet pebbles
Racing over star sparkles

Far away
You and I

Little one
Freckled gamin-faced
Sad and merry eyes
Unable to believe
Unable to give up
Hope amidst chaos

A place
Where no one is ugly
No one compares
How lovely is a colour
Or a shape or face
No one is alone
I will take you
Where Love lives

Reach up
Take my hand
Remember
All the days

We

Always

Are

Together even when
Each believing
We walked
In only one pair
Of shoes
With only one pair
Of feet

Our house
Will not last forever

We

Will

Take my hand
One foot
Next step
One foot
Next step

One our steps
Will rise up
Out of road dust
Into deep skies
Past space debris
Past Time

Almighty One
Always we were
Always are

Your song
Your words
Your creation

Words Words Words

No sleep no
Sleep no sleep
How can you love me

I understand me not
No no no no so it goes
On on on the hours pass by

Alone alone alone fall fall
Almost like we fight while smiling
Or maybe you are water

Moving easily around the obstacles I throw
These humpty dumpty beats of my heart
Looking for a certain grin

From far away and long ago
Was it sounding wobbled flautists
Curling notes back from core notes peeled

Like boiled eggs never hatched
Go go go swaying away
Like the old fashioned ladies stalking flower pots

Beats beats beats this fist of flesh with every
Word word word swaying today
Gone gone gone staccato stately slide

In a gliding road winding forwards always
Here here here is where is was all erased
Whisper softly those words

They terrify me more than death
Love means you suffer
Until the words

Words words words of this day eight years ago
Were finally fulfilled

Prayer

Let me write to you
The taut suspense time throws
Over the horizon
Before light raises a warm, bright hand
Covering a world that has forgotten angels.
Mercy.
Compassion.
Pray my Love pray!
Pray for limitless joy!

Pray for blind humanity
Clacking the words
Describing a world reft of touch and dreams
Left in the spark firing pistons of the human mind
Tickling dancing chemicals
Neuronal travellers astral
Leaving into dreams.

Hold me closely
In the moment of discovery
When souls magnetic mergers
Excite the unseen fields.

In The Dream,
Body to body twined
Blood to blood
As two become one
Rocketing like prayers of joy into Paradise.

Mercy.
Compassion.
Pray my Love pray!
Pray for limitless joy!

We need more
Than the food light grows in a surface of dust
Like a child’s face at play.
We are that nameless thing
Connecting to each other in wild desire.
We are the chill on scalp and neck,
Rolling down backs
Curved in intense prayer.
We are the mouths
Open in amazement as cities grow
Change and fall
Then rebuilt upon the fallen
Rocks that shook before

Mercy.
Compassion.
Pray my Love pray!
Pray for limitless joy!

We are forever.
We are the signature of God upon the earth.
We are trees of leafless heat
Cracking the dark stormy skies
The thunder of hooves on summer dry plains
Vast they are a sea of grass
Recalled
Only by the imprint of the memory
Of antecedents in spiraled words
Who wrote our being
With the quills of spirits flying before and behind
The point of time that is all things all at once.
Rip off the mask!
Show the universe your smile!
Creation sings for you.
The trees cry for you.
The oceans roar for you.
Rise!
Rise fearless into perfection!

Mercy.
Compassion.
Pray my Love pray!
Pray for limitless joy!

Authors of Catastrophe

 

Rise
Ride drafts
High pauses
Icy or savage
The heart pulses

Defined
Colourful
Onwards questing
Small motions

Angels float
Based
Together
Explode
Into flight

Men fall

I will hold you
Like a prayer
Inside my mouth
Words ready
To set in motion
Ideas man-made
Melt in hot sun
Wax dripping

Until
the last drums beat
The armies clash
Onto the bodies
Trying not to breathe
While devils cry
Unable to believe

On flaming candals
Below we run
Yet this flight from
Authors of catastrophe
It is without fear
It eats the darkness
Sound the chase
For Joy will flood
Everything broken
Will wash into beauty
It is victorious
Banking over storms
Shot through
Light meets light
Hunters horns will cease

 

Contrapostion

The chorus begins singing
So-la-ti-do pranic arias
Dancing over basic power
Giving
Shooting into dreams
Spinning into space

Holding contraposition oppositions

We are epic
We are light

To the heroes
Through you I met them all
You argued I could stay
Even in the face of sin
Sin brought me to this now
To know
Heroes are human

Genetic weaves
Clap the back beat hearts
Linked to hope
Move
Crying
Linked to love
Linked to happiness
Sway off into distances

Heroic lives
We are epic
We are light

Riding mountains
Leaping oceans
Sharing
Smiling into sunshine
Thought you were not with me
All those years
I was there with you every year

We never stopped dancing
We are epic
We are light

Deep quiet breaths
Sending love to you
Making love
Writing love on electric scrolls
I was there with you in Canada
I will love you

The drama is now
We are epic
We are light

Have loved you
Searching
From the day I knew speech
I was there with you in Rio
Laughing

We are forever apart
I smile anyway
Knowing you have found joy
No regrets
No more tears
For the path that led me
To you

Surprised your eyes
Were golden instead of purple
That you were real
Are real

We are forever at peace

I was there with you in Karachi
Not anime amour
Stride the rhythmic

We are

Falls the steps
Learning

We are

We walk out our lives

I was there with you in Makkah
Sometimes

Angels of Joy
That forever link
Dance

Within us
In the Cosmic Freeway
I would have been so poor
If there had never been a YOU

To lose
To find again

Every Life is Epic

Life is a choice.

We don’t have to choose to stay but we do stay. We stay to honour what God made even if no one else honours us. We sing our own songs by ourselves if we must. We wake up every day and keep going even when there does not seem to be a reason to live one more minute. We do this because of Love. In spite of all the things people have said against us we keep on. No matter how alone things are…no matter how many words are written for no reason…nothing matters except the will that says, “Carry on.”

Then, from the floor of the abyss of Hell you look up and see the angels singing, you see the stars shining, and you know you are not alone! There may be no people near but there are spirits everywhere offering you their love and help. It no longer matters what the world will do. Life and death become immaterial. You get up off the floor and stand.

Suddenly God is everywhere! Suddenly the entire universe praises in chorus! All of the petty intrigues and directed wars on this earth are shown in their true light: A play. A play directed by puppets who think they have control of something and have control of nothing. A play written by those who think they know the ‘secret’ and they know so little they would seem like infants who split one atom before the God who made every atom and allowed them to split one.

All we are given to be did not come from our own creation. We were given these things to be, even the things we would call a mistake, we are both the good and the evil. We are the light and the dark, and though we choose we are still destined to live the words written on the fabric of the universe.

Live them then! Whatever they are you have been given to be. Be that!

Never think you know what it is someone else’s job to be. You can only live one destiny here and now. Walk forwards into the strongest winds. If you cannot walk then crawl. If you cannot crawl then roll but do not stop until your heart contracts one last time and that electric force in you is freed to soar into realities we cannot possibly comprehend, within ourselves, as we are here.

When I am so full of love there is no one to give it to I send it out into the nothingness of everything on the wings of song while I think of the beautiful faces and amazing minds that are linked to mine and I know I am never alone no matter how alone I am. Prayers and intent are sent, with every direction of every cell, to pour wealth, success and happiness, even on those I cannot stand because I know very well there are those who cannot stand me.

If it is the eve of the ‘end’ or the dawn of the beginning makes no difference to the circle we stand in.

I love you God. I love you with every tear and every laugh and every sin and every good deed and everything you made me to be. I love you God like I never loved any human being on this earth because when I am alone here and there is NOTHING but me and silence YOU are here!

My reason to be.
My greatest love.

(With a nod to Martin Luther King for an idea)

A New World

Journey light
Epic
Born of the Voice
Coming into Being
Waves of sound
Vibrations
Spirits chanting
Soaring vocatives
Human soul
Eyes
Mind
Skin
Senses recording
Acrobatic light
Transformed
Your beauty
Every angel’s face
Morphed
So pranic thunderous
Waves forever ripple
Spin dark wish
Above and below
Merged
Human axes
Magnetic bubbles
Bursting glorious waves
Living art on dark particles
Sprayed
On the walls of Eternity
Sending Love
Radio active records
Words of dead men
Trapped and released
Sub sonic
Felt in the bones
The brain rattles
Microwaved
You turned back
Whence did it come
The world ends
Recreational rise
Singing the light
Sing the light
Sing it into solid form
Melting lavender limned
Bijli blue
Disintegrated white
Stolen breaths from thousands
Dying
Magnificently
Winds rose into It
Peeling back the skies
Exposing angels faces
Whose hands
Covered those
Who lived to tell It
Re corded events chained
Upon unwilling feet
Dragging unseen weights
In helices
Generational
Carried by the sons
Carried by the daughters
Until light burns light burns light
Burns clearly
Warming
A new world

You Will Witness

Things are epic
Time for the strong
Stand into coming storms
Fearless
Holding each other solid
Against weakness
Every tear
Turns to joy
Smoke caught
On trailing fingers
Writes words
Make those words
Generous
Free
Phoenix hearts rising
Leave ashes
Leave dust
Leave them all for the blue
Mists of colours
White roofs floating
Darwish axis
Spinning
Spinning webs spinning
Electrons spinning
Words spinning
I will meet you
We will merge
In the Coming
Spoken into being
A crack of sound
Struck nothing
Breaking it into universes
Spinning
Merging
Almost full now
Just a few more drops
You will witness Glory

Looking For God

I love you

You know this well
Bright light
In a dark world
A father’s voice
Sings a lullaby
To the smile
Of a future

Unexpected

I think of you
One leaf falls
A white flower
Unfolds
Like a lover’s letter
Words drift
Floating
Gossamer silks
Catch Earth’s breath

Sunshine
Explodes slowly
Over the horizon
Thousands of miles away
Curled in your heart
All the words
Of love

Nothing cupped
In my two hands
Only prayers for you

Beloved

Delighted
Angels played
A joke upon my heart
With the beauty
Of your mind

No regrets
To roll in loveliness
Eternal memory
You did not know
It was me
Wearing any face
Pleasing you most

You
Perhaps believe
Only you alone
Yet in you are
All my loves
Distilled to a perfection

Hanging

On the walls of my mind

Magnificent

Like a dream
Sparkling Sirius
Sword sweeping skies
Nights striding
Across the heavens
Years I watch
Looking for YOU

God.

Enough To See The Angels

He knew
When all that was left was place

He knew

Surely

He told two of us about it
Not long before it came
But even before then

Four locks
Three locks
Code

Gun under the pillow
Near the chair

Central scrutinizer

None came or left but that

He knew
Climb in the window at midnight
Look down the shined barrel

He knew

When that was all that was left to do
He stood guard for free

He always was a guardian
Guardians are often fierce
Warriors often live
By unknown

Code

He knew
Deciding rather than to wait
He would choose the time
He found that only he
Could see the banner
Flying in the yard
With his name upon it

But in spite of that
In spite of all

He stayed

Long enough
To see the Angels

Then

He knew