Become the Cookie!

2008-10-10 15.57.32

It isn’t ‘either/or’ it is ‘and/and’.

That is something people sometimes don’t understand about me. Most do but most are not trying to marry me. The very few who want me all to themselves, for some reason, miss the point that there are people in the world I love and the choice is not ‘me or everyone else’, the choice is ‘me AND everyone else.’

I have been in long term marriages and relationships with people who defined the meaning of ‘relationship’ as ‘either/or’. I was that was once myself and imposed a vast loneliness upon myself thinking that was the right thing to do.

It isn’t.

What happens when it is either/or is the eventual growth of dependency, martyrdom and, in the end, actual dislike. People in healthy relationships have ‘others friends’ and having those friends does not mean they are cheating and much of the time those friends are the same gender and they are not gay OR lesbian.

Human beings need approbation from each other. We need good times and a circle of love to live in. We need more than one friend and even, sometimes, if we are very lucky, more than one ‘bestie.’

I am not gonna lie and say I am perfect. I play here every once in a while and those people have respect and they KNOW that the ‘love’ that we have is based on a solid understanding of reality. I don’t stalk their pages to see what girls they like and, actually, I don’t chat that much with them either and they know I don’t cam and they respect the kind of person I am and I try to give that back and if I KNOW someone is married I step back.

But the last couple of years I hardly do that anymore either. Only once in several months. I am getting older and less interested in that stuff as anything more than ‘word games for the brain.’ A friend from a long time ago taught me this term, ‘mental masturbation.’ I didn’t do it with you either kid because I just couldn’t. I ‘lost it’ and did that with someone a little more mature. Someone who understands he and I are never going to be together and has no expectations of me and treats me like a good friend still.

It’s weird because being online is kind like interactive TV. You might really have a crush on someone and, in the old days, you got to stare at a movie or a poster and the only interaction was the one you had with yourself. Now you can go online and find ‘hotties’ with cams set up that do nothing all day but ‘interact’ and the chances of the one who is in love with that girl (and guys too these days!) will get that one for a life partner are about as probable as getting to marry Leonardo DiCaprio or Angelina Jolie.

It gets a little bit ridiculous but we can’t help ourselves even if we have self control. The world might see someone who never does anything wrong and that one might be carrying around ‘Justine’ in their head and you would never know it. That brings us back to what I started. It can never be, in the real world of real people, ‘either/or’. No matter HOW MUCH you want that big cookie all to yourself SOMEONE is gonna bite it while you aren’t looking. That is life.

That big cookie is love and everyone loves that big cookie and if you are gonna love people you are gonna be sharing that big cookie with the whole world and that big cookie might have sex in it but it really has nothing at all to do with sex and everything to do with basic human needs. The thing that makes people the most loved and envied is not how much of that cookie they can eat but whether or not they have the ability to ‘become the cookie.’

The Bows

There is a rainbow in this box of play,
I ‘wouldn’t have it any other way’,
It’s not a kind of symbol of ideal
But rather; simple, beautiful appeal.

I am biased; in this fact there are no lies.
I love black, green, gold and blue eyes,
Almond shaped and crescent shaped the same,
Tan, white, red curly head and tamed.

My beautiful ideal is hard to match.
It is even more impossible to catch.
How can you manage every single trait,
Of such awesomeness in just one single mate?

But then again there is a time in space,
When peace comes while the world is apace,
And suddenly all beauty comes together,
Like rain and rainbows come in sunny weather,

And, like a meadow at the summers start,
All flowers flung before my blissful heart,
Much better never plucked and only sung,
So they will be eternally young.

The embers of the soul you never meet,
Upon any dirt or grey concrete,
But only in the sharing of the minds,
The book of Love is opened; Beauty finds.

One Pair Of Shoes

We will go
One day

Where green hills
Roll up
Fling green capes
Over raw rocks
Icy cold
Clean streaming Life
Swimming in smiles
Away from judgement
Competition
Only to enjoy
Music sung by crickets
Birds and rain
Air bubbles trapped
On wet pebbles
Racing over star sparkles

Far away
You and I

Little one
Freckled gamin-faced
Sad and merry eyes
Unable to believe
Unable to give up
Hope amidst chaos

A place
Where no one is ugly
No one compares
How lovely is a colour
Or a shape or face
No one is alone
I will take you
Where Love lives

Reach up
Take my hand
Remember
All the days

We

Always

Are

Together even when
Each believing
We walked
In only one pair
Of shoes
With only one pair
Of feet

Our house
Will not last forever

We

Will

Take my hand
One foot
Next step
One foot
Next step

One our steps
Will rise up
Out of road dust
Into deep skies
Past space debris
Past Time

Almighty One
Always we were
Always are

Your song
Your words
Your creation

Every Life is Epic

Life is a choice.

We don’t have to choose to stay but we do stay. We stay to honour what God made even if no one else honours us. We sing our own songs by ourselves if we must. We wake up every day and keep going even when there does not seem to be a reason to live one more minute. We do this because of Love. In spite of all the things people have said against us we keep on. No matter how alone things are…no matter how many words are written for no reason…nothing matters except the will that says, “Carry on.”

Then, from the floor of the abyss of Hell you look up and see the angels singing, you see the stars shining, and you know you are not alone! There may be no people near but there are spirits everywhere offering you their love and help. It no longer matters what the world will do. Life and death become immaterial. You get up off the floor and stand.

Suddenly God is everywhere! Suddenly the entire universe praises in chorus! All of the petty intrigues and directed wars on this earth are shown in their true light: A play. A play directed by puppets who think they have control of something and have control of nothing. A play written by those who think they know the ‘secret’ and they know so little they would seem like infants who split one atom before the God who made every atom and allowed them to split one.

All we are given to be did not come from our own creation. We were given these things to be, even the things we would call a mistake, we are both the good and the evil. We are the light and the dark, and though we choose we are still destined to live the words written on the fabric of the universe.

Live them then! Whatever they are you have been given to be. Be that!

Never think you know what it is someone else’s job to be. You can only live one destiny here and now. Walk forwards into the strongest winds. If you cannot walk then crawl. If you cannot crawl then roll but do not stop until your heart contracts one last time and that electric force in you is freed to soar into realities we cannot possibly comprehend, within ourselves, as we are here.

When I am so full of love there is no one to give it to I send it out into the nothingness of everything on the wings of song while I think of the beautiful faces and amazing minds that are linked to mine and I know I am never alone no matter how alone I am. Prayers and intent are sent, with every direction of every cell, to pour wealth, success and happiness, even on those I cannot stand because I know very well there are those who cannot stand me.

If it is the eve of the ‘end’ or the dawn of the beginning makes no difference to the circle we stand in.

I love you God. I love you with every tear and every laugh and every sin and every good deed and everything you made me to be. I love you God like I never loved any human being on this earth because when I am alone here and there is NOTHING but me and silence YOU are here!

My reason to be.
My greatest love.

(With a nod to Martin Luther King for an idea)

Why Do You Come Here?

I am turning in for the night…..I miss some of you a lot but it’s all good…..Someone asked me “Why do you come here?”

Well a big part of it is art and writing. Part of it is learning things. Maybe one of the most important parts is sharing all that with people I love a great deal.

You see I don’t dance anymore…or play a musical instrument…I don’t date anyone in real life…I don’t party…no alcohol no drugs no sex no no no no…

No real life either and getting one the way I am is not that easy….(well it could be if I had no standards but I have standards.)

What you know of me here then is, in a very real sense, the me the ‘real’ world does not see…indeed the ‘real’ world does not see much of me at all and when I am in the real world I am very quiet most of the time these days.

So this IS my world:

This IS my ‘Final Fantasy’…it even has devils and goblins and people who think they can fly….crazy people…sane people….but the best ones of all are the magical people.

So I miss you Cinnamon and it looks like I will be missing Sky too…but it’s all good…There is always another soul waiting to warm a cold and tired mind at the fires of mine.

Enough To See The Angels

He knew
When all that was left was place

He knew

Surely

He told two of us about it
Not long before it came
But even before then

Four locks
Three locks
Code

Gun under the pillow
Near the chair

Central scrutinizer

None came or left but that

He knew
Climb in the window at midnight
Look down the shined barrel

He knew

When that was all that was left to do
He stood guard for free

He always was a guardian
Guardians are often fierce
Warriors often live
By unknown

Code

He knew
Deciding rather than to wait
He would choose the time
He found that only he
Could see the banner
Flying in the yard
With his name upon it

But in spite of that
In spite of all

He stayed

Long enough
To see the Angels

Then

He knew

All

All of it

It is worth

The river of tears

Worth the years alone

Worth the falls

Turned into flights

Worth the place

I find myself

Before a solitary keyboard

To have you

Even once

In my life

If you could see

The way I am smiling now

If you could feel

Those rivers of love

Never dammed nor damned

That will flow to you

In my forever

I will touch you

Without touching

Love you

Without owning

Give you away with joy

Leave

Many times

Many lives

I will always know you

Always love you

Always give you

What I can’t even give myself

All of it

By the Word of One

By the word of One
Siren song
Calls the faithful
To the shelter from the winds
For winds rule the prairie here
By the word of One

Watch dark skies
Pregnant with rain and bolt
Round bellied clouds scud
Icy clatter white maracas
Pelt the Summer window
By the word of One

Facing east
Thrown around my head
A shirt I was going to wear
Playing Pool Games
Whispered prayers
Blowing into the blow
Huuuuuuu
By the word of One

How to Live a Life With Two

You can’t save me
I can’t save you
I remember the day
You told me that
Our addictions did
Not belong to each other
It cannot go both ways
It can’t be all my fault
And none of yours
‘Cause with us 1 plus 1
Only equalled one
Half of you and half of me
Left half of us alone
You can say you gave 100
But I will claim the same
At the end of everything
We each cared more about
Me than you and if you say
It ain’t so you are lyin’ too
Yo ain’t it about time we
Owned up to fact that we
Were both too selfish and needy
To understand how to give
How to live a life with two

The End Of Main Street

“Come…sit next to me.” I patted the cement curb next to me on the last mile out of town. The freeway went on past what seemed like forever on the vast old prairie. He sat down. No one seemed to notice us in the cold sunset. Cars bulleted past until the stars began to open their eyes. Then the world became quiet. He was like unplayed music. I followed his dark eyes as they looked over the long road outlined in ghostly white. We sat there on the end of Main Street where the town ended saying nothing. There was something comfortable about the silence. It was as if we knew each others thoughts without trying.

I had never really met him before…or maybe I had met him many times in many places and just never remembered. Either way the space of time was fine with me. A few minutes in eternal present was enough. He looked at me and smiled without reservation.

The joy was enough for a lifetime.

He got up and started to walk away towards his destiny. I wanted to follow but his destiny was not mine. I watched him disappear into the night.

Somewhere in the distance a flute played…or perhaps it was a lark? I, too, got up off the curb and picked up a stick that had fallen from a tree by the high way. I used it to twist the ‘bob wires’ on the fence, that ran the length the eye could see along the road, and then I bent my body, carefully, and slid between the wires and started off across the farm fields. I, too, disappeared into the night.

Speak

Don’t speak to me now
In throes of fevered fervor
Like twisted DNA
Bound in spirals
Still zipped closed
If loosed
The story they would tell
Could burn us to cinders
I lay the bricks hastily
Damning the emotions
Into oceans of fire
So they never touch you
Were you always here
Before Time was born
Was it written
We would meet like this
In a present impossible
Unless we failed to love
Breaking all with evil

No…

Don’t speak to me now

Cosmic Main Street

From the years of the beginning called my heart
Searching for impossible dreams
This journey aims ever at it’s start
Vagabond soul curls anywhere warm and sweet
Always looking up for angels wings
Protecting me here on Cosmic Main Street
Sitting on a curb near the corner of Retrospection
Knowing I will doze a moment
Held close to your resplendent affection
For an instant in your distant universe we spin
Outside of these dimensions
I had to travel to find you my soul twin
Hours you have fired the hand that scribes
Poor words to tell a story
Of the quest one heart seeks and confides

But It Won’t Be Inside Your Mouth

Yesterday was love
It seemed there were lessons to be learned
We always seem to need those on a holiday
Anyway
So I woke up from a dream I wished would be
But it was just a dream you see

And so I came to this conclusion:

Don’t believe in dreams
You’ll end up with both open eyes
Empty hands believe in only what is real
And lives inside you

Papa told once the truth
When I was just a youth
and I will repeat the same thing now for the you

Wish in one hand shit in the other one
See which one fills up faster
Do not place your hopes on movies stars or kings
When the movie ends you will be left with nothing
When the kingdom crashes down you will be all alone
With nothing in a pile of rubble staring
at your empty hands
Don’t put all your happiness
Upon another person
It is very likely one day they will be gone far away
And don’t imagine you are happy
Because you have a home
Because really
All it is is just a place for the sack of skin you live in
To reside

Abide in that skin and you’ll be home
No matter if the kingdom falls
No matter how the winds may blow
And if it all comes crashing down again
Just smile and walk off
Like the hero did
In the movie that you only just remember from a dream

Oh my friend don’t cry
Don’t let your soul belong to the world
World will betray you
Don’t let your mind get set upon a game
The game the game will slay you
Don’t let money be the only focus of life life or beauty
You will someday lose it all
You will lose it all and the angels will come to take you away

Nothing much will matter in the face of that day
The things you dreamed the most of then
Will have nothing to do
With the things you thought you loved outside of you
It will be the love you gave to
More than dreams
Love who you are
More than the dream and shooting stars
More than anything on earth love God

The rest is just the wind
Yes wind is beautiful
It makes the silent things sing out
But it won’t always be inside your mouth…

Vantage Point

It all depends on where you are standing…or if you can stand anything. Simply put (and cheerleading the obvious) the things we dream of change over time or we risk supreme unhappiness if we are unable to do what we have dreamed of.

People say, “You didn’t get it because you didn’t TRY! You didn’t ‘speak in tongues! You didn’t BELIEVE hard enough!”

If that were true I would have won the lottery and become Miss America YEARS ago. There is no ‘Secret’. The only thing that ever matters, in this world, is ACTION! Even action is not a ticket to ‘Elysium’. Life is not a movie. If action were a ticket to your dreams there would be women, sewing clothing for Wal Mart, living a life they can only dream of because of the ACTION of their hard work. They are not lazy women. They are victims of circumstance.

Some say there is no such thing as a ‘victim’ but there IS such a thing. Yes there are things we CHOOSE that affect our lives but, quite often, there are things that we have NO CONTROL over and those are many. The children with cancer did not CHOOSE that. Those whose parents died swiftly, while still young, did not DREAM of that and choose that. If you climb the Apple Tree you may fall and break your arm but you might also be walking down the street and be hit by a random car and get a broken arm.

My mother was telling me, tonight, of women of her class and station who live in large, nice homes who are unable to care for themselves and whose children cannot or will not care for them and about how terrible they they think it is to give that life-style up and go live in a one bedroom apartment where there are people who will help them because they don’t want to lose their furniture and they cannot afford full time nursing care in their homes. They cry about the idea of going to the SAME PLACE I am so GLAD to be going!

Now that I have established from whence I am coming from I will go back to dreams.

I spent DECADES dreaming of seeing the Khyber Pass. I spent Most of my life dreaming of making enough money to buy plastic surgery and make myself pretty. In the last five years I had much smaller dreams. I dreamed of going to go live in Sulphur, Oklahoma. The man who was my next door neighbor moved there this year.

Last night I was dreaming about how awesome it would be to live where the old and crippled poor live. How much of a blessing that would be and how ready I am to go there.

A year ago I would have written that sentence and cried but now it no longer matters.

Vantage point is everything.