The Magic Bullshit Shield

Imagery.

I imagine something and make it viewable. I write something and make it imaginable. I + mage = Image. We are all mages, tricksters and creators. ALL of us. How this expresses itself is the only variable.

I respond, with my tactile senses, to something and it moves me to a non-tactile ‘place.’ It moves me to the ‘mage magic’ place. This is expressed in so many ways. When I was young there was a girl who was on the cheerleading squad. I only have seen this once in my life and I have seen many cheerleading squads but she was exceptional.

Why?

I tried to figure it out for a long time. She had short, dirty dishwater blond hair. She had terrible acne. She could not do the splits of any of the fancy stuff the rest of the squad did. Her parents were poor and not ‘town team sponsors’ (which will often get an ‘average’ girl an ‘exceptional’ placement.) She was NOTHING at all like a cheerleader and she was not even a SNOB!

She was like no one I ever met and I liked her and so did everyone else. I asked her, while riding that ugly yellow signature school-bus, what her secret was. See, at that time, everyone was calling me a ‘witch’ and so I was studying that. In those days, way out in the tall grass boonies of Oklahoma, in those ranch town libraries, about the only thing you could find was about the Salem Witch Trials. She looked at me in a strange way and then she said, “I am happy and I don’t care what anyone thinks of me. I am happy anyway.”

She really WAS happy but there was more to it than that. Her personality ‘stuck out’ farther than her skin. Her soul was larger than her body. After that I started to LOOK AT people and LOOK INTO them. I learned this:

The two do not always match.

There are those walking around in this world who are very powerful people and yet do not fit any descriptors of what a powerful person should look like or be. In doing this I met many such people over the course of my life. There was the young man who was the shortest, most snaggle toothed kid in the school and yet, when he played music, the girls who hung out with the homecoming queen would ask him out on dates. Once his band mates asked him what his secret was and why weren’t they getting any action as they were tall and ripped in comparison to him. He just smiled and shook his head.

There was the hippie English teacher who was weird and stoned and yet we learned more in her class, than we ever would learn anywhere else, about language and how it works. She was tall and strange with wild black hair and everyone made fun of her. She didn’t care what they thought.

It wasn’t the ‘I don’t care’ that is a REACTION to bullies and their bull shit but an ACTION that told the bullshit people, before they reached that stage, that their bullshit was not going to work.

That was the secret. Understanding what bullshit is and making yourself impervious to it.

Bullshit proof.

So for the New Year hits that is my wish for all my friends: that you keep, or learn to wield, your magic ‘bullshit shield.’

Become the Cookie!

2008-10-10 15.57.32

It isn’t ‘either/or’ it is ‘and/and’.

That is something people sometimes don’t understand about me. Most do but most are not trying to marry me. The very few who want me all to themselves, for some reason, miss the point that there are people in the world I love and the choice is not ‘me or everyone else’, the choice is ‘me AND everyone else.’

I have been in long term marriages and relationships with people who defined the meaning of ‘relationship’ as ‘either/or’. I was that was once myself and imposed a vast loneliness upon myself thinking that was the right thing to do.

It isn’t.

What happens when it is either/or is the eventual growth of dependency, martyrdom and, in the end, actual dislike. People in healthy relationships have ‘others friends’ and having those friends does not mean they are cheating and much of the time those friends are the same gender and they are not gay OR lesbian.

Human beings need approbation from each other. We need good times and a circle of love to live in. We need more than one friend and even, sometimes, if we are very lucky, more than one ‘bestie.’

I am not gonna lie and say I am perfect. I play here every once in a while and those people have respect and they KNOW that the ‘love’ that we have is based on a solid understanding of reality. I don’t stalk their pages to see what girls they like and, actually, I don’t chat that much with them either and they know I don’t cam and they respect the kind of person I am and I try to give that back and if I KNOW someone is married I step back.

But the last couple of years I hardly do that anymore either. Only once in several months. I am getting older and less interested in that stuff as anything more than ‘word games for the brain.’ A friend from a long time ago taught me this term, ‘mental masturbation.’ I didn’t do it with you either kid because I just couldn’t. I ‘lost it’ and did that with someone a little more mature. Someone who understands he and I are never going to be together and has no expectations of me and treats me like a good friend still.

It’s weird because being online is kind like interactive TV. You might really have a crush on someone and, in the old days, you got to stare at a movie or a poster and the only interaction was the one you had with yourself. Now you can go online and find ‘hotties’ with cams set up that do nothing all day but ‘interact’ and the chances of the one who is in love with that girl (and guys too these days!) will get that one for a life partner are about as probable as getting to marry Leonardo DiCaprio or Angelina Jolie.

It gets a little bit ridiculous but we can’t help ourselves even if we have self control. The world might see someone who never does anything wrong and that one might be carrying around ‘Justine’ in their head and you would never know it. That brings us back to what I started. It can never be, in the real world of real people, ‘either/or’. No matter HOW MUCH you want that big cookie all to yourself SOMEONE is gonna bite it while you aren’t looking. That is life.

That big cookie is love and everyone loves that big cookie and if you are gonna love people you are gonna be sharing that big cookie with the whole world and that big cookie might have sex in it but it really has nothing at all to do with sex and everything to do with basic human needs. The thing that makes people the most loved and envied is not how much of that cookie they can eat but whether or not they have the ability to ‘become the cookie.’

I Stand Where You Are

I stand
Where You are

I stand
Where You are

I stand
Where You are

One step
Then another
To your side
Glides the silken sweep
On clean marble carved
With runes of Laughter
From the heavens arches
Echoing
Swirled
Around covered feet
I stand
Where You are

I stand
Where You are

I stand
Where You are

No Prison
No isolation
Near You
Around You
I stand
Where You are

Resting in this orbit
Reaching up
Dripping into my hands
Swaying
Fingers of giant trees
Combing tress’d wind
Beloved

I stand
Where You are

I stand
Where You are

I stand
Where You are

Like a child
I will just be
Bursting light
Turn
Into the axis
Connecting Heaven
Here

I stand
Where You are

I stand
Where You are

I stand
Where You are

My aim
My target
My goal
Always was
You

Love
I stand
Where You are

Spiral uncontrolled
Beloved
Until innocence reigns
Each moment
Reversing
Clouds
Flowing backwards
Filled with bright colours
Butterflies forgive
Sharing the dust
Of glowing flight
No more pinned
No more ether’d
No more tongue-less
No more silent flight

I stand
Where You are

I stand
Where You are

I stand
Where You are

Free to cry
Free to laugh
Free to dance
Free to live

Beloved
For You
All my being
Transformed from tears
Collected
Every memory

Turn
Love
I stand
Where You are

We called
This music
Experience
We never knew
We will a gentlness
Together
Keep turning
Skip the words
Only when this ends
Will LIFE begin
Leave this plane
Leave this place
Leave where you believe
Only when we leave
Will LIFE begin

I stand
Where You are

I stand
Where You are

I stand
Where You are

Lock’t around your axis
Up towards your smile
Sliding these hands
We will be one

I stand
Where You are

Prayer

Let me write to you
The taut suspense time throws
Over the horizon
Before light raises a warm, bright hand
Covering a world that has forgotten angels.
Mercy.
Compassion.
Pray my Love pray!
Pray for limitless joy!

Pray for blind humanity
Clacking the words
Describing a world reft of touch and dreams
Left in the spark firing pistons of the human mind
Tickling dancing chemicals
Neuronal travellers astral
Leaving into dreams.

Hold me closely
In the moment of discovery
When souls magnetic mergers
Excite the unseen fields.

In The Dream,
Body to body twined
Blood to blood
As two become one
Rocketing like prayers of joy into Paradise.

Mercy.
Compassion.
Pray my Love pray!
Pray for limitless joy!

We need more
Than the food light grows in a surface of dust
Like a child’s face at play.
We are that nameless thing
Connecting to each other in wild desire.
We are the chill on scalp and neck,
Rolling down backs
Curved in intense prayer.
We are the mouths
Open in amazement as cities grow
Change and fall
Then rebuilt upon the fallen
Rocks that shook before

Mercy.
Compassion.
Pray my Love pray!
Pray for limitless joy!

We are forever.
We are the signature of God upon the earth.
We are trees of leafless heat
Cracking the dark stormy skies
The thunder of hooves on summer dry plains
Vast they are a sea of grass
Recalled
Only by the imprint of the memory
Of antecedents in spiraled words
Who wrote our being
With the quills of spirits flying before and behind
The point of time that is all things all at once.
Rip off the mask!
Show the universe your smile!
Creation sings for you.
The trees cry for you.
The oceans roar for you.
Rise!
Rise fearless into perfection!

Mercy.
Compassion.
Pray my Love pray!
Pray for limitless joy!

Home

After the juice of life is gone
Some stain of it
Will colour the glass you drink from
That once held my spirit
Full of you
Like distant storms
Towering and cloaked in majesty
Wearing every word I wrote
Transformed into gems
Sewn into air
Falling like rain stutters on cement
Or slaps upon the sand
I will cup both hands
Until they fill with you
Sparkling dazzles into what I was
You will become real
Time will cease it’s rot
We will see the majesty
Braiding our being into epic love
Handfuls of your hair
Knotted at your neck
I will decorate you with all of me
Behind two closed eyes
This old tale told anew
The velvet and the bite
Lucent sweetness electric
Floods of thought angelic horns
Sonorous sound sliding
Over staccato rills melting
Into rain ice recedes
We heal one another trading
Love for pain that lesson you
Taught me in a dream
Becoming one together swaying
You became me
And I decided to live the time left
If you would hold me near you
Even while separated by dimensions
I feel your hands move through me
As if I were smoke healing
With such reverence
No never
Was I so precious to anyone
As I was to you
Who tried to appear
In a form like mine
Your love
That will wait softly
These human moments
Until I come
Home

Ragged Holes

Tonight I dance alone again
Fantasies I create
Illusions so perfect
Like a ballerina spinning
On a music box
The metal prongs
Twinkling out the tune
Plucked from ragged holes
Stabbed into a circle
I call my soul
You will be here with me
Although I am alone
There is no sorrow now
You are as free
As every note played
From every flute
On every lonely hill-side
Those holes sing
Every time the cold winds
Blow through
Your life breath playing
Music for me to dance to

Alone

Allah is Allah…

…people are people.

When I am left alone with myself, because everyone is scared everyone else has beg bugs and no-one knows who is infected, it makes blessings happen anyway.

Someone told someone else I had bedbugs and now alot of people believe it but the blessing in that is that people will stay away and isolation, once more, keeps me clean from everything and everyone but myself. It was funny to watch a man grab his girl-friend, who is deaf, away from me and have someone stand as far away as they could on the elevator. Funny to watch them wait for me to get my mail from a few feet away and try to act nonchalant.

This has been the story of my life over and over and it is an old old story and no longer bothers me. It is like the wind. Whatever happens does happen and the rest doesn’t matter. I hope they don’t get bed bugs. I hope I don’t. The fear of them in this building is rampant. Friend making has to wait.

I already met the resident asshole. He looks like a tall version of ‘Elmer Fudd.’ He tried to make me mad but, blessedly, I cannot hear him say anything but mumbles. It drives him crazy to no end, me being deaf on one side. I just make sure the ear that hears nothing is always pointed in his direction and I grin at him and say,

“Huh what? Sorry bub I didn’t get you.”

One good thing about being old. The bullies can’t hurt you anymore. They are just as messed up as you and everyone else is.

One of the staff made fun of my voice until I told him about how the parathyroid surgery permanently screwed my vocal chords and now he does it and I laugh at him and he laughs back and it is a nice joke. No hard feelings.

People LOOK at me and the things they don’t see lead them to think one thing when another thing is true. There are so many ways to judge a book by it’s cover. The latest thing is, “Oh they are letting kids in here now!,” as if the neighbourhood is going to hell. You have to be at least 50 to get in here. No one believes I am. Under the guise of sweetness they try to poke me as if I am a liar. I am thinking of getting a birth certificate and pinning to my clothes every time I leave the room. *grins*

People on the fifth floor say all the bed bugs are on the third floor and the third floor says they are all on the fifth floor and now a new case was found one the first floor. The administrator gave away the reason in a quick lunch meeting. She said that people who are close friends should stop sharing things they have too much of…like food and clothes and such.

I don’t have any close friends yet. I came here when everyone was already scared.

There are three identifiable groups and I like the one at the front tables at lunch. They were cool too until one lady, who shares a name with me, found out her boof and I ate one lunch together and talked. Now he ignores me and she eats downstairs every day. I am thinking that I will stop going downstairs. Only 30 of 80 plus people do anyway. I just went to meet people and there almost is no point with everyone scared of bugs.

I don’t want a boof…not even in real life.

I am the only Muslim here too. I am hoping my bus pass work comes soon so I can mail it in and go tour the city. The residents here are pretty ferociously Christian in a nice way and I am always being hit up to go to Bible study and I might go but I am concerned that they might push me harder if they knew I was Muslim and then I would have to lock myself in my room. *grins* For the umpteenth time in my life someone told everyone I am a witch without my permission! (Why do they always pin that on me?) For now I won’t fight about it they sort of back off from the black hoodie thing. *grins again*

The world is trying it’s best to take me down and out but I am not going to give in. I am a survivour. I am amazing. Ignore me. I don’t give a damn. It almost feels like the world is in a conspiracy to make me blame Allah for the action or inaction of other people.

Allah is Allah.

People are people.

Two different things….end of story.

I Am About To…

…fall asleep face first in the keyboard again but there it is: The beautiful souls that know how to live outside the shell…or want to know. There are those very few who have this remarkable ability to make you feel like you are swimming in pure love.

I want to fall asleep with that.

When I fall asleep with that mind set astonishing things occur. I go hiking all over the world. I hug people on mountain tops. I lay in the sand of a shallow surf and hold hands with a dear one.

To those who know how to project that kind of love…How blessed you are. I want to return it to you 1000’s of times and if I knew how I would do that and I try to do that.

I know this one thing: I am the luckiest person on earth to have such people in my life. People of my heart, People of my soul, and People of my humanity. Good night. I plan to dream of such lovely things, people and places…and beautiful faces.

Someday in Paradise

He is in the distance but I know it is him. Behind him snow drapes the high peaks like the hairs of old men. In this green valley we walk towards each other, our feet crushing rainbows of spring flowers. My feet thrill to the feel of long, soft uncut grass and energy from mountains shoots through my legs and I start to run…and see you start to run towards me.

Huge gasps of air until my head is high as the clouds below us just were the tree line and meadows start. Does the hawk above see us running? Blue so high almost black but my eyes see you with cinnamon linen snapping over each stride. Closer you come and you smile with your eyes creased and beard slopped over one shoulder.

What do I look like to you in this world beyond worlds?

Finally,

We will meet. After years and lives and time is gone we will meet. I have waited for you a lifetime. The love I could never find in this life. 

My body flies over the heather and I feel my hair, now long again, streaming behind me like the soft skirt I embroidered with flowers of every shade, with my own hands. 

“Cinnaaaaaaaamonnnn!!!!!!!”

I cry your name and I think you run faster but time is not fast enough or it is too fast or it does not matter because you will meet me here in this paradise. Your arms reach out and as we meet the momentum makes us tumble, in a spin, to the soft turf. It breaks our fall. I find myself looking down at your glowing smile. Each of your hands is on one of my shoulders, holding me up while a smooth your long brown beard and comb it with my fingers. Still you have said nothing. Only your eyes have joy.

“What do I look like to you? I can only see you. I cannot see myself.”

I am resting with one palm on either side of your head now…our legs tangled in my skirts…my scarf falling across us and you grab it and let me go so I fall upon your chest and, without any words, you roll over until you look down into my eyes with cinnamon eyes. Breathing hard. Words are pointless. “No.” is pointless. You will not speak.

You pull the huge dupatta over our heads and touch my lips with yours. They are soft, warm and firm. Your body is heavy upon me and breathing is hard but I do not want to breathe I would be happy to die in this moment but now there is no death. Only You. 

I remember the lies I told you about how I really felt about you. I am startled as you say,

“I knew they were lies. I also lied. You meant as much to me then, even though we were both deeply flawed, as you mean to me at this moment. I have waited a lifetime just for this now.”

“You are my universe.” I whisper,

“You are also my universe.”

I reach my hand to touch his face and then both arms around his neck to pull him to me once more. How to put words to the flood of emotion? A kind of fierce sweetness and even his kisses taste like cinnamon. His hand behind my head now and his arm under the small of my back so I am pushing up against his body, arching into him. He feels strong like these mountains. I want to make my body a cradle for him. My hands move to his shoulders and hold on tight. I can feel him growing hard against my belly and I want him in it. I want him to fill me with eternity. 

When Real Life Happens…

…there is not as much time for writing or thinking things in depth. Yet sometimes something beautiful happens and you hear from a special person you wanted to talk to for a long long time.

Some people are soul mates.

Not from male/female passion or even lust but from something past the human ability to give a name to and trying to find a word is like trying to find a single charmed quark in the whole of the known universe. You don’t know why you love them so much you only know you do love them and if there were words big enough you would use them but all you want to do is just grab that person and hug them tight and never let go; not so the action can lead to sex but so you can try to become one person with that person, like a Vulcan mind-meld.

If you are blessed you get one in a life time but if you are really blessed you meet them more than once wearing more than one face. The faces are not ‘traditionally beautiful’ they have the beauty that surpasses that of mere mortals and transcends into the ‘awe-inspiring.’

I see a bird in flight on one face. A bird like a hawk with eyes like a galaxy in the dark and a smile whose signature is joy…on another face I see the eyes of a wise man who lived a 1000 years and the mien of earth, like mountains, with a mind that spans the world and all that is in it…on another face I see the naughty angel who fights an inner jihad much like my own and I see eyes like the part of the sky that has only the faintest stars in a sea of mysterious black on a canvas as fair as cream on feet that pose like a cat poised to strike. Inexplicably I love them almost as much as I love myself. They joined the pantheon of great souls in my life with the golden eyes that shine sun on me and with the deep, curly voice that is like a coiled snake that guards my heart…

…These are loves past human comprehension. Not the love of family only although some are ‘family’ and not the love of brother or sister although some have that role with me…

There is love in this world that thrills to a mere presence, a knowledge that someone is there with you even if it is only in spirit.

How can I be sad when I have been showered with this much beauty to behold in my life?

I Feel You…

…where you ride in the wind

Over man’s grey paths

On the roar of fire

Floating

Spinning while spinning

Singing with your teeth

Hands numb

Vibrations in cold

Keen skeen sharp

Under a mile high sky

Blue mirage above into black

Studded

With the frozen breath

Of Angels spinning

Where you ride the wind

I feel you…

…Where your skin is alone

Your face tingling

Wishing for a kiss more

Than pushing through unseen

Speeding

Holding tight to bars

Leaning into desire

Wanting the beginning

Only one way to go

On the roar of the fire

Spinning while spinning

Compressing kilometers

Gaining nanoseconds

Hurting with needing

Where your skin is alone

I feel you…

…The joy that cries

The lips that sigh singing

Charged from the core

Struck

Electrified

Spinning from blue

Into the stars

Hungry belly intense

Predator on the hunt

Crying over the kill

Sorrow for the bleeding

Where your skin is alone

Pumping you alive

Speeding spinning

Into the beginning…

I feel you.

Immortal

There is a world in my heart.

It is the only place You are real.

When I am tired and alone

I close my eyes and you are there,

I forget how much I ache and fail

We are as young as the beginning.

Cold alone becomes smiling warm

I crawl into your heart

Curl up like a child,

Safe from the world and it’s vipers.

The hands of your love protect me.

In this special place in my mind I know I deserve you.

We are beautiful here

When we meet

You are all the home I ever need.

Stay here with me for a moment of forever.

We will rest upon each other without words.

Like winds meeting in the storm

Make magnificent funnels as they mingle

So will we be.

You will be the song I sing.

You will be the joy I feel.

I give all of me to you freely.

Take whatever you need.

If it is mine it is yours in this world

That exists only in my fantasy.

The world sees only a cynical woman who cannot trust.

Here, in the world of thoughts,

She melts away from me and

You are real and you are strong

Enough to want only me and I want only you.

I cannot get enough of you my beloved

When you come to my non existence as you do.

I would float upon the sea of your devotion

Drown willingly in your storms.

We never have to try to desire

We are desire.

Reality dissolves into bliss.

You pull me into yourself,

Neural net meets neural net, tangles, orgasms and rests.

If we get what we focus upon…

 

How I have focused upon you.

Here, in my heart,

We have shared laughter, tears and life.

I have given you all my most precious thoughts.

I have opened my soul to you.

You know the soft ‘me’ that hides under the bravado and sharp points.

I gave this to you without reservation because you are my beloved.

Here in my circle we know no age.

We can wear any face we choose.

We can be anyone we wish to be.

We are the stuff of dreams you and I.

You are my dream.

Immaterial.

Immortal.

 

(by MshannonM)

All My Beloved

 
The bright fantasy of the mind
Left for the lonely
As sweet as nectar
All in the electrical brain
I can live 1000 lives
Love 10,000 times
Never touch anyone
What is left is made
Of smokeless fire
Reflected mirages
Dreams of words
Two edged swords
We all
Like magnets drawn
Come To one place 
By  forces within
We barely comprehend
Feel my soul
Both dark and light
Questing peace
You are It’s sweetest song
Pan’s pipes to live
Once more in memories
Even snow smiles
I would collect you all
To my world and my heart
Like the most beautiful
Most precious treasures
Keep you safe in this heart box
Impossible
You are all like light and song
You escape to the world and shine
You are like clouds
Like seas and rain
Every amazing Life
Uncatchable as light
 All my beloved
All my beloved

Tatterdemalions

Oh Beloved One
Look upon these faces
These desperate hearts
Seeking to fill emptiness with nothing
Send them waterfalls of Love
Send them rain
Wash hurting eyes
Until rivers of joy flow
Until deserts of cruelty melt
Until sand begins to green
… Make each one see
The other as a creation
Of such amazing beauty
That there is no way to compare
Oh Beloved One
The best words I have
You give me
The sweetest tears
Belong to You
The most joyful smile
It is Yours
No matter then the tattered humanity
For I, too, am tattered
Each of us torn in different ways
We still have to keep walking
Until there is no road
Until words end
Until beautiful gates open
Into places we cannot imagine
Oh beloved One
Be with me in my aloneness
As I finally rest into dreams
You give me such lovely ones
May it be one day
The world is clean again

Story of Delight

Blessed with love

The ‘BE’ of what was, is and will always BE

Each recall a gem of light and beauty

Each story a story that began with delight

Each one a person of ecstasy

Of pain

Of all the elements of LIFE

I have lived life because you allowed me into yours

For a moment

For a month

For a decade

For a lifetime

The heart is not so small it can love only one

The heart grows

Stretches

Breaks

Gives birth in tears and cries

Learning to love even more

Until a moment comes

Everything is clear:

 

Love is Life

I have lived it

 
 
Dedicated To All Those I have Ever Loved

I will always love you!