Heading for a Broken Heart

She’s
Headed for a broken heart
She doesn’t know it yet
But I think she suspects

She
Recalls the guy she left
Cryin’ in the drive way
When she left him that day

She
Went to where love lives
She was sitting on a chair
Another girl was there

His
Mama and his Gramma
His whole family
Was there to have some tea

He
Leaned over the table
Whispered through his mama’s hair
“That’s your daughter over there!”

She
Looked to where he said
It was the new girl he had met
From his college days jet set

She
Was the girl no man could have
She just laughed and kicked the fools
She was well equip’t with tools

She
Looked at the girl in the chair
Looking at the man she wanted
With sad eyes oh so haunted

She
Looked at the newest girl
That girl looked back at her
Then looked at his mother

He
Was smiling happily
He had most everything
A young man like him could dream

He
Walked right out of her life
He left her standing in the drive way
The day he went away

She
Knew soon he would find out
The same thing that she learned
About how you get burned

Life
It always comes around
No one can stop the time that comes
When you get what you gave plus some

Then
You have to see the truth
Or be doomed to repeat
Failing to complete

I
Write this from where I stand
Knowing what I see
Once again will be

This time it won’t be me….

Become the Cookie!

2008-10-10 15.57.32

It isn’t ‘either/or’ it is ‘and/and’.

That is something people sometimes don’t understand about me. Most do but most are not trying to marry me. The very few who want me all to themselves, for some reason, miss the point that there are people in the world I love and the choice is not ‘me or everyone else’, the choice is ‘me AND everyone else.’

I have been in long term marriages and relationships with people who defined the meaning of ‘relationship’ as ‘either/or’. I was that was once myself and imposed a vast loneliness upon myself thinking that was the right thing to do.

It isn’t.

What happens when it is either/or is the eventual growth of dependency, martyrdom and, in the end, actual dislike. People in healthy relationships have ‘others friends’ and having those friends does not mean they are cheating and much of the time those friends are the same gender and they are not gay OR lesbian.

Human beings need approbation from each other. We need good times and a circle of love to live in. We need more than one friend and even, sometimes, if we are very lucky, more than one ‘bestie.’

I am not gonna lie and say I am perfect. I play here every once in a while and those people have respect and they KNOW that the ‘love’ that we have is based on a solid understanding of reality. I don’t stalk their pages to see what girls they like and, actually, I don’t chat that much with them either and they know I don’t cam and they respect the kind of person I am and I try to give that back and if I KNOW someone is married I step back.

But the last couple of years I hardly do that anymore either. Only once in several months. I am getting older and less interested in that stuff as anything more than ‘word games for the brain.’ A friend from a long time ago taught me this term, ‘mental masturbation.’ I didn’t do it with you either kid because I just couldn’t. I ‘lost it’ and did that with someone a little more mature. Someone who understands he and I are never going to be together and has no expectations of me and treats me like a good friend still.

It’s weird because being online is kind like interactive TV. You might really have a crush on someone and, in the old days, you got to stare at a movie or a poster and the only interaction was the one you had with yourself. Now you can go online and find ‘hotties’ with cams set up that do nothing all day but ‘interact’ and the chances of the one who is in love with that girl (and guys too these days!) will get that one for a life partner are about as probable as getting to marry Leonardo DiCaprio or Angelina Jolie.

It gets a little bit ridiculous but we can’t help ourselves even if we have self control. The world might see someone who never does anything wrong and that one might be carrying around ‘Justine’ in their head and you would never know it. That brings us back to what I started. It can never be, in the real world of real people, ‘either/or’. No matter HOW MUCH you want that big cookie all to yourself SOMEONE is gonna bite it while you aren’t looking. That is life.

That big cookie is love and everyone loves that big cookie and if you are gonna love people you are gonna be sharing that big cookie with the whole world and that big cookie might have sex in it but it really has nothing at all to do with sex and everything to do with basic human needs. The thing that makes people the most loved and envied is not how much of that cookie they can eat but whether or not they have the ability to ‘become the cookie.’

Home

After the juice of life is gone
Some stain of it
Will colour the glass you drink from
That once held my spirit
Full of you
Like distant storms
Towering and cloaked in majesty
Wearing every word I wrote
Transformed into gems
Sewn into air
Falling like rain stutters on cement
Or slaps upon the sand
I will cup both hands
Until they fill with you
Sparkling dazzles into what I was
You will become real
Time will cease it’s rot
We will see the majesty
Braiding our being into epic love
Handfuls of your hair
Knotted at your neck
I will decorate you with all of me
Behind two closed eyes
This old tale told anew
The velvet and the bite
Lucent sweetness electric
Floods of thought angelic horns
Sonorous sound sliding
Over staccato rills melting
Into rain ice recedes
We heal one another trading
Love for pain that lesson you
Taught me in a dream
Becoming one together swaying
You became me
And I decided to live the time left
If you would hold me near you
Even while separated by dimensions
I feel your hands move through me
As if I were smoke healing
With such reverence
No never
Was I so precious to anyone
As I was to you
Who tried to appear
In a form like mine
Your love
That will wait softly
These human moments
Until I come
Home

…………. Amuse Heaven (A short mini-fiction)

Once upon a time there was a girl who knew too much about guys. She thought it might be fun to find out things so she, and some of her friends, got together to make a test. They did this test many time in many forums over the years. One girl was the leader…I was one of the followers and the hypothesis of the experiment was that no men are faithful.

From Myspace to Tickle to Facebook the test stood through time.

It started as one girl who saw it as her mission to help other women by showing them what dogs their men were and then dumping the dogs. She was fascinating to watch in action! She would say,

“Get ready to see some pretty colours!”

I was always watching.

She had a real talent for breaking even the most holy of boofs (and some of their goofs too!) She was like Jimi Hendrix’s song ‘Bold As Love’…..(just ask the ‘Axis!’)

Now of course alot of people do naughty talk in private (until now when General Snowden told America “all their base belong to us”). But most of that naughty stuff stays private OR the people involved don’t CARE if they are private or not (but that is another subject) but this girl could make a priest talk nasty! Then she would email it to the bishop AND the archdiocese!

Talk about amazing!

I saw guys fall like ducks from the sky in season! Emails went out like mad to all boofs and goofs and soon EVERYONE in that circle was aware:

Even the most holy guys cheat….

(Since then I have found one or two exceptions but even the exceptions like non touchable naughty stuff)

Over time it became profiles that were ‘man traps’ and were sometimes turned on and off for effect as women who were curious about their husbands, (and/or boofs), went into profiles to check people up to see if they would be naughty with a ‘haughty hottie’…

Most all of them fell for the haughty hottie like mighty oaks…

This had the cumulative effect of making the women and girls behave like the men…and the men behave like the women…

…and that is how ‘metro-sexuals’ happened

Ends

Time went on
Little children

Playing in the dirt
Bright white grins
Were left behind
Old skins shed

Innocence lost
Trying

To hold on to a dream
You once saw

A moment
In a flower
Time goes on
Leaving behind

Youth
Strength and pride
Upraised chins
Defiance
Time keeps going
Work
Children
Bodies fail and age
Memories

Heavy as rocks
Try to hold on to Life
Time stops short
Ends

I Need To Change My Name To ‘Sinbad’

I think my name should be ‘Sinbad’ because I sin bad all the time!

Now I have a reason for this: I am alone for many years BUT I had a reason for it when I wasn’t alone too because when you share space with someone who is drunk, drugged or gay you also end up angry enough to sin. So I must be Sinbad because no matter what my life is when I decide to do it I do bad so well!

Now don’t get me wrong I don’t do this all the time. I am like ‘Lancelot’ in ‘Camelot’: I spend the whole movie being pristine perfect and just when everyone is sure I am going to be good eternally I fall…

…big time! Now the higher a place you fall from the bigger you go SPLAT!

Here recently I have almost given up…I mean seriously when you leave your door unlocked at night hoping for a reason you don’t have to be held responsible and then verbally SMACK the crap outta someone for trying it online and then go write your own porno I mean heck…isn’t that the definition of hypocrite?

Sometimes I feel like Ella Fitzgerald singing, “Someone To Watch Over Me.”

No I don’t mean spiritual stuff I mean like real flesh and blood who is not drunk, stoned, smoking, or leaving after the dirty deed is done to go home to his (whatever there is at home) and if you think that means I know that scenario VERY WELL try this on…

… twice since 2004!

So it isn’t like I am bed hopping 24/7 or even hopping at all…as a matter of fact I hardly get any social action and when I DO have some it feels so over whelming I sleep for three days afterwards! OK now I am like looking forwards to Tuesday…now I have NO IDEA if anything is going to happen on Tuesday I mean, heck, it isn’t even here yet! Nothing might happen! If Something DOES happen I will be all mentally running in circles and screaming and throwing confetti but I will not die if nothing happens. Lots of guys over the years promised this thing or that thing and never cough up the things they promised and on the other hand a few guys (who are effing AWESOME) cough up what I need for nothing and ask for nothing and I would hug them and all that but they belong to awesome women and I don’t do that to other women if I know about it…I just pray that those awesome people get more and more happy and successful and leave my door unlocked at night sometimes…

…sick puppy huh???

What is sad is that no one comes through unlocked doors they try to beat the locked ones down and the only ones that are locked are on really pretty castles that have seen many many guests and the once that is free and unlocked hardly EVER has anyone sleep in it!

*wonders if it is the graffiti sprayed on the walls that keeps them out?*

Hey sometimes I even spruce my castle up and paint it and all that stuff and take photos of it I can’t post online, because I am a hypocrite and all, and then, ready to show the world a lovely castle (once or twice a year) go to someplace to show-case and LIB ain’t NO ONE thar to see it t’all! So I hose off the paint and all the lights and frills and get back to the old ruined castle mode and THEN someone wants to see it and by that time old Sinbadi in her castle is all ‘Get Lost Mo’Fo!” until the next year around the same time!

Then I usually kick back and write a whole romance,with sex and everything, post it on my blog which no one reads and then shortly after that, I look at this one angel-faced guy who is like *faints* and feel guilty as hell and take the story back down and save it for later like a hypocrite…

Man you KNOW you are so ‘NOT SCREWED’ when the last guy you asked to marry you said “No!” and he NEEDS help really bad and is a GOOD LONG TERM FRIEND!¬†

…Yeah I need to change my name to ‘Sinbad.’

LOL!

Hell Is A Creature

Where is the next one
Who can get close to this fire
Without being burned?

They are so few

This mind was destined
For this shell

But they do not fit
They do not match
The ones that match

Leave

How many ways
Are there to leave?
My jihad is to choose

Life

Someone told me once
Be a ghazi
They are leaving too

The rock stays
On the shore

Watching

Waves dance away
Sparkling in the sun
Fire made this rock
Fire is this soul

Where is the next one
Who can get close to this fire
Without being burned?

October Always Changes Everything

That October you came by
Walking in the sun you were
Young again with hair still black

Your big white smile
In that small place
Not even on a map

Life was innocent then
For a moment
Two years ago
I smelled your sweat in the sun
I could feel your happiness
Just to be alive

You were the strongest
The most amazing man on earth
You could even make
Tornadoes leave

Your nick names
Bear and Earthquake
Because you were so tall
So strong
You could even
Move a wireline truck
Off a man in danger

You smelled like Old Spice
And fresh raw black oil
Your hands were full of agates
You mind was full of ideas

I never thought you loved me
Head to head we spent a lifetime
You tried to love the insane
I tried to love the angry

You took your last breath
You came to see me
Time stopped
You were a giant man
You were legendary
Like Texas

I was Oklahoma’s child
I belonged to the wind
You made me tall those days
Before the world killed you
Before it killed me
While we yet lived

I am your daughter

Now you know
I am your daughter

Papa…

Now that you are gone
You walk all over
Making more earthquakes

Magoon

The End Of Main Street

“Come…sit next to me.” I patted the cement curb next to me on the last mile out of town. The freeway went on past what seemed like forever on the vast old prairie. He sat down. No one seemed to notice us in the cold sunset. Cars bulleted past until the stars began to open their eyes. Then the world became quiet. He was like unplayed music. I followed his dark eyes as they looked over the long road outlined in ghostly white. We sat there on the end of Main Street where the town ended saying nothing. There was something comfortable about the silence. It was as if we knew each others thoughts without trying.

I had never really met him before…or maybe I had met him many times in many places and just never remembered. Either way the space of time was fine with me. A few minutes in eternal present was enough. He looked at me and smiled without reservation.

The joy was enough for a lifetime.

He got up and started to walk away towards his destiny. I wanted to follow but his destiny was not mine. I watched him disappear into the night.

Somewhere in the distance a flute played…or perhaps it was a lark? I, too, got up off the curb and picked up a stick that had fallen from a tree by the high way. I used it to twist the ‘bob wires’ on the fence, that ran the length the eye could see along the road, and then I bent my body, carefully, and slid between the wires and started off across the farm fields. I, too, disappeared into the night.

Speak

Don’t speak to me now
In throes of fevered fervor
Like twisted DNA
Bound in spirals
Still zipped closed
If loosed
The story they would tell
Could burn us to cinders
I lay the bricks hastily
Damning the emotions
Into oceans of fire
So they never touch you
Were you always here
Before Time was born
Was it written
We would meet like this
In a present impossible
Unless we failed to love
Breaking all with evil

No…

Don’t speak to me now

If You Will

If you
Will

Smile

For what I send
With good intent
I feel the smile
Never
Needing your face
You are
Let me
Walk
Next to you
Into
Dreamscapes
Here we
Will drink

The Wild Unknown
Drunken
Step
In unison
Soul to soul
If you
Will

Smile

Cosmic Main Street

From the years of the beginning called my heart
Searching for impossible dreams
This journey aims ever at it’s start
Vagabond soul curls anywhere warm and sweet
Always looking up for angels wings
Protecting me here on Cosmic Main Street
Sitting on a curb near the corner of Retrospection
Knowing I will doze a moment
Held close to your resplendent affection
For an instant in your distant universe we spin
Outside of these dimensions
I had to travel to find you my soul twin
Hours you have fired the hand that scribes
Poor words to tell a story
Of the quest one heart seeks and confides

But It Won’t Be Inside Your Mouth

Yesterday was love
It seemed there were lessons to be learned
We always seem to need those on a holiday
Anyway
So I woke up from a dream I wished would be
But it was just a dream you see

And so I came to this conclusion:

Don’t believe in dreams
You’ll end up with both open eyes
Empty hands believe in only what is real
And lives inside you

Papa told once the truth
When I was just a youth
and I will repeat the same thing now for the you

Wish in one hand shit in the other one
See which one fills up faster
Do not place your hopes on movies stars or kings
When the movie ends you will be left with nothing
When the kingdom crashes down you will be all alone
With nothing in a pile of rubble staring
at your empty hands
Don’t put all your happiness
Upon another person
It is very likely one day they will be gone far away
And don’t imagine you are happy
Because you have a home
Because really
All it is is just a place for the sack of skin you live in
To reside

Abide in that skin and you’ll be home
No matter if the kingdom falls
No matter how the winds may blow
And if it all comes crashing down again
Just smile and walk off
Like the hero did
In the movie that you only just remember from a dream

Oh my friend don’t cry
Don’t let your soul belong to the world
World will betray you
Don’t let your mind get set upon a game
The game the game will slay you
Don’t let money be the only focus of life life or beauty
You will someday lose it all
You will lose it all and the angels will come to take you away

Nothing much will matter in the face of that day
The things you dreamed the most of then
Will have nothing to do
With the things you thought you loved outside of you
It will be the love you gave to
More than dreams
Love who you are
More than the dream and shooting stars
More than anything on earth love God

The rest is just the wind
Yes wind is beautiful
It makes the silent things sing out
But it won’t always be inside your mouth…

I Am About To…

…fall asleep face first in the keyboard again but there it is: The beautiful souls that know how to live outside the shell…or want to know. There are those very few who have this remarkable ability to make you feel like you are swimming in pure love.

I want to fall asleep with that.

When I fall asleep with that mind set astonishing things occur. I go hiking all over the world. I hug people on mountain tops. I lay in the sand of a shallow surf and hold hands with a dear one.

To those who know how to project that kind of love…How blessed you are. I want to return it to you 1000’s of times and if I knew how I would do that and I try to do that.

I know this one thing: I am the luckiest person on earth to have such people in my life. People of my heart, People of my soul, and People of my humanity. Good night. I plan to dream of such lovely things, people and places…and beautiful faces.