Become the Cookie!

2008-10-10 15.57.32

It isn’t ‘either/or’ it is ‘and/and’.

That is something people sometimes don’t understand about me. Most do but most are not trying to marry me. The very few who want me all to themselves, for some reason, miss the point that there are people in the world I love and the choice is not ‘me or everyone else’, the choice is ‘me AND everyone else.’

I have been in long term marriages and relationships with people who defined the meaning of ‘relationship’ as ‘either/or’. I was that was once myself and imposed a vast loneliness upon myself thinking that was the right thing to do.

It isn’t.

What happens when it is either/or is the eventual growth of dependency, martyrdom and, in the end, actual dislike. People in healthy relationships have ‘others friends’ and having those friends does not mean they are cheating and much of the time those friends are the same gender and they are not gay OR lesbian.

Human beings need approbation from each other. We need good times and a circle of love to live in. We need more than one friend and even, sometimes, if we are very lucky, more than one ‘bestie.’

I am not gonna lie and say I am perfect. I play here every once in a while and those people have respect and they KNOW that the ‘love’ that we have is based on a solid understanding of reality. I don’t stalk their pages to see what girls they like and, actually, I don’t chat that much with them either and they know I don’t cam and they respect the kind of person I am and I try to give that back and if I KNOW someone is married I step back.

But the last couple of years I hardly do that anymore either. Only once in several months. I am getting older and less interested in that stuff as anything more than ‘word games for the brain.’ A friend from a long time ago taught me this term, ‘mental masturbation.’ I didn’t do it with you either kid because I just couldn’t. I ‘lost it’ and did that with someone a little more mature. Someone who understands he and I are never going to be together and has no expectations of me and treats me like a good friend still.

It’s weird because being online is kind like interactive TV. You might really have a crush on someone and, in the old days, you got to stare at a movie or a poster and the only interaction was the one you had with yourself. Now you can go online and find ‘hotties’ with cams set up that do nothing all day but ‘interact’ and the chances of the one who is in love with that girl (and guys too these days!) will get that one for a life partner are about as probable as getting to marry Leonardo DiCaprio or Angelina Jolie.

It gets a little bit ridiculous but we can’t help ourselves even if we have self control. The world might see someone who never does anything wrong and that one might be carrying around ‘Justine’ in their head and you would never know it. That brings us back to what I started. It can never be, in the real world of real people, ‘either/or’. No matter HOW MUCH you want that big cookie all to yourself SOMEONE is gonna bite it while you aren’t looking. That is life.

That big cookie is love and everyone loves that big cookie and if you are gonna love people you are gonna be sharing that big cookie with the whole world and that big cookie might have sex in it but it really has nothing at all to do with sex and everything to do with basic human needs. The thing that makes people the most loved and envied is not how much of that cookie they can eat but whether or not they have the ability to ‘become the cookie.’

Cosmic Main Street

From the years of the beginning called my heart
Searching for impossible dreams
This journey aims ever at it’s start
Vagabond soul curls anywhere warm and sweet
Always looking up for angels wings
Protecting me here on Cosmic Main Street
Sitting on a curb near the corner of Retrospection
Knowing I will doze a moment
Held close to your resplendent affection
For an instant in your distant universe we spin
Outside of these dimensions
I had to travel to find you my soul twin
Hours you have fired the hand that scribes
Poor words to tell a story
Of the quest one heart seeks and confides

But It Won’t Be Inside Your Mouth

Yesterday was love
It seemed there were lessons to be learned
We always seem to need those on a holiday
Anyway
So I woke up from a dream I wished would be
But it was just a dream you see

And so I came to this conclusion:

Don’t believe in dreams
You’ll end up with both open eyes
Empty hands believe in only what is real
And lives inside you

Papa told once the truth
When I was just a youth
and I will repeat the same thing now for the you

Wish in one hand shit in the other one
See which one fills up faster
Do not place your hopes on movies stars or kings
When the movie ends you will be left with nothing
When the kingdom crashes down you will be all alone
With nothing in a pile of rubble staring
at your empty hands
Don’t put all your happiness
Upon another person
It is very likely one day they will be gone far away
And don’t imagine you are happy
Because you have a home
Because really
All it is is just a place for the sack of skin you live in
To reside

Abide in that skin and you’ll be home
No matter if the kingdom falls
No matter how the winds may blow
And if it all comes crashing down again
Just smile and walk off
Like the hero did
In the movie that you only just remember from a dream

Oh my friend don’t cry
Don’t let your soul belong to the world
World will betray you
Don’t let your mind get set upon a game
The game the game will slay you
Don’t let money be the only focus of life life or beauty
You will someday lose it all
You will lose it all and the angels will come to take you away

Nothing much will matter in the face of that day
The things you dreamed the most of then
Will have nothing to do
With the things you thought you loved outside of you
It will be the love you gave to
More than dreams
Love who you are
More than the dream and shooting stars
More than anything on earth love God

The rest is just the wind
Yes wind is beautiful
It makes the silent things sing out
But it won’t always be inside your mouth…

Demons Chant

If I smash into a million bits
For a thousand ‘you’s’
That I would never dream to use
What would be left then
Of this carefully crafted binary house
But smoke and ruins
… The road to Death so simple
The road to Life so hard
Should I waltz the waltz of Love
With the World instead of Love?
These questions are not only for the young
They stay with us
Until we are no longer
“BREAK BREAK BREAK!”
They do not need your ears
To make you hear them scream
Shall I die smashed into a million bits
For a thousand ‘you’s’?
Souls die a little bit inside for Love
How much love to give
Until shreds of self dry up
Fly away into the wind
Why do we give so much for so little
Standing and looking back in Time
… Time throws knives at me
They hit….they hurt….
They shock the alone with image
Until love is almost hate
A blame for existance
Nothing to be trusted again
As we could not even trust ourselves
Might as well stop caring
Dive into ‘The Play’ as once
So many years ago we swam
Not even aware that bloody chunks
Of soul were stolen
When we drank our own blood
And called it ‘wine’
And said it was fine
Souls die a little bit inside for Love.

Rambling

The mind expands
Finally quiet as human spirits
Ripple from contact
Dropping swiftly
Into unexpected amazment
We can be more honest here
Only our minds show
Our hearts give speech
Never given in the world
Heart to heart symbolism
… Unlike a shared hand
Each with it’s place in human needs
As dreaming takes shape
Inside a bone gem boxYou can punch without a fist
You can love without a kiss
You can be what your mind creates
In this unreality so real
I would play with you
Rolling down green hills
Grass stained clothes
Amazed children’s eyes
Where touch is innocent
Liking someone is such
An acute feeling
Even a glance is a furious blush
Too sweet to know what it may mean
In later days and older dreams
Small things more precious
The greatest gift a flower pluck’d
Inside to know it’s death to give
Means something yet unknownThere is a grand dolour
To this March in Life
The loss to gain
The fear you feel when you know
You approach forbidden bliss
Souls cry out ‘NOOOOOOO!!!!!’
Intellect prevails
1000 little deaths to death
And yet the grand dance is sweet
Sweet sweet pain begged for
By kings and farmers
The desires
The dreams
The 1000’s of wishes
The glittery things the world parades
Before quickly jaded eyes
Oh my soul cries for the wine
Of pure water once more
I try to taste it
I know too much now
To know that delight
In this grand dolourous waltz

Take my hand then
Try to have hope
Try to believe still that it will be
Sometime past times end
The spirit rises to lovliness

May The Spirit Rise

The mind expands
Finally quiet as human spirits
Ripple from contact
Dropping swiftly
Into unexpected amazment
… We can be more honest here
Only our minds show
Our hearts give speech
Never given in the world
Heart to heart symbolism
Unlike a shared hand
Each with it’s place in human needs
As dreaming takes shape
Inside a bone gem boxYou can punch without a fist
You can love without a kiss
You can be what your mind creates
In this unreality so real
I would play with you
Rolling down green hills
Grass stained clothes
Amazed children’s eyes
Where touch is innocent
Liking someone is such
An acute feeling
Even a glance is a furious blush
Too sweet to know what it may mean
In later days and older dreams
Small things more precious
The greatest gift a flower pluck’d
Inside to know it’s death to give
Means something yet unknown

There is a grand dolour
To this March in Life
The loss to gain
The fear you feel when you know
You approach forbidden bliss
Souls cry out ‘NOOOOOOO!!!!!’
Intellect prevails
1000 little deaths to death
And yet the grand dance is sweet
Sweet sweet pain begged for
By kings and farmers
The desires
The dreams
The 1000’s of wishes
The glittery things the world parades
Before quickly jaded eyes
Oh my soul cries for the wine
Of pure water once more
I try to taste it
I know too much now
To know that delight
In this grand dolourous waltz

Take my hand then
Try to have hope
Try to believe still that it will be
Sometime past times end
The spirit rises to lovliness