The Ones We Never Get

The most epic loves are the ones we never get.

I say this, not to take away from those relationships that people have throughout their lives because it takes a deep and spiritual love to stay the course with someone for 40 or 50 years and forgive the horrendous things humans do to each other, but I say this in the sense of the idea of a kind of dream-like purity that transcends the ordinary. Of this unrequited love the stuff of epic myth and romance comes. Beethoven composed ‘Fur Elise’ and Edgar Allan Poe wrote ‘Annabelle Lee’ for these reasons.

But it isn’t always about who dies. Death can also be metaphorical. A person can spend a lifetime at the altar of Love and never have ‘it’ as ‘It’ is understood from time immemorial. The Kama Sutra was written by monks living on a mountaintop.

The love you never get is exquisite. It takes on a life of it’s own and it becomes a part of the definition of who we are as we project ourselves onto it in a way that could never be if we had to live with it’s human counterpart every day. It is never indecorous. It is the perfection of Galatea. It never grows old. We may grow old but it lives inside our brains like a diyah light in a dark and endless Alone. It is the companion of the old, the poor, and the forgotten. It is the muse of poets and artists and it is the reason why the one no one wants, smiles, for no reason, in the flow of uncaring Life.

This is the love that sings chorus after chorus of the impossible and rides the crest of dreams. It is the Voice of the self that seeks to belong to itself and it is the desire to give freely of the secrets you have made of the epic nothingness you shaped into beauty. It is the unspoken savagery of lust and the soaring flights of purity and it sings the whole range from bass to soprano with one throat.

It looks at the world from a thousand faces so lovely and yet so unaware of their own beauty and it holds them like gems, uncaring they be glass or diamonds. Yet with millions of words there is no way to describe how this great love feels in it’s totality of expression from the depths of the sewers to the roof of the skies.

The love you never get cannot be owned, It can’t be traded or tossed away or forgotten. It will find you while you cry over what was lost and take your hand and lead you into a new tale. It is never wasted time. For some it is all they will ever have. The love that was never conquered is like nature in it’s pristine and untamed state: lovely and devastating.

It makes you joyous you can still feel the depths of loss even as you get up out of the pool of tears and keep on going.Roses

Facebook Asks Me…

…What’s on my mind?

Sexual odes to Love,
Iridescent bubbles,
Slow dancing with angels,
Infatuated euphoria,
Music that makes me smile,
Writing love songs to my beloved
Sprung full grown from my brain
After giving me a headache

What’s on my mind…

Dark eyes filled with stars,
Leather and sheesha,
Galloping across the plains,
Mountains in the distance,
Hawks on our wrists,
Flung skywards
Full of prayers

What’s on my mind…

Deep blue evening,
Round pebbles making water speak,
Hung around your neck
Wear me,
And I will wear you,
Leaning on the tree to big to move,
Breathing in you
Breathing out you
In and out moving
Into darkening

What’s on my mind…

The room The screen The words The end.

10th Street Gangsta Kid

Now I am not suggesting that anyone go out and trust the world without question but, ever so often, something weird happens and it makes you wonder about things. Back in the day I lived over near The Red Dog Saloon on 10th street and there were plenty of shootings and robberies that went on down there and everyone knew it. The heli were out every weekend searching for escaped felons and drug dealers…sick bird men and women and belligerent drunks. Not the kind of place you’d ever even wanna pick up a pre teen with dropped pants on the week end…

…even the kids ’round there people said they packed. Maybe it was fear because that street was the bumper hood between the haves and the have-nots but anyway there was a Friday night at, like, one am in the cold early spring one day and it was raining cats and dogs!

I was driving back home from seeing my soon-to-be ex husband at that time from the neighbouring town and there was a kid walking up the side of the flooded water-logged road. He didn’t have any protection not even a torn open garbage bag! Kid looked pretty miserable and, against my better judgement, I pulled over and asked him if he needed a ride.

It was a really weird moment for us both. Here I was; some blond white lady who just got a degree from college driving a grey Honda who pulled over and asked 14 year old dropped pants black gangsta kid If he needed a lift…

He did it turns out.

He didn’t look at me as he got in the passenger side and it suddenly occurred to me that the kid was scared…

…of me.

Shouldn’t it have been the other way around? This was most odd!

“Where’ you goin’?”
“‘Bout five-six blocks up…”

He was staring at the floor board of the passenger side with single minded determination!

I kept driving and he moved his head and I noticed he had looked at my purse, which was sitting on the area just behind the gear shift between the seats and then, from the corner of his eye he looked at me in surprise when I smiled at him and kept driving. Then he looked at the floor board again. We drove the rest of the way in a weird tense silence in the oddest reversal of roles I ever experienced.

“Here…” He said in a whisper as we turned into one of the most notorious of the properties on 10th Street. I pulled in and a huge crack of thunder boomed and lightning struck in the sheeting rain as I stopped in the main lot of the apartments he asked me to take him to…as he got out it was clear the kid had a gun. He could have easily nabbed my purse and run but, somehow, he was suddenly as vunerable looking as any kid I ever saw anywhere and, I was almost worried about him as he sauntered out into the dark rain and disappeared into the buildings.

Now I am not saying everyone should trust everyone. My dad was once maced by a white gal, who tried to kife his wallet, who was was hitchin’ on I-40 but you never can tell about people…

…no you never can tell.

Hacking The Mainframe

About 25,00 years…oops sorry I mean 25 years…no it was just a coupla days ago…


I was doing a research paper on one of my fave subjects, The Mughal Empire, and went searching through the libraries data base to find the information.

To give you an idea of how old I am, the data base for the mainframe of the college I attended, was only a year or so old. They still had the card catalogue available for those who had no idea how to use the computers. Now I am STILL not tech savvy in the SLIGHTEST but I was curious. I had never used a computer before. Of course, back then, everything was still ‘DOS’ and you couldn’t ‘Google’ things it was basically just a data-base. I wanted to see if I could find all the books I needed without a card catalogue.


I am blond. This means, in American Terms, something like a ‘Pathan.’ In some ways very smart and in other ways…maybe it’s true blonds have more fun? Eh heck I don’t believe that but, yeah, in some ways I am a typical blond. I can’t tell you if that is culture (Blonds DO have a culture!) or if it was nurture but hey, this isn’t a psyche paper so ?

I was DETERMINED to find EVERY BOOK using ONLY the computer! (Right now my Facebook DP is distracting me because I think I look like one of mom’s Pomeranian and that is a BLOND thing!)

I went up to the monitors that were placed in a modular manner on some long tables and went to work…

…only I could not figure out what to do!

Slowly, carefully I put my data requirements in the search engine. I refined them using key words. I was looking very hard for information that was not in the data base and, no matter what I did, my efforts were in vain! Finally, on a whim, I decided to type in a foreign word to see if it could prod the ‘DOS beast’ into vomiting up the information I needed. I typed the word in.

Suddenly the computer went INSANE! Things started cascading across the screen so fast I could barely keep up and I am a speed reader! My heart started to pound! What had I done! I looked around and saw the other people using the data base were also freaking out! Some were cursing, softly, under their breath and in less than a nanosecond the whole thing went blank screen and locked up!

Quickly I got up and we all fought over the card catalogue!

The next coupla days the school college paper, (it was still printed on paper), came out and the headline blazed, “ANONYMOUS HACKER SHUTS DOWN THE ENTIRE COLLEGE DATA BASE!”

I cringed inside.

The article went on to explain how someone had used a key word known only to the programmer, who was from India, (yes things never change), and had done a malicious act of terror on the college data base system that would take a week to repair.

It was an accident…

…or blond destiny?