The Magic Bullshit Shield

Imagery.

I imagine something and make it viewable. I write something and make it imaginable. I + mage = Image. We are all mages, tricksters and creators. ALL of us. How this expresses itself is the only variable.

I respond, with my tactile senses, to something and it moves me to a non-tactile ‘place.’ It moves me to the ‘mage magic’ place. This is expressed in so many ways. When I was young there was a girl who was on the cheerleading squad. I only have seen this once in my life and I have seen many cheerleading squads but she was exceptional.

Why?

I tried to figure it out for a long time. She had short, dirty dishwater blond hair. She had terrible acne. She could not do the splits of any of the fancy stuff the rest of the squad did. Her parents were poor and not ‘town team sponsors’ (which will often get an ‘average’ girl an ‘exceptional’ placement.) She was NOTHING at all like a cheerleader and she was not even a SNOB!

She was like no one I ever met and I liked her and so did everyone else. I asked her, while riding that ugly yellow signature school-bus, what her secret was. See, at that time, everyone was calling me a ‘witch’ and so I was studying that. In those days, way out in the tall grass boonies of Oklahoma, in those ranch town libraries, about the only thing you could find was about the Salem Witch Trials. She looked at me in a strange way and then she said, “I am happy and I don’t care what anyone thinks of me. I am happy anyway.”

She really WAS happy but there was more to it than that. Her personality ‘stuck out’ farther than her skin. Her soul was larger than her body. After that I started to LOOK AT people and LOOK INTO them. I learned this:

The two do not always match.

There are those walking around in this world who are very powerful people and yet do not fit any descriptors of what a powerful person should look like or be. In doing this I met many such people over the course of my life. There was the young man who was the shortest, most snaggle toothed kid in the school and yet, when he played music, the girls who hung out with the homecoming queen would ask him out on dates. Once his band mates asked him what his secret was and why weren’t they getting any action as they were tall and ripped in comparison to him. He just smiled and shook his head.

There was the hippie English teacher who was weird and stoned and yet we learned more in her class, than we ever would learn anywhere else, about language and how it works. She was tall and strange with wild black hair and everyone made fun of her. She didn’t care what they thought.

It wasn’t the ‘I don’t care’ that is a REACTION to bullies and their bull shit but an ACTION that told the bullshit people, before they reached that stage, that their bullshit was not going to work.

That was the secret. Understanding what bullshit is and making yourself impervious to it.

Bullshit proof.

So for the New Year hits that is my wish for all my friends: that you keep, or learn to wield, your magic ‘bullshit shield.’

Become the Cookie!

2008-10-10 15.57.32

It isn’t ‘either/or’ it is ‘and/and’.

That is something people sometimes don’t understand about me. Most do but most are not trying to marry me. The very few who want me all to themselves, for some reason, miss the point that there are people in the world I love and the choice is not ‘me or everyone else’, the choice is ‘me AND everyone else.’

I have been in long term marriages and relationships with people who defined the meaning of ‘relationship’ as ‘either/or’. I was that was once myself and imposed a vast loneliness upon myself thinking that was the right thing to do.

It isn’t.

What happens when it is either/or is the eventual growth of dependency, martyrdom and, in the end, actual dislike. People in healthy relationships have ‘others friends’ and having those friends does not mean they are cheating and much of the time those friends are the same gender and they are not gay OR lesbian.

Human beings need approbation from each other. We need good times and a circle of love to live in. We need more than one friend and even, sometimes, if we are very lucky, more than one ‘bestie.’

I am not gonna lie and say I am perfect. I play here every once in a while and those people have respect and they KNOW that the ‘love’ that we have is based on a solid understanding of reality. I don’t stalk their pages to see what girls they like and, actually, I don’t chat that much with them either and they know I don’t cam and they respect the kind of person I am and I try to give that back and if I KNOW someone is married I step back.

But the last couple of years I hardly do that anymore either. Only once in several months. I am getting older and less interested in that stuff as anything more than ‘word games for the brain.’ A friend from a long time ago taught me this term, ‘mental masturbation.’ I didn’t do it with you either kid because I just couldn’t. I ‘lost it’ and did that with someone a little more mature. Someone who understands he and I are never going to be together and has no expectations of me and treats me like a good friend still.

It’s weird because being online is kind like interactive TV. You might really have a crush on someone and, in the old days, you got to stare at a movie or a poster and the only interaction was the one you had with yourself. Now you can go online and find ‘hotties’ with cams set up that do nothing all day but ‘interact’ and the chances of the one who is in love with that girl (and guys too these days!) will get that one for a life partner are about as probable as getting to marry Leonardo DiCaprio or Angelina Jolie.

It gets a little bit ridiculous but we can’t help ourselves even if we have self control. The world might see someone who never does anything wrong and that one might be carrying around ‘Justine’ in their head and you would never know it. That brings us back to what I started. It can never be, in the real world of real people, ‘either/or’. No matter HOW MUCH you want that big cookie all to yourself SOMEONE is gonna bite it while you aren’t looking. That is life.

That big cookie is love and everyone loves that big cookie and if you are gonna love people you are gonna be sharing that big cookie with the whole world and that big cookie might have sex in it but it really has nothing at all to do with sex and everything to do with basic human needs. The thing that makes people the most loved and envied is not how much of that cookie they can eat but whether or not they have the ability to ‘become the cookie.’

Ends

Time went on
Little children

Playing in the dirt
Bright white grins
Were left behind
Old skins shed

Innocence lost
Trying

To hold on to a dream
You once saw

A moment
In a flower
Time goes on
Leaving behind

Youth
Strength and pride
Upraised chins
Defiance
Time keeps going
Work
Children
Bodies fail and age
Memories

Heavy as rocks
Try to hold on to Life
Time stops short
Ends

Cosmic Main Street

From the years of the beginning called my heart
Searching for impossible dreams
This journey aims ever at it’s start
Vagabond soul curls anywhere warm and sweet
Always looking up for angels wings
Protecting me here on Cosmic Main Street
Sitting on a curb near the corner of Retrospection
Knowing I will doze a moment
Held close to your resplendent affection
For an instant in your distant universe we spin
Outside of these dimensions
I had to travel to find you my soul twin
Hours you have fired the hand that scribes
Poor words to tell a story
Of the quest one heart seeks and confides

She

Before the days of many gods and goddesses there was one Being who dreamed everything and spoke it into existence. Everyone knows this. The story is older than Time Itself. When ‘time’ happened there were men and women walking the entire Earth.  They bred and peopled the planet with children.

During these days all the creatures could be here, where I tell this story, all at the same time and everyone understood each other with a clarity one cannot find now. Lying was impossible. There was no concept of ‘naked’ nor was there any concept of ‘good’ or ‘evil’ and no one had any law other than the ones they made themselves. ‘Law’ is not a good word. They had a ‘way-of-life’ that was simple: wake up, bathe, pick food from the land, walk everywhere, breed, raise young, and people had very long lives then. They were simple people. Today we classify them as ‘close to ape-like’ as if we are somehow superior but they were nothing of the sort; they were as smart, and in some ways smarter, than we are today. They were able to create what they needed with very little thought or effort and they lived and loved and were at peace with the land.

The Great Being, who later was named ‘God’, was outside of Time and had no end nor any beginning. That One could see all that would ever be as if It were reading a vast book and, later, humanity would come to have the idea of such a ‘book’ and call such books ‘holy.’ Indeed, after a time those books were needed because of a singular event in Time.

The Great Creator was alone. It had created everything and loved the creation dearly but the creation could not understand that vast love and the Being decided to try to create something that It could talk to. It would be a stretch to call what It created a ‘child’ but, in some ways, that was a little bit like the idea. What It created was going to be the pinnacle of everything It had ever created and the crown jewel of Creation Itself for the whole of Creation was also alive and was, and is, aware and sentient. It wanted to create something like the people and angels that already lived, together, on the blue, white and green planet it had set spinning like a sapphire in the vast dark of space that had blown out with a ‘big bang’ and the Being exhaled the sounds that commanded It’s creation to ‘become’. It was close to all that It had made and could easily talk to all of it and all of it could reply but there was something missing.

The Great Creator went, personally, and caused a lovely garden to occur. It was paradise and the humans that came from it would later name it ‘Eden’. From the ground It created a ‘man.’

That man was the king of the world. That man could think on a level higher than all the other beings created and that man named them all because naming a thing was new and the first words of the first language were spoken. Those words were the same words, that you can see small traces of, in every tongue that utters sound today.

This story is an old, old story. It is so old it cannot be copy-righted. It is so old that most of the people, on what we now call earth, understand some similar version of this tale and the tales that came after it. It has become an ‘Archetype’ for the Human Race and also has been accused of being nothing more than a figment of the Human Mind but once upon a time…

…She existed.

We all call her different names. Only she knows her name now. There are no accounts of her death. She still walks the earth as the spirit of an old woman but, once upon a time she was young and had eternal life. The twist in Time had not yet been ‘cut’ by ‘Knowledge.’ For centuries She ruled this planet before men thought of ruling anything. For eons she was the Virgin Queen of Light in the days when the Earth was young and strong. She lived in a Paradise-on-Earth and she ruled it and all that was in it. She was not made of ‘dirt’ like the first creations but she was made of the finer stuff the finest creation, that existed before her, was made of: Flesh and blood. She was both a daughter and a sister at once. The Earth was under her feet.

On an endless lovely day she walked the garden. He was swimming in the lagoon after they had a water fight…she did not know about the conversations taking place without her awareness…

“Why did It create them to be over us? WHY! WE are the strongest of all! WE know things that pair of idiots has not been taught yet! LOOK at them! They are designed to reproduce and yet they do NOTHING!” This was said by an angry Angel.

“Brother…why does that bother you so? They will get to this with Time.”

“Why can’t WE make more of ourselves!” The angry Angel was yelling and thunder cracked across the Skies of the slowly spinning earth. The First People ran for the caves and the warmth of fires.

“We have eternal life. We do not need to reproduce. You know the Law. The Universal Law. They do not know the Law and they are innocent.”

“Then I will TEACH them the Law!”

“You know we are forbidden to interfere.”

“They can’t fly. They can’t make things vanish into nothing!” the angry Angel pointed at a tree and lightning struck it and the First People saw it as a bad omen.

“Stop being childish even YOU don’t know all there is to know yet!”

“I WILL know and I will teach….

HER!” The angry Angel pointed at the Queen of Earth.

She walked through the garden and admired it’s great beauty. This was home to all of the best and the most beautiful things on the planet and she had not yet seen them all. Each discovery was a new and lovely surprise. When she had first become aware she had seen His face looking at hers and smiling as they lay on the soft grass and flowers. He was, without doubt, the most beautiful thing in the garden! She smiled as she remembered how he had said she was the most beautiful thing in the garden. The rabbits and deer played at her feet and flowers grew where she walked. Millions of years later She would be portrayed in movies like this as many characters that Men thought they had invented but, in reality, she is the faintest memory of the perfect ‘Mother’ and, as such, is a part of the vast Human consciousness that strives to explain Life; but, on this day, she was simply the most stunning woman on Earth. As she walked she became aware of someone nearby,

“Come out of the trees! I thought you were still swimming!” She laughed and the trees sighed with joy! “Hurry! Catch me!” She began to run and heard movement in the bushes and was delighted! She loved this game! Later generations would call it ‘Hide and Seek’ but she just loved the game! She quickly climbed a tree! See if HE could find Her hidden in the leaves!

The Angry Angel shifted his shape angelic to humanoid. In the realm of Angels he was much larger than any human being but, He could shape-shift into a tall humanoid form with wings. He watched her running and laughing. He hated the man she belonged to and he knew that she was the key to his plans…

…but already he was beginning to fall in love with her. As light as a feather from his own wing she leapt from branch to branch. Without any effort he rose on the those wings that were as wide as he was tall and hovered as he allowed himself to appear to Her. In the distance he could see the Man, still swimming, in the lagoon. He watched as her eyes widened with joy at seeing a new creature: Himself. Often he had seen this look directed at anything new she saw and now she was looking at him with those amazing golden eyes! He hated everything about his own existence at that moment. He hated what he was going to do to Her. Once more he looked at the man who was swimming far away and decided he hated him the most.

“I have never seen you yet. What is your name?”

Her voice was liquid sunshine. Her mouth was the colour of red roses and her skin was like the smooth velvet a young mesquite branch. He wanted to teach her everything he knew. He wanted to take her away from HIM. maybe if he could make her love an Angel…? Maybe if he could take the place of the Man? Maybe if he could prove he was just as good?

Maybe?

His chagrin must have shown on his face because she was suddenly compassionate. Her slender, long fingered hand reached out to touch his face and he grabbed that hand and kissed it’s palm. She allowed this with such kindness in her eyes!

“Are you a kind of bird-man? I never saw anything like you before! What is Your name? Did He see you and name you yet?”

His heart flamed with dislike of the one that was now his competitor but he hid that emotion. “No I have no name but the name you give me My Queen.” he whispered that with every atom of his existence in the words.

“You are the most beautiful creature I have seen yet…so I will call you ‘Light’.”

She had named her first creature! Her heart was filled with joy!

His heart also thrilled with joy as he swept her up into his arms and carried her into the sky, both of them laughing. The Earth was happy and the weather was great and the First People came out of their caves and were glad after the terrible storm earlier. They gave thanks to the Great Creator and celebrated! They saw the pair flying overhead and laughing and thought they must be Angels of Mercy and chiseled rocks with pictures of the pair.

She looked into his black eyes as they flew and the force of forward motion carried her body against his.

“Wrap your legs around me and you will not fall.”

There was something strange in his eyes and she felt it down to her soul and was troubled.

“There is no need to be troubled.” He was soothing now. “I can teach you the secrets of the universe. I can teach you things beyond your wildest dreams. The first thing I can teach you is how much I love you. I want you to have my children.”

(later will be edited for content.)

And so it was.

She learned he had been appointed the ‘Watcher’ or ‘Guardian Angel’ of the planet Earth. She learned how to make love and how to reproduce herself with him. Her children learned how to wear colours on their faces and herd animals and farm and play music. Her children would be known as titans, nephilim, djinni, and they would be called ‘gods’ and rule the nations that began with the land of Ur…More angels would come and take her daughters as wives and they would be granted privileges as goddesses but first came the disaster:

As they lay under an Apple Tree she had been so full of the magic spells of her new lover she had forgotten everything before. It came back to her now as she looked upon the gorgeous creature lying next to her under the tree whose seed she now carried. He was clearly in love with her. They had flown outside the garden into the lands of the First People. She became afraid. She had never been afraid before.

“I think we have…”she could not find a word for what she felt.

“You are learning now. I am an eternal being and our children will have half of my life span and will seem like gods and goddesses to these people.” The creature beside her waved a lazy, finely tattooed blue hand at the surrounding area. “Would you like to be seen as a goddess? You are my goddess! I will find a way to make you live forever!” His eyes looked fierce and his blue-green muscles flexed in his arms. He later would, indeed, cause her to live in what seemed to be ‘forever’. She would be known as Ishtar and Astarte. She would be known as Hera and Ashura; some would call her Inanna and still others would call her ‘Lilllith’.

“We need to go back in the garden and check on HIM! I was not supposed to leave him alone!” Panic possessed her! What was she supposed to do? “Please! PLEASE take me back!”

“You belong to me now and no longer to HIM, but we may go back.” The angel caused wings to grow from her back and she cried out from the pain. “This will hurt only this time. Then you may change your shape as you please. Come. Fly back with me.”

They flew back to the Garden of Paradise and found an invisible barrier they could not cross. They could only watch as the Great Creator caused the King of the World to fall asleep a second time and they watched as a new woman, who looked exactly as the first one, was created for him. SHE began to cry as she realized what had happened. “Why are you sad? he will never know it is not you and I love you with all of my being!” She stiffened in his arms as her tried to hold her close and regain her once innocent heart but it was too late. She looked at the Angel with hatred and vowed to get even with him even if it took Eternity. He hung his head and huge waves of sorrow washed over him as she watched her fly away carrying his unborn children. He would never know that every daughter she raised she would raise to hate him and his kind even as she gave them all in marriage to the Sons of Light.

They would destroy the world.

The First People were kind. She was heavily pregnant and had no where to go, having adopted their shape they did not recognize she was one of the ‘others.’

Her once beautiful ‘Light’ had seduced the second woman and the third attempt at creative redemption. The child was born a cursed twin to his fraternal twin and the children of two different fathers had shared one womb. She felt soory for the ‘other woman’ but it was not her problem. She was also about to give birth. They had allowed her into their cave dwelling and, for the first time in human history, she noted they had killed animals and made leather. She tried to talk to the Great Creator as she had before but That One could not hear her anymore. She had watched, with both pity and satisfaction, as the man she had been paired with and his new bride had been driven away from their beautiful home and made to drink the blood of the animals they had named and loved.

Only one creature she had named. If he had loved her so much why did he go to the other woman as well?

“Oh God! Oh God please talk to me like days of old!”

But there was nothing. The First People thought she was praying and was a priestess. They made her sacred and they piled stones for her to sacrifice animals upon the alter so they could appease her God. To kill these creatures whose language she once understood killed her inside as well but it was ordained to be so. They showed her the drawings and carvings of the ‘gods’ on the rock and she recognized who she had been. They had told the story of the tree and the storm there as well and it made her feel the foreboding future.

When the pains came she screamed as she was torn in two and felt Death near to take her away as her baby girl cried “LIFE!” and was born. When Light came to save the woman he had once loved and restore her once more she allowed this and the people saw they had ‘gods’ living amongst them and they worshiped these gods. The baby girl was as fair as Light and the mix of blue-green and copper resulted in a pale and lovely olive gold with black eyes and hair. So it was the First People called her ‘Fire’ and she was the first of the many goddesses on the earth.

Light and Lillith danced again and made a son.

The son and the daughter married and what would become ‘Egypt’ one day was born to them. From them would come Greece and from Greece would come Rome and from Rome would come Europe and from Europe would come America: the youngest nation of that kind.

From the ‘other woman’ came Mesopotamia and that became Babylon and that became China, The Middle-East and Saudia and from these would come Pakistan: the youngest nation of that kind.

Everyone knows about the Great Flood and how humanity started over and why it had to be done. They don’t know all the details but it really isn’t needed to explain me or why I exist.

I am HER daughter. The one that some call ‘Lillith.’

One that other say is the spawn of shape-shifting lizard people. They are only partly right.

I found this out when I met her in a dream.

I was looking for something unknown,

There is a road,
An Old Path,

… It is not large enough to accommodate two travelers walking side by side. It winds around a lake in the north. The land is rolling hillside covered with Cedar Green and blood rusted dirt and yellow sunflowers. The air is thick and the wind blows hard from the south.

I walked on this same road alone many times.

I came to a place at the foot of a steep red hill

A grove of Cedar Trees lay ahead. The shade looked cool and easy to a traveler. As I entered the grove there was an old woman
sitting quietly at it’s center, tailor fashion, rocking back and forth, like I did as a child, while she crooned.

It sounded like some anguished prayer and I thought to myself, “What is wrong with this old woman to cause her such sorrow?”
I waited, curious but detached until she saw me. freezing in mid-prayer, she did not bother to look at me or turn,

“Who are you?”

“A tired traveler….”

“No…who are YOU!”

She commanded me

“I am a lion…captured and trained by evil gods,
I have all the instince to breed but the ability stolen…
I fled the cage with wild yearning but my keeper
Came and rescued me from near starvation
I was never taught to survive…
I escape every time and am returned to the cage….
Every time.”

“What is you NAME!”

Another demand….a harsh demand

“My name is Moira, Mara, Maria, Mary, Marie, Maryam, Mirium, Meara….”
I trailed off

“Mary” she sighed deeply,
“Each contact is a stab for me…it hurts to be alive…”

She rose slowly from the ground and turned to face me,

“Why would you speak with me?”

I wanted to leave because I had no easy answer. Had I been seeking her? I was only walking the Old Path. How could she have seen me so clearly? It seemed as if I knew those eyes: her eyes. They were at once both clear and black…bright and young in an old and withered face. As she studied my face she began to chuckle….

I DID KNOW HER!

“You know who I am and you are speechless!
What do you ask the first woman on earth?
What to you say to someone as old as dirt?
You believe that if you understand me
You will understand yourself…so be it….
But I will make no promises…”

I stayed with her until I went to sleep and woke up in the ‘other’ world where life is modern. The next night I woke up once more in the cedar grove and there was the old woman, praying and crying in that odd language,

“Why are you crying?”

“Why?” She almost swallowed the word with a sob,

She turned and those young-old eyes pinned me,

“I weep for my children who will, shortly, destroy each other. They will unleash the great force of light…Wisdom…but there will be no wisdom it it. The light will annihilate them…..once light was a rainbow after the first rains, and far away where I could no longer go was a lovely garden in my memory, I gave the gift of free will where only destiny should have been measured…
This would have been given when it was time to give it….I gave it too soon.”

She was crying again.

“I have been all over the world. Very few noticed me. I have seen everywhere but where I wish to return to. I have seen the Earth when she was an infant…I have seen what my children have done to her and to themselves….”

Again she was weeping…

While she cried I thought of all the places I would never see. I already knew in my heart and had seen that much was written. The Rift Valley, Mount Everest, The Khyber Pass….all dreams of dreams….The fables cities for song and story: Tashkent, Samarkand, and I might never see Kashmir. These places danced in my head and I knew the old woman had seen them all…how horrible to see the end from the beginning….the price to pay for teaching too much…to be deathless without any glory left…

“STOP NOW!”

She screamed at me.

“Do NOT dream of what you DO NOT know that way leads to the death!”

I looked at her stern face with it’s still strong lines etched in iron,

“How did you know what I was thinking?” I asked softly,

“You are a part of me I can never reclaim. You are that part of me which desired to learn. I know you as well as I know my own self. You are my daughter.”

The old woman walked stiffly away from the grove then and the wind shifted now blowing from the north and the sun…sun here?….cast long shadows…what had become of time??? As I mused she was about to round a corner of the tall canyon,

“WAIT!!!!” I cried out to her

But she was gone.

I, once more, went to sleep in her night and woke up to my day and then went to sleep in my night at woke up to her day.

As I awoke once more in the cedar grove it was nightfall and she came back around the corner with sticks for a fire. She blew on them and a fire appeared.

The oldest woman on earth…

… “I thought you were dead.”

She began to laugh and cackle almost like the crackling fire…

“In all your readings where was it ever mentioned that I died? In one tradition I was turned into a demon…but that was not so. This is my punishment. To see all things deteriorate into nothing. I had children with him. SHE had children with him. On this earth are two sets of these. You are of mine. ”

This struck me with a kind of force past words. She was not talking about what happened AFTER the flood…she was…

….as the idea exploded in my head she started to laugh….

“You are right….I do not ever recall a story about your death.”

“My body has wasted away to almost nothing and so the impression was that I died. This pleases those who rule. I am an earth bound spirit and I cannot leave until I have completed the years of my curse here. Why you are allowed to meet me in this dream I do not know.”

Then I woke up and I have never seen her again.

The Nameless Valley

 

The Nameless Valley

 

I opened my eyes and there it was…so familiar somehow as if I had lived there a million lifetimes. Red canyon walls of steep red granite and sandstone surrounding a valley that seemed like doors of birth to Earth Herself and the thought occured, “If I climb those walls and look out over the edge am I born again?” then laughed at the ridiculous thought. Down the center of the red valley flowed a shallow stream as clean as if no human had ever set foot here. Was I really here?

No People.

I realized then how easy it has been to sit up and leaned back touching the rough, sun warmed rock with the palms of my hands. It felt gritty and alive and the sand beneath me seemed to want to touch me back. I looked down an saw I was on a narrow pink sand bar and became aware of water tickling my toes as if it had some mind of It’s own as well. The sun was blocked by the west canyon wall and as i sat there, musing, time fled and I noticed the warmth directly over head had come from the WRONG DIRECTION! Heart racing I jumped to my feet looking wildy around as realized I was not anywhere I KNEW and then it hit me:

I had jumped to me feet! JUMPED!

“AHHHHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA” I screamed at the universe and realized I could SCREAM! the wild impulse of long delayed need slammed me like some unseen fist as laughing and crying and screaming I started to sing an old song I had adapted from one religion to another LOOOONG ago!

“My God

Is an awesome God

God reigns from Heaven above

With wisdom, power, and love

My God is an awesome GOD!!!!!”

 

Over and over I sang and whirled like a dervish in one spot in the flowing water in the middle of the valley….i was the only living thing…

The only sound.

 

Gasping for air and swaying with vertigo I fell in the water and wondered why there were no animals? The stone bottoms of the shallow stream were hard but I was not hurt and I realized i was wearing some kind of garment….long and rustly coloured and hand woven it seemed like the ‘Salwaar Kameez’ from….from….

….I sat down very troubled. Where was everyone? Why was it not sad that there was no one? My family….my mother….even my mother seemed as if she had lived a long life and died happy thousands of years ago….? I whispered to the breeze, “I love you mama….” and it seemed the breeze kissed the…tear? was I crying? The sun had passed to the other side of the canyon and I began to walk aimlessly as energy seemed to flow up from the ground and it seemed like yesterday and epoch ago I had fought with panji and loved tariq and wished i had my own apartment and that the motorized wheelchair had come. Mama….she always had to drive from the next town to bring me food and she was so old then already…how old was I now? Did it matter?

I tried to see my reflection in the stream but it was too shallow and sparkly. I looked at my hands and yet somehow it seemed that i was more existance than flesh….yes there were hands and they flexed as hands do and they….but they were NOT too and yet….I stopped walking for a moment. My brothers, Micheal, Sajid and Wasim….they belonged to another time now…maybe another planet even….My sisters all gone in the light of times streaming onwards with thier grace, beauty and perseverance. I should be sobbing with the loss…only one tear for my mother? Who were those who i hated so back then?

Silence.

No names even left to me now….I looked upwards and spoke to God and wondered at the azure sky….neeli aamaan…sapphire…ruby…lost in some daze of…of…aching throat and trembling heart…words coming…gracias narangi…mom was blanca chica but with cafe espiritu…

Mama…east and west were now truely opposite.

 

Deepamji….what planet did you get now? Thomas….where are you now? Are you in Native American heaven with your father? No. These thoughts were useless now they came from so long ago even the memories were no longer mine. Only the connection of the Mother on the kiss of the breeze mattered as it became dark and some new primordial dusk fell…was I an Eve? A Liillith? Did it matter? The tickle of the breeze was becoming a wind soughing down the canyon as if the sky would make love with the earth and I stopped to feel the great joy as it pushed against me and I pushed into it….where would the stars be now? Kahan Tahreek? J’ai nothing….word salad….the last cold purple chasing warm orange. Vines appeared hanging over the edge of the high cliffs….at least 1000 feet above me. Think hairy vines with yellow fruit on them….I picked one of the glowing yellow globes and bit into it and the pupils of my eyes became wide so the darkness was pleasant and everything limned in a phosphorecent shimmer. The fruit was hot, tart, sweet, salty and bitter all at once….a cave appeared before me.

 

It was clean and large. It was empty of life. Once flowing water had carved soft sandstone into useable shapes around the granite outcrops as if the loving hand of God meant for people to live here one day….the stream still flowed down the center and this cave was not anything like I recalled the ones from…youth? Was I ever young? No stalactites or stalagmites hung or sprouted from even bare floor or o’er arching vault….yet at once no human hand carved these shapes as round and comfortable looking as those above ground in a desert I had once seen….vision of a red sandstone ring and Carlos….another valley…another place….but those had been carved by human hands in the green oasis 700 feet down in the valley of tall spires…..this was not that. I closed my eyes a recalled flying over the Himalayas on Google Earth….

……This was not Earth….was it?

Before me was a kind of rounded table and a kind of rounded stump next to it so i sat down and scooped some of the cool water that flowed right past into my ‘hand’ and it was so that I was solid enough to hold this water too…..I brought my hand to my mouth and emptied the small cup my palm had made to taste the water. It tasted like rain. Only a few drops was enough. I was becoming aware that there was no hunger or thirst here….only interest.

 

Cat eyed and sleepless i prowled the cool radiance that enhanced eyes could fathom….I kept going deeper into the cave and the walls narrowed to a sculpted hallway with an even, sandy pink floor. This hall meandered as aimless as the running water that once made it and I went deeper and yet still deeper into the cave and laid down to feel the power of the ground surge through my back and into my head as some connection was made and the power of a whole mountain was poised above me as if waiting for some command….I rolled to my feet once more like a cat and gloried in the flood of bliss that came from ease of movement…somthing in me snapped as a cable when it carries too much weight and the chord that sings the galaxies ripped up my back and I began to stalk as light as a feather on rice paper leaving no mark….deeper and deeper into the heart of the mountain until the rock was touching each elbow as if to escort me to some appointment….the woven material softly rasped the walls of red granite and now holes appeared in the stone….even my now attentuated eyes were having trouble piercing the dark and sound became my guide as I paused at each hole to listen,

“Baby don’t go to that party they will hurt you there”

“Moooooooom! Everyone I like will be there”

the next one,

“Nooooooooo! Don’t put her in the ground!”

Each hole told a story of life and death in pallid whispers and tears and the mountain contained them all….I thought to experiment and put my mouth to one of the holes and said,

“Listen to the voice of wisdom!!!”

But my own voice echoed back to me from some void beyond the walls and no one heard me.

In extreme awareness of aloneness I tried to hug the mountain and it tried to hold me in its heart and I knew i must leave quickly for the love of a mountain is forever and i would live in the dark….

Ignoring the wails and whispers fromthe holes I quickened my pace and soon saw pale light head and had to shield my eyes with one hand thought it was night…the starlight was a bright silver white…..

 

I was standing at the edge of a vast sea as the waves rolled in on themselves in lines of seven….seven sets of seven….no tide no moon….

 

All along the edges of where the cliffs met the sea there was a thin stretch of beach…I looked up at the sky for any sigh of any season or any indication of where I was but there was no Orion for the Fall/Winter and no Dipper for the Spring/Summer and no North Star that the Dippers’ handle pointed towards….no Seven Sisters no Mars no Venus….so Serpent…nothing I could recognize….i walked carefully along the narrow strip of beach and felt the side of the mountain on my left palm and the seas rythmic swashing sounds to my right…..at one point a rock jutted out and the waves splashed across is softly in the darkness but the beach ended and I had to wade in the surf….It became quickly apparent that the shallow part of the surf was also a slender thread as my right foot slipped off the sandy edge under the water in a rapid and deep drop but even as I was forced to swim around the rock i noted the odd absence of rip tides and undercurrents…also it was not salty….was it a huge lake? One so huge it seemed to be sea? It was a bit of a job to haul myself up from the water on slipping sand and back to the narrow stretch of beach…the whole thing seemed so precarious and there was, once more, a marked lack of lifesigns….no shells or debris on the beach….no dead jellyfishes caught out….the sand seemed to cling to my bare feet and body as if it was alive and I brushed it away as it dried….I wondered how long night was here….

 

As I walked once more a kind of odd reverie o’er came me and some how God seemed as far away as the past and as close….surely God would hear me talk and so often in my now quickly fading memory it seemed that was the only one to talk to most of the time…..

“God? If You made everything then surely you can hear me from anywhere….where is this place? WHAT is this place?”, The night winds off the sea were cool and caused me to shiver, “Please God….remember the night I talked to you from the swing hanging from the tree and mama had the concrete bench under the tree? Is it still the same? Why do I feel like that world has been gone now for centuries? GOD! PLEASE! How many nights have I begged you for a sign? A word? I MUST believe in You I keep talking to You….I must believe that you can hear me….I would not waste my breath on the wings of this wind for nothing….”, no sound but the licking of water on sand, “ANSWER MEEEE!!!!”, I screamed at the stars and they winked at me. There was a book once….a man in that story had called the stars ‘campfires’ of other people living far far away.

Camp fires…where was I to find fire? Did I need fire? The shore line kept going like a game I once played called ‘Spore’….Was I supposed to be tired? Was I supposed to be thirsty? I dropped acid once and had no idea if I even needed to pee….this felt like then….the fruit was wearing off and how much time I had walked was impossible to say….

“GOD PLEASE!!!! PLEASE I BEG YOU ANSWER!”, crying I fell to my knees and then wondered if I should continue crying…would it change anything? God must be there to here me….The faint smell of rain…the way wet earth smells signaled a change in terrain….I beat the side of the moutain with my fists and all I did was hurt my hands and even that was….

….was NOT.

So I rose with the sun that rose in what I would have once called ‘west’ but now had no referent for and kept on and turned a corner and saw a wide delta land where birds would have been if I were….

….but I wasn’t.

 

The rock itself had rivulets carved in it from water flowing towards the sea….the rivulets ran in grooves laid down by lava flow countless centuries ago….carefully i picked my way across them….some felt slimy as if some very basic life form was eating the rock that would one day maybe be the soil for some plant life….The sun was big and orange coming over the horizon and the way it looked yesterday the orbit of this world was perhaps elliptical….slowly crossing the solid mass of streaming rock bed as it converged inland at yet another stream I saw a fantastic sandstone courtyard all carved by Time Itself in spiral and arches and fantastic shapes! Water trickling from white volcanic rock faces that fell over old granite and I fancied there were rock gnomes trapped in the rock from the humanoid shapes within it….

 

as I scanned the rocks now turning a pale pinkish orange in the rising sun and the strong lacy shadows cast in Mornings Eyes and slowly walked under and arch through less than a centimeter of lightly rippling water and touched those fastastical shapes that towered before me and following the spire of one with my eyes I hugged it wishing….it knew this somehow and seemed sorry…one rocky outcrop 600 feet up, at LEAST caught my eye and i followed where it pointed and realized that the rock wall was very very high and the the top was hidden by the highest clouds in the sky….even the idea was shocking….the water was tickling my toes again and the rocks seemed to warm more under my touch…

 

Walking carefully over the watery rock bed I went to the sheer face and noticed holes in the wet white basalt and looking farther up saw another opening in the rock and began to climb the sheer face using the holes for support for bare feet an hands. I seemed to have done this before somewhere called ‘Red Rock Canyon’ but ….where was it now? WAS IT even now? My body remembered the way to hold it’s fingers on certain kinds of slant and how to lean into the rock face and it seemed from this porous wetness I should get raw fingers and toes or perhaps slip but the rock seemed to want me to climb it….the old focus of ‘plan-move plan-move plan-move’ kicked in and reminded me of driving and as my body took over the task I recalled the day I sold my car because I was no longer allowed to drive….but here….here this seemed…insignificant. Here were no roads….no gas stations….The wind lifted my hair off my neck almost like a caress and seemed to say something…I had heard this too…when….when was I ever a child? The wind knew me…how could that be so? This was not the aeonium of pre history for some new world….was it? Before there was time to dwell on what no longer existed I was able to place one crooked arm and then another over the lip of the open rock face and pull my body up as one knee hauled the rest of me over and rising once more from the floor of a tunnel I stared ahead and realized that the rock above was riddled with curious holes slanted so the light shown in dimly from the outside day….Racking my once packed brain for a geological explanation I could find none….and then decided it no longer mattered anyway….still wondering why i was not thirsty or hungry or tired or…..all bodily functions trapped in some trip that was more rational that seeing music and smelling purple…..

 

Somehow the light diffused through rock and glowed as two bare feet padded upwards in another tunnel….spiraling one way or another as if this was once highway for some giant snake and always light coming in the holes….so I knew the ascent was staying close to the outer wall….sometimes the vines with the yellow fruit hung into the holes and I ate of them even while knowing it was to see in the dark alone…the taste…the taste still weird and the feeling still as if I had eaten nothingness…for many days I climbed without sleep or need for it knowing night and day only as the fruit came at the intervals night came….it was awesome to be able to walk and walk so….not even in life was I ever so strong…..yet mentally I knew this tunnel also had to end as the mountain tops on any planet must end even if they breach the sky so i was not afraid to be there at all in what seemed an endless white and then glowing monotony….there was a ‘top’ to this and i was still ‘breathing’ or at least I believed I was….

 

At some point it was night. my trail led upwards out of the cave and entered a flat mesa type mountain top….the silvery white stars and sky glowed as the latest fruit juice melted to nothing on my tounge. Before me in this pure light were seven glowing white marble (?) colomns in a half circle and between each colomn were three red lilies growing….there were four white marble basins with a shallow layer of absolutely still reflective water over luminescent green moss of some kind which lined the basins and begind that was a green, thick jungal that felt as if it hid some kind of life….something in me felt like to be singing….

 

I went reverently to the edge of the mesa and looked down. Last year 1000000 years ago i was on that airplane where my head hit the ceiling and had a window seat….the clouds in the day looked like a vast expanse of snow and this was even more awesome as the vast expanse of snow was so far below me as pale as mercury or silver nitrate….it was like looking at the patchwork quilt of green fields fromthe sky only these were snow fields in the air and just as far below, it seemed, as 20,000 feet above ground would be….I laid on my stomach on the ground and put my chin on my hands and looked out over the cloud lands and wondered what sunrise would look like from this height….this opened up so many ideas….if i were so high above the sunrise how long before i might cast a shadow? I had no idea of direction at this point…where WERE east and west? How would I know? if I wanted to pray what should I do? Then I laughed out loud…..

….God was everywhere God could hear me.

 

I got up and, still laughing, raised my hands to the night sky…there was a song a man named ‘iqbal’ wrote once on earth long before i was born and that was the song that i was recalling now and smiling like all the joy of the universe i remembered learning all the words and needing a translation and I sang it:

” Khudi ka sirr-e-nihaan

La ilaha il Allah

khudi hai tegh-e-fasaan

La ilaha il Allah

La ilaha il Allah

La ilaha il Allah

La ilaha il Allah

La ilaha il Allah

Khudi ka sirr-e-nihaan

La ilaha il Allah

khudi hai tegh-e-fasaan

La ilaha il Allah….”

The song was a long one and I sung it over and over like some mantra and thought God could surely hear me….and as I sang it light came pale from below and….I ran to the edge and looked down as the sun rose it lit the OTHER side of the cloud fields and the snowy white clouds glowed with orange neon where they thnned and awe filled me up like a river overflowing its banks and I laughed and laughed and laughed….

 

I closed my I eyes and imagined the one of the things missing from this valley as his cyber words ran through my mind as if it was yesterday…I always did love the sweet way he mangled English…I closed my eyes and wished and thought about the time he asked if i really loved him…he asked three times….and then, even though we were in voice chat,he was so shy he typed it, I closed my eyes and savoured the words on the morning breeze…..

“If you really believe that you love me then have believe in as well and faith that to me you are one hell of a woman and most prittiest woman. To me you are among those few lucky ones that get to be so pretty and I can do anything just to have you….that would be the happiest moment of my life to have you as mine….

……later it’s up to you to throw plates at me or whatever but one thing is for sure; that I’ll consider my self to be the among the few luckiest guys who get to have some beauty in their life as theirs only….

….a beauty like you.

I’m nuts about you dammit! do you understand that! Why do you think I keep coming back? You are so perfect in every way. I love you so madly.It really makes me sob to realize that we are not together…..I miss you so badly…..every moment…..not even a single moment pass by without your thoughts….I wish I could show you how much I love you and I wish you could see how much I love you and how badly I want you in my arms….it’s like going through same torcher every second of my life…….

……I wish you realize how precious you are to me.

Please get over those screwed imaginations taht you are not pretty.

I love you so much. I wish we would have been together taht would have made it alot easier to prove to you how pritty you are and how much am I madly in love with you. I mean every word I say…I know I hardly ever say those words but when I do I mean those from the bottam of my heart….you have no idea how pritty you are to me….anything that is you is my pashion ….if it was not some sin…..or I was some Hindo guy I would have had you as my goddess to pray you day and night to get through this life.I already regret that why didn’t we ever came across before long time ago…..all that time spent without you….I regret taht so much….

….it makes me feel like I’m already in paradise to think of you….

would you please turn on your cam for a short wile before I leave to the old cleric?”

I had turned on my cam then…all old and fat and 46 years then…and saw his face and his thinning hair and his joyful smile……

 

Suddenly I felt arms slide around my waist and I felt his breath in my ear and his need hard on my back as his voice whispered in my ear til it tickled and I tried to twist away as his arms tightened,

” you are so spell bindingly pretty you witch cause it’s you my true love….I love your eyes…. I love your lips…. I love your cheeks….and I love your chin and I love your hair….. I love your neck…. I’m telling you of my true feelings….my heart is pounding so fast just by looking at you”

 

Unbelievable! Was this paradise? My Paradise? Was this him?

“Have my baby….” he whispered…

 

I turned to him and saw the sun rise high enough in the sky behind his head to make it seem that he wore a crown and closed my eyes and leaned into his embrace as every dream we ever dreamed came true on a strange mesa in a strange, new world and as a soul of light met one of light and became one in warm orange and red I felt my heart beat fast and opened my eyes……

………six feet from my face was the greyish white ‘popcorn’ style ceiling that all old buildings had….in my peripheral vision was the table I put my mouse on and the other one that held food and drink….the drone of the window unit A/C….the cool air coming out at me…..beside me on one of the tables the lifeless box that was my life…..until I turned at on…..everything within ten feet of me…..upstairs….in a place my mother hated to be…while she and Wasim fought over what they needed from me and a wave of pain and dizziness came and I hoped that one day I would climb red mountains….

 

With a deep groan i rolled over and pushed myself up….and limping over to the bathroom as pain shot up one ankle I washed my face and arms and hands….I sat in the chair….and I thanked God I was cool and had food….and another day began….

 

Dream of Dreams

The Nameless Valley

Written By Mary S Ahmed

I opened my eyes and there it was…so familiar somehow as if I had lived there a million lifetimes. Red canyon walls of steep red granite and sandstone surrounding a valley that seemed like doors of birth to Earth Herself and the thought occured, “If I climb those walls and look out over the edge am I born again?” Then I laughed at the ridiculous thought. Down the center of the red valley flowed a shallow stream as clean as if no human had ever set foot here. Was I really here?

No People.

I realized then how easy it has been to sit up and leaned back touching the rough, sun warmed rock with the palms of my hands. It felt gritty and alive and the sand beneath me seemed to want to touch me back. I looked down an saw I was on a narrow pink sand bar and became aware of water tickling my toes as if it had some mind of It’s own as well. The sun was blocked by the west canyon wall and as i sat there, musing, time fled and I noticed the warmth directly over head had come from the WRONG DIRECTION! Heart racing I jumped to my feet looking wildy around as realized I was not anywhere I KNEW and then it hit me:

I had jumped to me feet! JUMPED!

“AHHHHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA” I screamed at the universe and realized I could SCREAM! the wild impulse of long delayed need slammed me like some unseen fist as laughing and crying and screaming I started to sing an old song I had adapted from one religion to another LOOOONG ago!

“My God

Is an awesome God

God reigns from Heaven above

With wisdom, power, and love

My God is an awesome GOD!!!!!”

Over and over I sang and whirled like a dervish in one spot in the flowing water in the middle of the valley….I was the only living thing…The only sound.

Gasping for air and swaying with vertigo I fell in the water and wondered why there were no animals? The stone bottoms of the shallow stream were hard but I was not hurt and I realized I was wearing some kind of garment…long and rustly coloured and hand woven it seemed like the ‘Salwaar Kameez’ from…from…

…I sat down very troubled. Where was everyone? Why was it not sad that there was no one? My family…my mother…even my mother seemed as if she had lived a long life and died happy thousands of years ago….? I whispered to the breeze, “I love you mama….” and it seemed the breeze kissed the…tear? Was I crying? The sun had passed to the other side of the canyon and I began to walk aimlessly as energy seemed to flow up from the ground and it seemed like yesterday and epoch ago I had fought with panji and loved tariq and wished I had my own apartment and that the motorized wheelchair had come. Mama…she always had to drive from the next town to bring me food and she was so old then already…how old was I now? Did it matter?

I tried to see my reflection in the stream but it was too shallow and sparkly. I looked at my hands and yet somehow it seemed that i was more existance than flesh…yes there were hands and they flexed as hands do and they…but they were NOT too and yet…I stopped walking for a moment. My brothers, Micheal, Sajid and Wasim…they belonged to another time now…maybe another planet even….My sisters all gone in the light of times streaming onwards with their grace, beauty and perseverance. I should be sobbing with the loss…only one tear for my mother? Who were those who I hated so back then?

Silence.

No names even left to me now…I looked upwards and spoke to God and wondered at the azure sky…neeli aasmaan…sapphire…ruby…lost in some daze of…of…aching throat and trembling heart…words coming…gracias narangi…mom was blanca chica but with cafe espiritu…

Mama…east and west were now truely opposite. 

Deepamji…what planet did you get now? Thomas…where are you now? Are you in Native American heaven with your father? No. These thoughts were useless now they came from so long ago even the memories were no longer mine. Only the connection of the Mother on the kiss of the breeze mattered as it became dark and some new primordial dusk fell…was I an Eve? A Liillith? Did it matter? The tickle of the breeze was becoming a wind soughing down the canyon as if the sky would make love with the earth and I stopped to feel the great joy as it pushed against me and I pushed into it….where would the stars be now? Kahan Tahreek? J’ai nothing…word salad…the last cold purple chasing warm orange. Vines appeared hanging over the edge of the high cliffs…at least 1000 feet above me. Think hairy vines with yellow fruit on them…I picked one of the glowing yellow globes and bit into it and the pupils of my eyes became wide so the darkness was pleasant and everything limned in a phosphorecent shimmer. The fruit was hot, tart, sweet, salty and bitter all at once…a cave appeared before me.

It was clean and large. It was empty of life. Once flowing water had carved soft sandstone into useable shapes around the granite outcrops as if the loving hand of God meant for people to live here one day…the stream still flowed down the center and this cave was not anything like I recalled the ones from…youth? Was I ever young? No stalactites or stalagmites hung or sprouted from even bare floor or o’er arching vault…yet at once no human hand carved these shapes as round and comfortable looking as those above ground in a desert I had once seen…vision of a red sandstone ring and Carlos…another valley…another place…but those had been carved by human hands in the green oasis 700 feet down in the valley of tall spires…this was not that. I closed my eyes a recalled flying over the Himalayas on Google Earth….

……This was not Earth….was it?

Before me was a kind of rounded table and a kind of rounded stump next to it so I sat down and scooped some of the cool water that flowed right past into my ‘hand’ and it was so that I was solid enough to hold this water too…I brought my hand to my mouth and emptied the small cup my palm had made to taste the water. It tasted like rain. Only a few drops was enough. I was becoming aware that there was no hunger or thirst here…only interest.

Cat eyed and sleepless I prowled the cool radiance that enhanced eyes could fathom…I kept going deeper into the cave and the walls narrowed to a sculpted hallway with an even, sandy pink floor. This hall meandered as aimless as the running water that once made it and I went deeper and yet still deeper into the cave and laid down to feel the power of the ground surge through my back and into my head as some connection was made and the power of a whole mountain was poised above me as if waiting for some command….I rolled to my feet once more like a cat and gloried in the flood of bliss that came from ease of movement…somthing in me snapped as a cable when it carries too much weight and the chord that sings the galaxies ripped up my back and I began to stalk as light as a feather on rice paper leaving no mark….deeper and deeper into the heart of the mountain until the rock was touching each elbow as if to escort me to some appointment….the woven material softly rasped the walls of red granite and now holes appeared in the stone….even my now attentuated eyes were having trouble piercing the dark and sound became my guide as I paused at each hole to listen,

“Baby don’t go to that party they will hurt you there”

“Moooooooom! Everyone I like will be there”

The next one,

“Nooooooooo! Don’t put her in the ground!”

Each hole told a story of life and death in pallid whispers and tears and the mountain contained them all….I thought to experiment and put my mouth to one of the holes and said,

“Listen to the voice of wisdom!!!”

But my own voice echoed back to me from some void beyond the walls and no one heard me.

In extreme awareness of aloneness I tried to hug the mountain and it tried to hold me in its heart and I knew i must leave quickly for the love of a mountain is forever and i would live in the dark….

Ignoring the wails and whispers fromthe holes I quickened my pace and soon saw pale light head and had to shield my eyes with one hand thought it was night…the starlight was a bright silver white…..

I was standing at the edge of a vast sea as the waves rolled in on themselves in lines of seven….seven sets of seven….no tide no moon….

All along the edges of where the cliffs met the sea there was a thin stretch of beach…I looked up at the sky for any sigh of any season or any indication of where I was but there was no Orion for the Fall/Winter and no Dipper for the Spring/Summer and no North Star that the Dippers’ handle pointed towards….no Seven Sisters no Mars no Venus….so Serpent…nothing I could recognize….i walked carefully along the narrow strip of beach and felt the side of the mountain on my left palm and the seas rythmic swashing sounds to my right…..at one point a rock jutted out and the waves splashed across is softly in the darkness but the beach ended and I had to wade in the surf….It became quickly apparent that the shallow part of the surf was also a slender thread as my right foot slipped off the sandy edge under the water in a rapid and deep drop but even as I was forced to swim around the rock i noted the odd absence of rip tides and undercurrents…also it was not salty….was it a huge lake? One so huge it seemed to be sea? It was a bit of a job to haul myself up from the water on slipping sand and back to the narrow stretch of beach…the whole thing seemed so precarious and there was, once more, a marked lack of lifesigns….no shells or debris on the beach….no dead jellyfishes caught out….the sand seemed to cling to my bare feet and body as if it was alive and I brushed it away as it dried….I wondered how long night was here….

As I walked once more a kind of odd reverie o’er came me and some how God seemed as far away as the past and as close….surely God would hear me talk and so often in my now quickly fading memory it seemed that was the only one to talk to most of the time…..

“God? If You made everything then surely you can hear me from anywhere….where is this place? WHAT is this place?”, The night winds off the sea were cool and caused me to shiver, “Please God….remember the night I talked to you from the swing hanging from the tree and mama had the concrete bench under the tree? Is it still the same? Why do I feel like that world has been gone now for centuries? GOD! PLEASE! How many nights have I begged you for a sign? A word? I MUST believe in You I keep talking to You….I must believe that you can hear me….I would not waste my breath on the wings of this wind for nothing….”, no sound but the licking of water on sand, “ANSWER MEEEE!!!!”, I screamed at the stars and they winked at me. There was a book once….a man in that story had called the stars ‘campfires’ of other people living far far away.

Camp fires…where was I to find fire? Did I need fire? The shore line kept going like a game I once played called ‘Spore’….Was I supposed to be tired? Was I supposed to be thirsty? I dropped acid once and had no idea if I even needed to pee….this felt like then….the fruit was wearing off and how much time I had walked was impossible to say….

“GOD PLEASE!!!! PLEASE I BEG YOU ANSWER!”, crying I fell to my knees and then wondered if I should continue crying…would it change anything? God must be there to here me….The faint smell of rain…the way wet earth smells signaled a change in terrain….I beat the side of the moutain with my fists and all I did was hurt my hands and even that was….

….was NOT.

So I rose with the sun that rose in what I would have once called ‘west’ but now had no referent for and kept on and turned a corner and saw a wide delta land where birds would have been if I were….

….but I wasn’t.

The rock itself had rivulets carved in it from water flowing towards the sea….the rivulets ran in grooves laid down by lava flow countless centuries ago….carefully i picked my way across them….some felt slimy as if some very basic life form was eating the rock that would one day maybe be the soil for some plant life….The sun was big and orange coming over the horizon and the way it looked yesterday the orbit of this world was perhaps elliptical….slowly crossing the solid mass of streaming rock bed as it converged inland at yet another stream I saw a fantastic sandstone courtyard all carved by Time Itself in spiral and arches and fantastic shapes! Water trickling from white volcanic rock faces that fell over old granite and I fancied there were rock gnomes trapped in the rock from the humanoid shapes within it….

as I scanned the rocks now turning a pale pinkish orange in the rising sun and the strong lacy shadows cast in Mornings Eyes and slowly walked under and arch through less than a centimeter of lightly rippling water and touched those fastastical shapes that towered before me and following the spire of one with my eyes I hugged it wishing….it knew this somehow and seemed sorry…one rocky outcrop 600 feet up, at LEAST caught my eye and i followed where it pointed and realized that the rock wall was very very high and the the top was hidden by the highest clouds in the sky….even the idea was shocking….the water was tickling my toes again and the rocks seemed to warm more under my touch…

Walking carefully over the watery rock bed I went to the sheer face and noticed holes in the wet white basalt and looking farther up saw another opening in the rock and began to climb the sheer face using the holes for support for bare feet an hands. I seemed to have done this before somewhere called ‘Red Rock Canyon’ but ….where was it now? WAS IT even now? My body remembered the way to hold it’s fingers on certain kinds of slant and how to lean into the rock face and it seemed from this porous wetness I should get raw fingers and toes or perhaps slip but the rock seemed to want me to climb it….the old focus of ‘plan-move plan-move plan-move’ kicked in and reminded me of driving and as my body took over the task I recalled the day I sold my car because I was no longer allowed to drive….but here….here this seemed…insignificant. Here were no roads….no gas stations….The wind lifted my hair off my neck almost like a caress and seemed to say something…I had heard this too…when….when was I ever a child? The wind knew me…how could that be so? This was not the aeonium of pre history for some new world….was it? Before there was time to dwell on what no longer existed I was able to place one crooked arm and then another over the lip of the open rock face and pull my body up as one knee hauled the rest of me over and rising once more from the floor of a tunnel I stared ahead and realized that the rock above was riddled with curious holes slanted so the light shown in dimly from the outside day….Racking my once packed brain for a geological explanation I could find none….and then decided it no longer mattered anyway….still wondering why i was not thirsty or hungry or tired or…..all bodily functions trapped in some trip that was more rational that seeing music and smelling purple…..

Somehow the light diffused through rock and glowed as two bare feet padded upwards in another tunnel….spiraling one way or another as if this was once highway for some giant snake and always light coming in the holes….so I knew the ascent was staying close to the outer wall….sometimes the vines with the yellow fruit hung into the holes and I ate of them even while knowing it was to see in the dark alone…the taste…the taste still weird and the feeling still as if I had eaten nothingness…for many days I climbed without sleep or need for it knowing night and day only as the fruit came at the intervals night came….it was awesome to be able to walk and walk so….not even in life was I ever so strong…..yet mentally I knew this tunnel also had to end as the mountain tops on any planet must end even if they breach the sky so I was not afraid to be there at all in what seemed an endless white and then glowing monotony….there was a ‘top’ to this and i was still ‘breathing’ or at least I believed I was….

At some point it was night. my trail led upwards out of the cave and entered a flat mesa type mountain top….the silvery white stars and sky glowed as the latest fruit juice melted to nothing on my tounge. Before me in this pure light were seven glowing white marble  colomns in a half circle and between each colomn were three red lilies growing….there were four white marble basins with a shallow layer of absolutely still reflective water over luminescent green moss of some kind which lined the basins and begind that was a green, thick jungal that felt as if it hid some kind of life….something in me felt like to be singing….

I went reverently to the edge of the mesa and looked down. Last year 1000000 years ago I was on that airplane where my head hit the ceiling and had a window seat….the clouds in the day looked like a vast expanse of snow and this was even more awesome as the vast expanse of snow was so far below me as pale as mercury or silver nitrate….it was like looking at the patchwork quilt of green fields fromthe sky only these were snow fields in the air and just as far below, it seemed, as 20,000 feet above ground would be….I laid on my stomach on the ground and put my chin on my hands and looked out over the cloud lands and wondered what sunrise would look like from this height….this opened up so many ideas….if I were so high above the sunrise how long before I might cast a shadow? I had no idea of direction at this point…where WERE east and west? How would I know? if I wanted to pray what should I do? Then I laughed out loud…..

….God was everywhere God could hear me.

I got up and, still laughing, raised my hands to the night sky…there was a song a man named ‘iqbal’ wrote once on earth long before I was born and that was the song that I was recalling now and smiling like all the joy of the universe I remembered learning all the words and needing a translation and I sang it:

” Khudi ka sirr-e-nihaan

La ilaha il Allah

khudi hai tegh-e-fasaan

La ilaha il Allah

La ilaha il Allah

La ilaha il Allah

La ilaha il Allah

La ilaha il Allah

Khudi ka sirr-e-nihaan

La ilaha il Allah

khudi hai tegh-e-fasaan

La ilaha il Allah….”

The song was a long one and I sung it over and over like some mantra and thought God could surely hear me….and as I sang it light came pale from below and….I ran to the edge and looked down as the sun rose it lit the OTHER side of the cloud fields and the snowy white clouds glowed with orange neon where they thnned and awe filled me up like a river overflowing its banks and I laughed and laughed and laughed….