Rich Auntie

She was sitting in the commons like a fat white goddess. Her sitting stance window pane flat, hanging over the edges of the chair where the bottom meets the setting.
Long hair in frosted streams poorly concealing double faces bedecked with all the requisite jewels and brand names with THE PURSE.

If you saw her you might, mistakenly, think she did not belong here. Perhaps she is a visiting auntie. The rich auntie that comes and takes care of the family schizo.
“Hey HEY!” she motioned me over rather imperiously. So I zoomed over in my power chair which is provided by the state. She looked at me strangely. I was not certain what, exactly, she was looking for in me but it felt like she maybe wanted to filet me and cook me for dinner. Her smile was gentle and kind on the surface but something insane was lurking just beneath it.

“I just moved here. I hate it here. What’s your name?”

“Jan. What’s your name?”



“Yes my father is a doctor. I hate it here. Nobody likes me.”

She started to cry copiously. I was this same way when I was in grade school. An easy crier. I learned not to be over time.

“What’s wrong?”

Gasping and choking on the words she told me.

“I am fat I AM FAT I am too fat I went on Jenny Craig and Weight Watchers and I want a boyfriend and I hate my bathroom I can only use the one here in the commons and the other people here got tired of cooking and cleaning for me and I can’t smoke whenever I want I have to go out to my car and drive it across the street and…”

Ahhhhhh NOW I knew who she was!

She was the talk of our whole building! You must understand we are all sad, pitiful people with little in our lives so we are horrid gossips and terrible to each other, while smiling, most of the time. This was the ‘new’ woman who had every other resident living here that was able COOKING and CLEANING and FETCHING and RUNNING and, while she obviously had access to lots of money, failing to pay them with the requisite cigarettes she promised because it’s cheaper to give cash! If she had a different personality she could have easily had a boyfriend! The people who had helped her were angry at being treated like servants by someone who didn’t seem to understand she was doing this. They wanted a carton of cigarettes! NOT 20.00 dollars!

“If you need help you can get help that some of us here do. If your doctor says you qualify you can get a person who comes and helps you clean house and stuff and you can keep your money and buy more cigarettes!”

At this time the 70 year old lady who could twerk at the Christmas parties walked by and came and sat down and said to the choking, crying woman, “Look at Jan here! She can’t walk well and she is happy! She doesn’t need a man and she is fat too just like you! You can be happy! Kathy, upstairs, she is fat and she has a boyfriend! Look at me I am 70 years old and even I have a boyfriend! Just don’t set such high standards and you can…”
Princess was really crying now! Miss Twerk’s boof was a 30 year old hobosexual, he was homeless and he lived with the old woman so he could have a PLACE to live but princess didn’t know that part. Miss Twerk sighed and left the two of us alone again.

“My head is ringing! I want yoghurt so bad! I want yoghurt and a cookie! I want a cookie please please do you have a cookie?”

“SURE! I will be happy to help out!”

I zoomed back to my room and got a yoghurt and a cookie and a plastic spoon. I took them and zoomed back and smiled and gave them to her. She grabbed them and held them to her body like she was terrified someone would take them from her. She quit crying and, with trembling hands, she opened the cookie and, looking furtively in all directions like a small dog ready to attack, she bent her head down so low it almost hid the action of taking a shameful bite. I left her in respect to whatever was tormenting her but I wondered why it was she reminded me of a small dog? Who had done things to her that made her into this tiny princess trapped in a huge monster body?

I already knew my own story.

Insaanirant To My Muse

When my mind boils over
I don’t need anyone to care
I write my words like a battle
To remain
Nothing matters…
Only the explosion of thought
The spiking chill of heat loss
My soul speeds
It travels past my body
It sits next to you
It holds your heart inside
You are my muse
You chant each word
You make me cry out feeling
Like an insane carnival vendor
King of the impossible
You are love

Tick tick tick
Defcon minutes hardly left
Now a meeting of the goth
Pay a fee to see it all go BOOM
Watch the pretty colours…
Holding a cocktail in your hand
Beautiful cancer necklaces
Bedeck Russian necks
Let’s race to MAD-ness
Lets make the Seismic meters jump
With our power let’s pluck
Our angel-harp
Let’s give the stratosphere a kick
Let’s see if we can create cyber life
Let’s invent our way into being divine
But we can never make the mind
That makes the things of the mind
There had to be a tree to clone
There had to be an atom to split
Humans didn’t make the raw material
We use to destroy
Holy pretenders
You who think you are more than nature
More than life itself
Who want to own the world
Who won’t live to own six feet of it

While dictators destroy
Let’s leave reality
Meet me over on the corner
In the garden at the rose garden…
Let’s trespass
A public park
In the deep night when crickets sing
To a back beat water plash
A fountain in the dark
I will be there
Wearing a smile just for you
Watch you hop the stepping stones
One side you fall
Azaleas everywhere
If there are other eyes we cannot see
Let them be silent with jealousy
Cool breeze on wet skin
Easily a robe can fall
In heap around our feet
Warm on warm sweat slide
Kisses up your neck
Shameless while the world ends
Arms linked in the eternity symbol
Body to body
Heats the oldest rhythm in the world
Release almost hurts
While dictators destroy
Let’s leave reality

The human heart is war
It’s chariots manned with smokeless fire
Destiny wrote a final war to end them all
The dead beneath our feet still see

Love is a bloody thing
Why is killing so cold until it’s done
Since human created from clot
You look at life you took alone
Release the red to consecrate
Snuffed it sticks to dreams
Since time exploded from a dot
Races with the guilt you can’t erase
Radiant to desscicate
This loss of face
Conquering the whisperers
Haunted by the blood of sins
Escape to space
Beleaguered by the demons
The army of the heavens comes
Those with whom deals were made
Floating into melted bones
Who should live and who be dead
Rolled back for all eyes to see
The chess game stops
We must manifest destiny
All hold their breath
Roiling poison rolling in the clouds
All await
Gods unto ourselves
He will ride in from the skies to save
The mother who birthed us
Those who rule the world
Creating legends from the dead
Will beg to die
Beat the splitting heart of Her
Unheard torments forever bear
Waking giants from their sleep
Racing towards destruction
Hear the drums
Like mercenaries long ago
Earth shakes on conquerers quest
Screaming bloody smiles
We will be reaped
Ready to die for nothing
Walls are made to destroy
When all are gone
In one fell sweep of scythe
The earth will rise up
Laws to break
Repair the broken weave
She will cut the threads
Angels will sing
Your name is innocent
Far past forever’s end
We buried them at Nicaea
Only if you win
When women cry no more
You are exempt from sin
Only women weep for the dead
In this world we think we made
War forever in Hel
From sweat and blood
Conceived these things
Our own minds alone
Kill maim destroy all but your own
Whispering in leaders ears
Who needed angels to teach
Spilling oil in the oceans
Oceans will leap with joy
When we erase ourselves
For now

My pantry is full
Homemade cream pie in the ‘fridge
‘Clothes are clean
‘Cat is fed

Alone with Yiruma
Chinese actions heroes
Beautiful Pakistani faces
Alone with a keyboard
And one mouse
The music swells
My heart sails off on sound
I have the medicine I need
Alone with a cream pie
Eaten all alone
To replace the hug that isn’t there
Because I had to be equal
Alone with Yanni
Khal Hona Ho
Drums and grass dancers
Wen Dai Aho
Rapping freestyle by myself
Alone with the music
Fighting off memories
Exceptions to the rules
My bed is clean
I slipped once after years
For one night of nothing
It is always nothing
The few and far between
Just need
Anything would do
If it came with even fake affection
My toy-box here is full of sweets
A few good friends
No shoulder to cry on all alone
I cry upon my own
I share it with everyone else
It is a strong shoulder
This curseful blessing
No man is strong enough
The ones I love I cannot have
The ones I can have do not love me
You can have everything you need
And have nothing
I am holding out for eternity