Heading for a Broken Heart

She’s
Headed for a broken heart
She doesn’t know it yet
But I think she suspects

She
Recalls the guy she left
Cryin’ in the drive way
When she left him that day

She
Went to where love lives
She was sitting on a chair
Another girl was there

His
Mama and his Gramma
His whole family
Was there to have some tea

He
Leaned over the table
Whispered through his mama’s hair
“That’s your daughter over there!”

She
Looked to where he said
It was the new girl he had met
From his college days jet set

She
Was the girl no man could have
She just laughed and kicked the fools
She was well equip’t with tools

She
Looked at the girl in the chair
Looking at the man she wanted
With sad eyes oh so haunted

She
Looked at the newest girl
That girl looked back at her
Then looked at his mother

He
Was smiling happily
He had most everything
A young man like him could dream

He
Walked right out of her life
He left her standing in the drive way
The day he went away

She
Knew soon he would find out
The same thing that she learned
About how you get burned

Life
It always comes around
No one can stop the time that comes
When you get what you gave plus some

Then
You have to see the truth
Or be doomed to repeat
Failing to complete

I
Write this from where I stand
Knowing what I see
Once again will be

This time it won’t be me….

Become the Cookie!

2008-10-10 15.57.32

It isn’t ‘either/or’ it is ‘and/and’.

That is something people sometimes don’t understand about me. Most do but most are not trying to marry me. The very few who want me all to themselves, for some reason, miss the point that there are people in the world I love and the choice is not ‘me or everyone else’, the choice is ‘me AND everyone else.’

I have been in long term marriages and relationships with people who defined the meaning of ‘relationship’ as ‘either/or’. I was that was once myself and imposed a vast loneliness upon myself thinking that was the right thing to do.

It isn’t.

What happens when it is either/or is the eventual growth of dependency, martyrdom and, in the end, actual dislike. People in healthy relationships have ‘others friends’ and having those friends does not mean they are cheating and much of the time those friends are the same gender and they are not gay OR lesbian.

Human beings need approbation from each other. We need good times and a circle of love to live in. We need more than one friend and even, sometimes, if we are very lucky, more than one ‘bestie.’

I am not gonna lie and say I am perfect. I play here every once in a while and those people have respect and they KNOW that the ‘love’ that we have is based on a solid understanding of reality. I don’t stalk their pages to see what girls they like and, actually, I don’t chat that much with them either and they know I don’t cam and they respect the kind of person I am and I try to give that back and if I KNOW someone is married I step back.

But the last couple of years I hardly do that anymore either. Only once in several months. I am getting older and less interested in that stuff as anything more than ‘word games for the brain.’ A friend from a long time ago taught me this term, ‘mental masturbation.’ I didn’t do it with you either kid because I just couldn’t. I ‘lost it’ and did that with someone a little more mature. Someone who understands he and I are never going to be together and has no expectations of me and treats me like a good friend still.

It’s weird because being online is kind like interactive TV. You might really have a crush on someone and, in the old days, you got to stare at a movie or a poster and the only interaction was the one you had with yourself. Now you can go online and find ‘hotties’ with cams set up that do nothing all day but ‘interact’ and the chances of the one who is in love with that girl (and guys too these days!) will get that one for a life partner are about as probable as getting to marry Leonardo DiCaprio or Angelina Jolie.

It gets a little bit ridiculous but we can’t help ourselves even if we have self control. The world might see someone who never does anything wrong and that one might be carrying around ‘Justine’ in their head and you would never know it. That brings us back to what I started. It can never be, in the real world of real people, ‘either/or’. No matter HOW MUCH you want that big cookie all to yourself SOMEONE is gonna bite it while you aren’t looking. That is life.

That big cookie is love and everyone loves that big cookie and if you are gonna love people you are gonna be sharing that big cookie with the whole world and that big cookie might have sex in it but it really has nothing at all to do with sex and everything to do with basic human needs. The thing that makes people the most loved and envied is not how much of that cookie they can eat but whether or not they have the ability to ‘become the cookie.’

One

Out of the storms
Coming back up slowly.
I’m going to get a rainbow.

Are you still there?

You are the diyah in my mind.

A bright star
Shot through my heaven
In a lightning bolt
Leaving tracers
In these cloudy human eyes.

Even the stars they die.

Perhaps the greatest gift
Is not so much time

Waiting for eternity.

I think of your face
I smile.
So many years you sang the words
Flying through my hands as birds
Rolling through the sky
Try and see the universe.

Right now at this moment
You are just waking up
From the dreams
We used to talk about.

I know that you thought of me too.

Some days

I’m so sorry on the inside
I’m going to be important to someone.
Not as a child is for a mother
Or a teacher to a pupil,
But as a friend,
Of incredible love,

Maybe not here on this earth.

Today
Someone told me
There are those who believe
Lucifer did not bow to injustice man
Only because he loved God
More than me.

Maybe in this
There is also a certain respect:

In this we are going to suffer time less here
Leave more quickly for Paradise

While the inhabitants of the earth
A war to argue for nothing
The scholars and the sadhus contemplate
Nothing

We spend our lives screaming
For moments that mean less than sand.
Moments that mean less of each

….and yet every one that I spent with you.
No regrets for a single one.
You are worth every tear
Every tear a smile waters a flower
In the memory of my heart.

You are the love.

Within the Dream

Squeeze the wind from the tartan bags
Pluck the raindrops from the stringed harp
Blow away last year’s leaves with sharp exhales
Upon the flute play the bodhran boom
Vibrate the skies and fill the eyes
Until they make rivers
Fill the seas and dance on feet
World wandering wonder’s beheld
Never leaving the dream of dreams

Is Anyone At Home

Two hundred numbers in my phone
Is anyone at home
To make a new connection
There are days I think I’ll call them all
Shock a stranger to a call
To avoid the introspection

Yes I’m looking for a new friend now
Like the one from childhood
No one since then was like her
Do those come only once a life how
Rare it is for one life’s runner
To find love that close and good

I am not crying it’s just allergies
I eat pink pills all day to kill
The constant sneezing nose
Now that the rain is gone the flowers
They will make me wish for stone
Alone that is the way it goes

How I wish that I could sing it all
But I can only hear it in
My head so I live within again
If I can just wait one more day ’til Fall
I still forget about it all
Until it once more starts to rain

Cosmic Main Street

From the years of the beginning called my heart
Searching for impossible dreams
This journey aims ever at it’s start
Vagabond soul curls anywhere warm and sweet
Always looking up for angels wings
Protecting me here on Cosmic Main Street
Sitting on a curb near the corner of Retrospection
Knowing I will doze a moment
Held close to your resplendent affection
For an instant in your distant universe we spin
Outside of these dimensions
I had to travel to find you my soul twin
Hours you have fired the hand that scribes
Poor words to tell a story
Of the quest one heart seeks and confides

Sufi

When I met him he was a giant Panda bear. He was an ex-student of a false teacher. He never said that I just got that impression ’cause later that same guy told me to be nice to his cousin cause he had no dad and was not right in the head. So I accepted that cousin back as a friend and he was just as rude as he ever was and he even said his cousin lied about him…that he had a dad. For the longest time I believed the Sufi Guru and did not speak much with his ex student who would never say what had happened between them. To the great Sufi guru’s credit he was always kind to me in a distant way….but it turns out that his student was much more accesible.

At first we did not talk much until we began to chat on skype and the timing was the timing of the asshole brigade attacks….,(he would not like me to use these words but this is who I am), I still cannot figure him out. Sometimes I think people are there with him when we speak and I am part of a lesson on what not to be but then other times I think he is such a peaceful and calming force. Of all of my friends online only two could save me from rage by thier natures. One is Pretty….The other one is Sufi.

In the wake of the star of the evening sinking below the horizon and missing people who are precious beyond explanation to me is this calm, quiet, unpreturbed voice telling me tales of miraculous sheep that no one remembered a week later and, in the beginning, tales of how the tribal warriors came from Afghanistan to Pakistan.

I don’t know what it is about his voice and personality that can make me feel calm when I am raging and cussing people who, even though they deserve it, hurt me more by being angry to them then it does them because such people are heartless and care nothing for other human beings…unless it serves them somehow….

Weird things are happening…..somehow he is connected.

For you then, Sufi, this lovely poem….

 

 

 

The Road To The Nameless

We are born,

We roll, then crawl…..

We finally stand and grab onto something and LOOK around,

Look at the trees,

All green things!

The high blue sky!

How tall and beautiful!

Look at the stars…

Tiny pinpoints of giant lights expoding outwards…

Feel the cold water ripple over your feet in the clear stream…

Smile into the sun on a cold day and howl into the moon on a cold night…

And sing to God Almighty….The one and only great nameless creator of all…

Without gender,

Without explanation,

Let men come and go….

Let humans leave and join as waves embrace the shore of the heart,

Always taking a bit of sand with them.

Someday there will be no beach….and the ocean will carry my heart.

And the hands of that one Almighty God will hold me like a child,

And I will rest ,

The Great Nameless One men try to name,

With the attributes men understand.

Let That One witness me…that one KNOWS my heart and my search…

Allah,

God,

Whatever name men have given you,

All Merciful,

All Bountiful,

All Benificent,

It is only on this feeble faith i stand and yet I STAND!

If All men go I love YOU…

If all turn thier backs I LOVE YOU…

If you never answer in words….

I LOVE YOU…..

So it is in NO MANĀ I shall place my faith and love….

For in spite of that which is dark in me….

There is also LIGHT!!!!!

Beloved,

Beloved,

Beloved,

Beloved of the heart…

I am staggering….run to me beloved hurry!

RUN!

Light
Light