12,613 Kilometers Away…(dedicated to three leaves of the same green)

(Song by Jason Mraz)

…on the other side of the world is this amazing person.

Yeah this is a love story but it is not a typical love story about a man and a woman and how they fall in love on the net and get married and all that…this is a different kind of love story: the kind where one human mind falls in love with another human mind.

I know you love me. I love you too like corn loves to pop. In real life we are both realists and we know how things are. You love your homeland. You are not looking for a ‘free ticket’ out of your beloved mountains and I am not a ‘cougar-hag.’

We have been online friends for over five years now and we were close from the start.

We are soul twins.

We don’t bother about the ‘if this and if that’ because ‘if’ never happened and we don’t waste time offering each other sloppy dreams and lies. I can do that and I have and you probably can too but that is not how we are with each other. I only know that when you message me, from 12613 kilometers away, my whole world has a smile drawn on it like a kindergarten kid would finger paint on life with ice-cream.

I tried to write romances about you and end them where anything more than what we have now begins. You are holy somehow. You are like an angel and I am terrified to make you any more than that. I would rather bask in your presence and enjoy the soul that sits next to mine on this cosmic freeway we wrecked upon and talk about things that never happen on earth…

…only in dreams.

We we stop and sit on the side of the cosmic freeway it feels a little bit like heaven must feel. My shell I inhabit, my world, and everything in it fades and is replaced with the beautiful green things in your mind. In your mind I have walked mountain trails and I have smelled the Eucalyptus trees. I have watched the clouds form rain and smelled the earth across the pregnant stomach of the planet we share. The constant pain I live with goes away and I smile until my face cracks.

I have written stories with you. I have written ideas for you and made groups for you. I have broken photos of you until the crazy beauty of your soul came though and hit people between the eyes. I have taught you language and you have taught me courage. I supported you in every dream and plan until they became reality and you thought you sat next to greatness not realizing that only the great can sit there.

I have shared parts of me with you that no one else on earth knows about and was shocked you still loved me even though you knew those things. I have missed you when you were gone and posted this to you the entire year I heard from you only once. You are so beautiful wearing cinnamon and smiling. I thought you were a marine from Texas for the longest time but I know now you are international in the scope of your mind. I love you so much. You cannot imagine how much.

Over these years you have been my soul, my heart, and my brain. I would not trade any of you for the travesty of what the world names as ‘love.’ I would keep you forever young, forever beautiful, and forever a part of those great people who inhabit the grandest halls of my mind.

You are LOVE!

When Real Life Happens…

…there is not as much time for writing or thinking things in depth. Yet sometimes something beautiful happens and you hear from a special person you wanted to talk to for a long long time.

Some people are soul mates.

Not from male/female passion or even lust but from something past the human ability to give a name to and trying to find a word is like trying to find a single charmed quark in the whole of the known universe. You don’t know why you love them so much you only know you do love them and if there were words big enough you would use them but all you want to do is just grab that person and hug them tight and never let go; not so the action can lead to sex but so you can try to become one person with that person, like a Vulcan mind-meld.

If you are blessed you get one in a life time but if you are really blessed you meet them more than once wearing more than one face. The faces are not ‘traditionally beautiful’ they have the beauty that surpasses that of mere mortals and transcends into the ‘awe-inspiring.’

I see a bird in flight on one face. A bird like a hawk with eyes like a galaxy in the dark and a smile whose signature is joy…on another face I see the eyes of a wise man who lived a 1000 years and the mien of earth, like mountains, with a mind that spans the world and all that is in it…on another face I see the naughty angel who fights an inner jihad much like my own and I see eyes like the part of the sky that has only the faintest stars in a sea of mysterious black on a canvas as fair as cream on feet that pose like a cat poised to strike. Inexplicably I love them almost as much as I love myself. They joined the pantheon of great souls in my life with the golden eyes that shine sun on me and with the deep, curly voice that is like a coiled snake that guards my heart…

…These are loves past human comprehension. Not the love of family only although some are ‘family’ and not the love of brother or sister although some have that role with me…

There is love in this world that thrills to a mere presence, a knowledge that someone is there with you even if it is only in spirit.

How can I be sad when I have been showered with this much beauty to behold in my life?

Essay Number 83756013976.12 On Love

In Love, no one wants to be second place to another person.

We all want to be first place…

…or at LEAST equal and ‘equal’ is not that easy or simple.

I understand when a guy online, who I really care about, does not want to keep me. (That hardly ever happens but it DOES happen every once in a while.) They have told me what they want. They want a girl who does not have a long list of male friends and admirers. They want a girl who has never been kissed. They want ‘age-mates’. This is understandable in love and I never push anyone to love me I don’t like to make people feel guilty so I just make those people special or I let them go free, if they are uncomfortable with me.

Over time I have come to view my male friends as ‘friends only’ and the idea of love as limited to ‘friends only’.

The reason for this is the same one those few I have loved have had about me: not wanting a ‘shared out’ person.

When male friends come to me upset about a girl they love and ask me for help they are automatically crossed off my list of potential ‘romance’ players. Girls we do this too so if you ever cried to a guy friend about another guy don’t expect him to automatically love you.

People may, indeed, choose to love someone who came to them crying about someone else and that happens too but you really cannot, in all fairness, expect someone to return your sudden passion if they already know how much passion you have had for others.

If you have had alot of passion for others and you suddenly decide you found THE ONE you should make it clear to the world, at the risk to yourself and all future possible romantic partners, that THE ONE is the world and all the rest should go take a hike by themselves.

You should trumpet this from the rooftops and you should delete all the other people from your life your cried about and be ready for the person you think is THE ONE to say,

“NO!”

Most of the time it is best to just be who you are all the time, up front. The guys who have the best luck with the most girls usually are public with the whole thing and really TRULY don’t care for any of their ‘harem’ girls over any of the others and the girls know this and they can leave or stay and that guy is not going to cry over them either way and everyone just has a good time. Those guys are usually Male Barbies. Same goes for the Gals.

You have to be extraordinarily good-looking and self absorbed to get away with that.

Right now I am not feeling very amorous. I am not looking for romance. I do not feel naughty. If I do I will write something and share it but I have (mostly) lost all interest these days because I miss someone. That is OK too. I will probably write some naughty story again one day BUT….

(There is ALWAYS a ‘but’)

…..I have a man online here who is ‘mine’ and I am not looking for another one. The one I have has been with me as a best online friend since 2006. We have an understanding. We know each other and we know both know life is fleeting and we could lose each other any time and we understand that too. We understand what it means to be, ‘together-apart’ and we understand we are free to be with whoever we want as time dictates. I could become less available online at any time and he could marry at any time and we are comfortable with reality.

Life guarantees us nothing. If we get anything we should be grateful for it whether it came for a day, a year or a decade and then was gone. The people we ‘owe’ the most to are our parents.

However much any of us are sinners we are still all human. No matter what you THINK you SEE of me you really have hardly begun the excavation of my ‘self’ even after a year…or two…or a life time. If you have known me a week then all you have done is look at the outside of the house I live in. You have not even stepped inside the door yet.

If you grant me a grand time with verbal master-pieces of word art I am most grateful and if I give that to you also be grateful. It meant we wanted to both do that for the time we did that and that may have only been that one time. We might write together. We might have a project together. Many things might or might not happen in this world but those things do not give me a ‘claim’ on you and your time any more than they give you a claim on mine.

This is why Marriage is such a huge and important act and why it should be the most holy. Because when you marry someone you are agreeing to make both of the houses you ‘live’ in ONE house. At that point you should not be letting strangers in your house and, male or female, you should no longer need the list of admirers as your personal train. Leave the trains to those who are not blessed with the gift of Love.

(By MshannonM)