Become the Cookie!

2008-10-10 15.57.32

It isn’t ‘either/or’ it is ‘and/and’.

That is something people sometimes don’t understand about me. Most do but most are not trying to marry me. The very few who want me all to themselves, for some reason, miss the point that there are people in the world I love and the choice is not ‘me or everyone else’, the choice is ‘me AND everyone else.’

I have been in long term marriages and relationships with people who defined the meaning of ‘relationship’ as ‘either/or’. I was that was once myself and imposed a vast loneliness upon myself thinking that was the right thing to do.

It isn’t.

What happens when it is either/or is the eventual growth of dependency, martyrdom and, in the end, actual dislike. People in healthy relationships have ‘others friends’ and having those friends does not mean they are cheating and much of the time those friends are the same gender and they are not gay OR lesbian.

Human beings need approbation from each other. We need good times and a circle of love to live in. We need more than one friend and even, sometimes, if we are very lucky, more than one ‘bestie.’

I am not gonna lie and say I am perfect. I play here every once in a while and those people have respect and they KNOW that the ‘love’ that we have is based on a solid understanding of reality. I don’t stalk their pages to see what girls they like and, actually, I don’t chat that much with them either and they know I don’t cam and they respect the kind of person I am and I try to give that back and if I KNOW someone is married I step back.

But the last couple of years I hardly do that anymore either. Only once in several months. I am getting older and less interested in that stuff as anything more than ‘word games for the brain.’ A friend from a long time ago taught me this term, ‘mental masturbation.’ I didn’t do it with you either kid because I just couldn’t. I ‘lost it’ and did that with someone a little more mature. Someone who understands he and I are never going to be together and has no expectations of me and treats me like a good friend still.

It’s weird because being online is kind like interactive TV. You might really have a crush on someone and, in the old days, you got to stare at a movie or a poster and the only interaction was the one you had with yourself. Now you can go online and find ‘hotties’ with cams set up that do nothing all day but ‘interact’ and the chances of the one who is in love with that girl (and guys too these days!) will get that one for a life partner are about as probable as getting to marry Leonardo DiCaprio or Angelina Jolie.

It gets a little bit ridiculous but we can’t help ourselves even if we have self control. The world might see someone who never does anything wrong and that one might be carrying around ‘Justine’ in their head and you would never know it. That brings us back to what I started. It can never be, in the real world of real people, ‘either/or’. No matter HOW MUCH you want that big cookie all to yourself SOMEONE is gonna bite it while you aren’t looking. That is life.

That big cookie is love and everyone loves that big cookie and if you are gonna love people you are gonna be sharing that big cookie with the whole world and that big cookie might have sex in it but it really has nothing at all to do with sex and everything to do with basic human needs. The thing that makes people the most loved and envied is not how much of that cookie they can eat but whether or not they have the ability to ‘become the cookie.’

Out There…

…somewhere I know there are people making love, watching movies with the kids, and maybe even making snow angels at night.

I am alone here but, somehow, all of the smiles and emotions of everyone I love are like the panoramic background of my thoughts. I feel you hugging, fighting, silently angry, laughing. and living real life. I get to do more of that all the time.

One of these days I will be like them too. Already it had started. Only weekends and holidays now do I have the option of ‘all day’ to choose from in between tasks and doctor visits and pain. Soon there will be more reasons to be gone from the boxed life.

The other day I cried until I made myself sick because I was busy being very very tired from living real life and when I found out I missed a precious friend I only got to talk to twice this year I went berserk and then stopped and wondered: “do they miss me that much?”

There is a feeling of guilt to leaving those who have come to rely on your friendship and company and a feeling of loss when you miss them because, even though people say the box is not real and the people in it are not real they ARE real. There are real hands typing real words on a keyboard somewhere with real feelings, hopes and dreams.

I can’t wait to start swim therapy.

I will be gone one or two hours every evening they have it. I can’t walk very well but surely I can swim! It means I may miss people. I have to learn not to cry over the precious ones.

You Cannot Buy The Colour Green

Walk on rainbows
Until you reach the sky
You are so lovely
Slide down the other side
Into the fearie gold
You cannot spend a penny of such
In any human market in the world
You cannot purchase sunlight
Or buy the colour green
Important things like climbing trees
… Running footraces
Take them not for granted
Fearie gold dissappears
When you try to see
If you lose it’s sight
You spend a Lifetime
Searching for ghosts
Walk on rainbows
Until you reach the sky
Race on fields of clouds
You can embrace wind
If you run fast enough

THIS ROOM SUCKS! (1998)

I like the frozen dragon-fly,

His winds span a respectable two inches,

There he hangs to wait for death….Motionless on grey branch,

He is a Mona Lisa on Nature’s musuem wall,

Like the cat-shredded furniture and old brown carpet!

I like the too early August Crimson suger leaves,

Too pre-season for comfort,

Standing out against the velvety late Summer backdrop of jangal green,

As a zit on Dresden china-doll skin….

I like the yellow gourds and wide leaved ground vines,

The Shame vines with fragrant purple puffballs,

The smell of red, wet, dirt and fish and healthy worms,

Born on the midwestern gale of the constant hard wind,

Carving red, clay-packt hills into Martian Landscapes.

I like the many species of deadly Nighshade,

Purple star shooting evil yellow cones like bright eyes.

Purple Burdock and and Yellow dock,

Vannilla Prairie Clover growing tall!

Garlic white star flowers wild in maidan,

Pale cream Horsemints taking over,

 Crispy brown pods of vetch!

I like the Trees: Hardy and stunted and drought proof!

The sweet grain grasses! The Sumac bushes…one for poison…

One for Prairie Lemonaid! Chew sour clover pods!

Skunk grapes and mulberries…crab apples and mad apples….

These all hang on while others die and fail!

I am glad the climate keeps greed from us!

But now I am stuck in a room….

I Will Dream Of You Again (2003)

I dream of you,

Sometimes in my sorrow fly to you,

You wield the sword for me with stronger arms…

Far away from me in the circle of YOU,

I straddle the realities…

I walk the line,

‘Twixt your dwelling place and mine,

I create the life in my own truth and yet lose youth,

You walk up behind me tall enough your chin rests on my head,

Pressed close together we mesh flesh in braided fingers,

Arms raised high we rise and FLY!

As one great bird arms melt,

Two wings to soar where air is rare and chrystal eyes see sharp detail….

 

You do not exsist.

 

You are myself…the man that I would be if I were man…My eternal counterpart,

My helix twin,

None know where I may end and you begin….

WE do not choose the bodies we are dealt,

You spirit hides in one so mortally imperfect,

You hide in one of the rejected wretches…searching…

I will dream of you again…

That man that I would be.

I will sleep and dream and strong flying we are free!

 

As If Words

Write not to remember or forget a dream that haunts as a ghost on a mountain top flying over old temples where breath fails and synapses separate blowing the mind outwards….

…as if words

Call out to me and from the distance I can hear your voice in the wind…the tone…the warmth…what did you say?

…as if words

A million words in a 10,000 poems in 1000 books in mindless delirium spoken for the sound of wishes…from this design created universes with ‘BE!’

…as if words

To cut as sharp or flay the mind or heal or snatch away reality…no matter past this…to heal to hold to love to make…

…as if words.