Become the Cookie!

2008-10-10 15.57.32

It isn’t ‘either/or’ it is ‘and/and’.

That is something people sometimes don’t understand about me. Most do but most are not trying to marry me. The very few who want me all to themselves, for some reason, miss the point that there are people in the world I love and the choice is not ‘me or everyone else’, the choice is ‘me AND everyone else.’

I have been in long term marriages and relationships with people who defined the meaning of ‘relationship’ as ‘either/or’. I was that was once myself and imposed a vast loneliness upon myself thinking that was the right thing to do.

It isn’t.

What happens when it is either/or is the eventual growth of dependency, martyrdom and, in the end, actual dislike. People in healthy relationships have ‘others friends’ and having those friends does not mean they are cheating and much of the time those friends are the same gender and they are not gay OR lesbian.

Human beings need approbation from each other. We need good times and a circle of love to live in. We need more than one friend and even, sometimes, if we are very lucky, more than one ‘bestie.’

I am not gonna lie and say I am perfect. I play here every once in a while and those people have respect and they KNOW that the ‘love’ that we have is based on a solid understanding of reality. I don’t stalk their pages to see what girls they like and, actually, I don’t chat that much with them either and they know I don’t cam and they respect the kind of person I am and I try to give that back and if I KNOW someone is married I step back.

But the last couple of years I hardly do that anymore either. Only once in several months. I am getting older and less interested in that stuff as anything more than ‘word games for the brain.’ A friend from a long time ago taught me this term, ‘mental masturbation.’ I didn’t do it with you either kid because I just couldn’t. I ‘lost it’ and did that with someone a little more mature. Someone who understands he and I are never going to be together and has no expectations of me and treats me like a good friend still.

It’s weird because being online is kind like interactive TV. You might really have a crush on someone and, in the old days, you got to stare at a movie or a poster and the only interaction was the one you had with yourself. Now you can go online and find ‘hotties’ with cams set up that do nothing all day but ‘interact’ and the chances of the one who is in love with that girl (and guys too these days!) will get that one for a life partner are about as probable as getting to marry Leonardo DiCaprio or Angelina Jolie.

It gets a little bit ridiculous but we can’t help ourselves even if we have self control. The world might see someone who never does anything wrong and that one might be carrying around ‘Justine’ in their head and you would never know it. That brings us back to what I started. It can never be, in the real world of real people, ‘either/or’. No matter HOW MUCH you want that big cookie all to yourself SOMEONE is gonna bite it while you aren’t looking. That is life.

That big cookie is love and everyone loves that big cookie and if you are gonna love people you are gonna be sharing that big cookie with the whole world and that big cookie might have sex in it but it really has nothing at all to do with sex and everything to do with basic human needs. The thing that makes people the most loved and envied is not how much of that cookie they can eat but whether or not they have the ability to ‘become the cookie.’

Wheel

Tonight
All wars are over
The last of distant bombs
Detonate

Over

Wandering landscapes
Hope sprouts
Into harsh air
Acid rain
Trying
To teach Earth
To breathe again
Crawling

Out

From holes in the ground
Living tombs
Stocked
With caloric need
They thought
Thinking
There would be
Something left

For the strong

Even Alexander
Cannot whisper here

Tears fade
Eyes look up
Wandering skies
Lost clouds
Uncertain winds wobble
Like uncertain legs

Feet pointed
Both directions
Envying the dead
Their peace

Resolute

Yet inside deep
The seed of survival
Seeks to recreate memory
Into reality
Into joy
Into towering perfection
Words spill
From quivering old lips
From dried tongues

Stories

Beings who flew
Beings who built
Beings who changed the earth

Into the world

Around new fires
New myths come
Everything has changed

Wide eyed
New children
So different
From those who used to be

Pretend

Build things
Called ‘Sky Scrapers’
Out of junk and stone
And say it was destroyed
By God because of pride
The days the world
Spoke one language

Fire rained down
Fire was the clouds
Fire was the only thing that lived

Everyone glows
This light from within
Entire creation

Glows

Radiates

LIVES in such
Those Dark Ages
Could not see

That the cover slipped
Off of now
Will be became
Was also present

All at once

The wheel
Invented all over again

Begins

To turn

Home

After the juice of life is gone
Some stain of it
Will colour the glass you drink from
That once held my spirit
Full of you
Like distant storms
Towering and cloaked in majesty
Wearing every word I wrote
Transformed into gems
Sewn into air
Falling like rain stutters on cement
Or slaps upon the sand
I will cup both hands
Until they fill with you
Sparkling dazzles into what I was
You will become real
Time will cease it’s rot
We will see the majesty
Braiding our being into epic love
Handfuls of your hair
Knotted at your neck
I will decorate you with all of me
Behind two closed eyes
This old tale told anew
The velvet and the bite
Lucent sweetness electric
Floods of thought angelic horns
Sonorous sound sliding
Over staccato rills melting
Into rain ice recedes
We heal one another trading
Love for pain that lesson you
Taught me in a dream
Becoming one together swaying
You became me
And I decided to live the time left
If you would hold me near you
Even while separated by dimensions
I feel your hands move through me
As if I were smoke healing
With such reverence
No never
Was I so precious to anyone
As I was to you
Who tried to appear
In a form like mine
Your love
That will wait softly
These human moments
Until I come
Home

Ragged Holes

Tonight I dance alone again
Fantasies I create
Illusions so perfect
Like a ballerina spinning
On a music box
The metal prongs
Twinkling out the tune
Plucked from ragged holes
Stabbed into a circle
I call my soul
You will be here with me
Although I am alone
There is no sorrow now
You are as free
As every note played
From every flute
On every lonely hill-side
Those holes sing
Every time the cold winds
Blow through
Your life breath playing
Music for me to dance to

Alone

Banquet of Loneliness

Loneliness
Makes banquets
From nothing

Crumbs

Snatching them
From the Floor of Life
Feeling the bliss
Melt
Into that abyss
Knowing you

Sold

For nothing
Thinking
The Riddle
With nothing
You die

Real?
Tomorrow

It will be
How you didn’t mind…
Red light spilled all over

Drunk

You in orbit
Maybe sore for days
What is real anyway?

Flaws…

Whatever

Tomorrow is

I could not take it all
Your hands pressing
Circling one soul’s home
Feeling each step
Unafraid of things

Holding

Two close…
I could not push you off
All the knots came untied
Arms and legs

In tangled heaps
How your weight took my breath

Curious

If you will be tomorrow
Making them not matter…
Not wanting to

Relax

Tomorrow is

Not here

Yet
Watching you smile
Strangely feeling fine

Today?

Out There…

…somewhere I know there are people making love, watching movies with the kids, and maybe even making snow angels at night.

I am alone here but, somehow, all of the smiles and emotions of everyone I love are like the panoramic background of my thoughts. I feel you hugging, fighting, silently angry, laughing. and living real life. I get to do more of that all the time.

One of these days I will be like them too. Already it had started. Only weekends and holidays now do I have the option of ‘all day’ to choose from in between tasks and doctor visits and pain. Soon there will be more reasons to be gone from the boxed life.

The other day I cried until I made myself sick because I was busy being very very tired from living real life and when I found out I missed a precious friend I only got to talk to twice this year I went berserk and then stopped and wondered: “do they miss me that much?”

There is a feeling of guilt to leaving those who have come to rely on your friendship and company and a feeling of loss when you miss them because, even though people say the box is not real and the people in it are not real they ARE real. There are real hands typing real words on a keyboard somewhere with real feelings, hopes and dreams.

I can’t wait to start swim therapy.

I will be gone one or two hours every evening they have it. I can’t walk very well but surely I can swim! It means I may miss people. I have to learn not to cry over the precious ones.

But It Won’t Be Inside Your Mouth

Yesterday was love
It seemed there were lessons to be learned
We always seem to need those on a holiday
Anyway
So I woke up from a dream I wished would be
But it was just a dream you see

And so I came to this conclusion:

Don’t believe in dreams
You’ll end up with both open eyes
Empty hands believe in only what is real
And lives inside you

Papa told once the truth
When I was just a youth
and I will repeat the same thing now for the you

Wish in one hand shit in the other one
See which one fills up faster
Do not place your hopes on movies stars or kings
When the movie ends you will be left with nothing
When the kingdom crashes down you will be all alone
With nothing in a pile of rubble staring
at your empty hands
Don’t put all your happiness
Upon another person
It is very likely one day they will be gone far away
And don’t imagine you are happy
Because you have a home
Because really
All it is is just a place for the sack of skin you live in
To reside

Abide in that skin and you’ll be home
No matter if the kingdom falls
No matter how the winds may blow
And if it all comes crashing down again
Just smile and walk off
Like the hero did
In the movie that you only just remember from a dream

Oh my friend don’t cry
Don’t let your soul belong to the world
World will betray you
Don’t let your mind get set upon a game
The game the game will slay you
Don’t let money be the only focus of life life or beauty
You will someday lose it all
You will lose it all and the angels will come to take you away

Nothing much will matter in the face of that day
The things you dreamed the most of then
Will have nothing to do
With the things you thought you loved outside of you
It will be the love you gave to
More than dreams
Love who you are
More than the dream and shooting stars
More than anything on earth love God

The rest is just the wind
Yes wind is beautiful
It makes the silent things sing out
But it won’t always be inside your mouth…

Dancing Alone

I knew this on a high red cliff arroyo
Still almost a child
Singing to the wind
Mind dancing and whirling
Exploding with ideas and emotions
… Arms tucked for the roll
Jumping the twenty with ease
Hit the slight slope rolling
Down deep in the soft red sand
Coming up with gritty eyes and smiles
Alone
Mom might have killed me for it
Almost killing myself
The incredible rush of power
Knowing what ‘ALIVE’ means
Dancing by myself in the sand
Long dry creek beds
Rattler Trails
Dance with myself I danced then
While the hooves
Of the black iron horses pounded
In the distance in time to my feet
Laughing alone
Dancing alone

The Circle

Racing winds
Rippling waters
Echoes tearing from tall canyons
Your many voices
The vibrations rolling
… Inside the rounded bones
The shelter for all thought
You live like some flower
Only one
Sweeter than roses
Cry out this chorus
To sing only for you
Until the rainbow
Is a circle
In vast meadows and mountains
Of white clouds under our wings

Go Out

Go out
Where the prints of big cats
Birds and buffalo mark soil
Go to the home of the Earth
Put your feet on the new green
… Lay in the tumbling waters
Hear the bees swarm
See the sun orange through
Lids closed in bliss
On the red bones on my land
See the homes of prairie dwellers
Smell the vanilla of clover
The perfume of pilgrims cologne
Eat the wild mulberries with me
Hand in hand
I will show you the paths
Made by the deer
The red flowered cacti
The sacred cedars
Come with me
Share my land
The tall skies and long grass
FLY! FLY! EAGLE BROTHER
FLYYYYYYYYY!!!!!

Good Luck!

(this is the kind of thing that happens to old English Majors when they are bored.)

 

 

Hahahahaha!

 

Write psych a like oh dressing on the words giggle giggle cause I’m nutso watch it out might off rub on ya! Hahahahaha ding dong mental cheesy ping pong eating fruit and cream in a nightmare of a dream…WAKE UP from the dingle berry dangled on a dogs butt world in mangled cherry chewing on a wall nut which would be me with tea spilled on the matress nothing for the moment that can get me any de tress cause I’m laughing like a manioc and banging padded walls while the words wiggle giggle and the brain food stalls in the halls of the holy where the supermen dance eating word salads on a whim and a chance and none of you will get it on a hot club sand witching spells watching which wag more dog tales in barrels on the streets of Greece in a vision and I am so sick of this shit I HAVE COME TO A DECISION! LIKE ME HATE ME IGGY ME BERATE ME I DON’T GIVE A DAMN FOR YOUR HIP DEEP DRAM like a poison in the shade rips the heart of the made to the the blow on time now imma climb fine to the top of the heap that mean less than nothing so go join your jerk jabber ain’t we sumpthin’ and if anybody wants to try to figure this out good luck if if you do just gimma a shout…