Become the Cookie!

2008-10-10 15.57.32

It isn’t ‘either/or’ it is ‘and/and’.

That is something people sometimes don’t understand about me. Most do but most are not trying to marry me. The very few who want me all to themselves, for some reason, miss the point that there are people in the world I love and the choice is not ‘me or everyone else’, the choice is ‘me AND everyone else.’

I have been in long term marriages and relationships with people who defined the meaning of ‘relationship’ as ‘either/or’. I was that was once myself and imposed a vast loneliness upon myself thinking that was the right thing to do.

It isn’t.

What happens when it is either/or is the eventual growth of dependency, martyrdom and, in the end, actual dislike. People in healthy relationships have ‘others friends’ and having those friends does not mean they are cheating and much of the time those friends are the same gender and they are not gay OR lesbian.

Human beings need approbation from each other. We need good times and a circle of love to live in. We need more than one friend and even, sometimes, if we are very lucky, more than one ‘bestie.’

I am not gonna lie and say I am perfect. I play here every once in a while and those people have respect and they KNOW that the ‘love’ that we have is based on a solid understanding of reality. I don’t stalk their pages to see what girls they like and, actually, I don’t chat that much with them either and they know I don’t cam and they respect the kind of person I am and I try to give that back and if I KNOW someone is married I step back.

But the last couple of years I hardly do that anymore either. Only once in several months. I am getting older and less interested in that stuff as anything more than ‘word games for the brain.’ A friend from a long time ago taught me this term, ‘mental masturbation.’ I didn’t do it with you either kid because I just couldn’t. I ‘lost it’ and did that with someone a little more mature. Someone who understands he and I are never going to be together and has no expectations of me and treats me like a good friend still.

It’s weird because being online is kind like interactive TV. You might really have a crush on someone and, in the old days, you got to stare at a movie or a poster and the only interaction was the one you had with yourself. Now you can go online and find ‘hotties’ with cams set up that do nothing all day but ‘interact’ and the chances of the one who is in love with that girl (and guys too these days!) will get that one for a life partner are about as probable as getting to marry Leonardo DiCaprio or Angelina Jolie.

It gets a little bit ridiculous but we can’t help ourselves even if we have self control. The world might see someone who never does anything wrong and that one might be carrying around ‘Justine’ in their head and you would never know it. That brings us back to what I started. It can never be, in the real world of real people, ‘either/or’. No matter HOW MUCH you want that big cookie all to yourself SOMEONE is gonna bite it while you aren’t looking. That is life.

That big cookie is love and everyone loves that big cookie and if you are gonna love people you are gonna be sharing that big cookie with the whole world and that big cookie might have sex in it but it really has nothing at all to do with sex and everything to do with basic human needs. The thing that makes people the most loved and envied is not how much of that cookie they can eat but whether or not they have the ability to ‘become the cookie.’

Never Gone

I erased the words

I began again
Weaving the words
Flying back and forth
Filling in the spaces

Sopranic soaring
A random impossibilty
No Fear to twist the threads
I love You like the Universe

You are the One

Come with me to suspended Time
With layers of excruciating sweetness
New patterns
Rippling notes shower down

You just became
A new reality
No fear to blend the incompatible
Holding You the hands of my heart

All of you

Peeking shyly from nearby trees
You are my Quest
Waterfalls of Love
Had You any idea
Flooding hearts with glory
Beauty is near You


Bliss is near You
Existing all at once
Immerse the Earth in Joy


Fear erased
Love is near You
Astonished angels look up
No mistake the Words
Windsong blown through stone
For Love will rule alone

Where erased

Threading for the treadles
Gifts falling from the heights
Into the open hands of the poor

Come with me into the Vortex
Late in the night
Atropos suspended

Spirit song

Deep in Dark
Reaching over everything
Appears to cut illusion
You are my Light

Leaning on You in my dreams
Now I can write new ones
Shining into space
Reaching under everything
Leave this old place
You will fly out
Time twists
Earth song
Leaving my existence

Hard and soft at once
I love You like the Unseen
Spinning threads for me to weave
Clean of traces

Sneak up on me
Melting into You
Oppositions unify
Spinning circles meeting forever
Surprise me

Come with me

See You with other eyes
Your perfection
Another unmet stranger
You will believe
Soul song


Lifeforce with me
No years given in vain
Illusive reality
Merged in one amazing whole

All of you
You are my soul
With me still
Singing in chorus


Never gone

If You Will

If you


For what I send
With good intent
I feel the smile
Needing your face
You are
Let me
Next to you
Here we
Will drink

The Wild Unknown
In unison
Soul to soul
If you


But It Won’t Be Inside Your Mouth

Yesterday was love
It seemed there were lessons to be learned
We always seem to need those on a holiday
So I woke up from a dream I wished would be
But it was just a dream you see

And so I came to this conclusion:

Don’t believe in dreams
You’ll end up with both open eyes
Empty hands believe in only what is real
And lives inside you

Papa told once the truth
When I was just a youth
and I will repeat the same thing now for the you

Wish in one hand shit in the other one
See which one fills up faster
Do not place your hopes on movies stars or kings
When the movie ends you will be left with nothing
When the kingdom crashes down you will be all alone
With nothing in a pile of rubble staring
at your empty hands
Don’t put all your happiness
Upon another person
It is very likely one day they will be gone far away
And don’t imagine you are happy
Because you have a home
Because really
All it is is just a place for the sack of skin you live in
To reside

Abide in that skin and you’ll be home
No matter if the kingdom falls
No matter how the winds may blow
And if it all comes crashing down again
Just smile and walk off
Like the hero did
In the movie that you only just remember from a dream

Oh my friend don’t cry
Don’t let your soul belong to the world
World will betray you
Don’t let your mind get set upon a game
The game the game will slay you
Don’t let money be the only focus of life life or beauty
You will someday lose it all
You will lose it all and the angels will come to take you away

Nothing much will matter in the face of that day
The things you dreamed the most of then
Will have nothing to do
With the things you thought you loved outside of you
It will be the love you gave to
More than dreams
Love who you are
More than the dream and shooting stars
More than anything on earth love God

The rest is just the wind
Yes wind is beautiful
It makes the silent things sing out
But it won’t always be inside your mouth…


What shall I write to You?
You who know all things
There is nothing I can tell you
You see my heart now
You can see all
… I have no words for
All things I need You know
There is no voice I have
To sing to You anything
No prayer I can explain
What shall I write to You?
You who know all things
You who can feel every wordless cry
Of this human heart
What gift can I know to ask for?
How can I even have wisdom
To know what to ask You?
Inhabit this wasteland then
I have made of my soul
Put back into it all those things
I threw into the gutter
I am emptiness without You
You are more than all things.

Secrets In The Mind


There are those you will love a day or two….like cut flowers in the vase,


There are those you will know for a moment through the money in it’s place,


There are those you will never see or touch who will live forever in your heart,


There are those who will make you smile and cry at the time vowed not to part……


A song may play or a scent waft past from cologne you once had smelled…..


Or a dream may fade that you held for years as it’s magic had you spelled……


Oh the heart can love so many, The heart can love them all….all,


But there comes a time not any…one is there in the night when you call…..


There are those who shared your youth, and those who gave thier souls….


There are those you give your life to save for a ragged heart of holes….


But in all the loves you ever love there is always one that shines bright…


And it seems to be the one we never get to have to warm our night….


Always young and always forever beautiful, the faults of time will never find,


The one who lives forever in the secret garden of your hidden mind.


Purple fields and red dirt running along black rocks that stuck together like you and me when things went crazy in the weather on the ground…Your soul runs with mine for a life time and like the rest you were the best and no matter what face you wore I always loved you more…You could never see the the things that way they really were and I was just as blind as you each time I met another ‘you’ and then like wind you came and went or like the wind I blew away the things that make the other stay and try to carry one with out each other on this mortal stage. Speak to me…Speak to me no more…where we built dreams in dirt or in each others heads like little kids and almost believed them and were by them decieved then and finally walked off to live another day alone…in the Unknown. No Tears are falling now no years are left to waste here will be the taste to be remembered for eternity you always love the ones you love they never leave they haunt you always when you grieve the last loss every bird comes homes to roost rent free inside of me…How can you LOVE open this heart ever again to love? It’s scarred beyond repair and nothing left of foul or fair the feelings gone like that tornado that touched down just for a moment and destructed everything deconstructed king and queen and the ashes that are left fly off in the wind before I can catch them in my hands and save them deep inside my heart there is no refuge but my art to tell you all I loved you all I love too much…with or without YOUR touch…the earth is like a grave yard full of broken hearts like a slave yard where the next innocent one will be purchased by someone with a heart of stone and live alone…ALONE…and scream into the emptiness the wordless cries that make the throat to harsh to speak and make arms weak and love lies dead with all the people walking alone in the street so unaware that anything left worthwhile is there….


I went from Myspace to Facebook after some friends told me how much more fun it was. That was a few years ago. I recall when Facebook would shut me down for commenting too much. It has changed alot over the years and so has the world.

Is it me or does anyone else notice the growing lack of ‘sweetness’ and ‘fun’ that once existed? Not just FaceBook, but everywhere (although I will use Facebook as an example), because now it is the most used, free social site of all. I left there. It had become a place of mass cyber attacks and random cruelty; indeed what was supposed to be a haven from reality became the mirror of reality with the exception of the idea of ‘Truth’. Yet even in REAL LIFE people will eat a lie quicker then they will a truth and call those who tell the truth ‘liars.’

I will never go back to FaceBook as it became too much like reality to be of any value to me; complete with wars and fights and accusations and asshole brigades. It is too bad. Facebook was fun for a long time and changed, or the world is a harder, meaner place than it was even 5 years ago.

It is sad.

Here in the silence I am with my powerchair and a sense of complete and utter dissillusionment with everything in the world. Those I pinned bright hopes on as Gurus and teachers turned out to be no more able or smart than I am and those who said they loved me will not even miss me much, if any, now that I am gone from there.

Some real life friends bring up some valid points that this will force you to live more real life. These ARE valid points, these people can also walk with ease, drink, party, and are not too weird to be embarrassing in ‘normal’ society.

I do not like what the world has become. Two minutes of Orwellian Hate is the norm now. “War Is Peace” (and truth is lies) Cameras follow us in and out of town, and the once unthinkable idea I read about in science fiction stories about face/voice chat are also now the ‘norm’. We have a new form of ‘Duckspeak’ we call ‘texting’ and the masses are told what to buy, love, do and create with alarming ease; (see FaceBook).

I have found out a few valuable things while participating the the ‘Shadow worship’ of the modern ‘cave’ of ‘Plato’s Republic.’ Among these things are the fact that humanity is surprisingly similar all over the world and that men and women do not change much except it seems we are not E-volving but DE-volving and one day like the obese denizens of the great ship in outer space from the children’s movie “Wall-E” and EMF will come along in the form of a solar storm or a war device and make us all go…..

….”HUH WHAT!!!!”