What Price?

What price is there
For living life the way you chose
How much did it cost
To get to the bench you sit on now
Watching flowers grow?

How many upside down
Glass cups of hash smoke
Broke how many cherries bled
In vans of orgies
We chose to attend
With peanut butter at the end?

How many plastic baggies fill
The land-fill
That were once filled
With Colombian Gold
Spanish missionaries never found
How much
Was every breath of nicotine
And every thing we dropped
In mystery
Not knowing what the end would be
Until it fooled us
We were free.

Yes we
Forgot who died
Who went into the wild
Sans the wisdom to know not
To eat the root
Yet wrote the book
After a life was gone
Here we are
We have to carry on
And on and on and on
Until we reach whatever we head to.

What is it that we seek
We never ask it
Until we’re weak and then it comes
In shocked surprise and dangles
Just before our eyes… yes:
A universal joke
That started with a daring toke
Ending when the hash-smoke broke
And left us standing here alone.

I would have married you the day
I ran my childish hands
Through still brown curls
But our world
Says that such a union is doomed for Hell
And so we knew it and we ever only blew it
In our minds because I’m certain
I was not the only one who felt that way
I did I knew too much
Though just a kid
I wished you would take me home with you
But you belonged to the world
For all you were a rebel man
And now the world passed us
In a thundering roar.
It’s too late to know the score and
There’s no chance for any more.

The short short days with halter tops
Were short short days until the youth stops
And the pride of place is lost
In the dub step shuffle of decades
While you hold the memories of years
Jewels falling out of trembling hands
Into the abyss of forever
All the places that you dreamed of are still
Nothing more than foreign lands
Full of the same war we fought
Over and over before just with different names
But it’s all the same King of the Games.

So here I am
Writing these words
While my old cat drools over birds
At his best place by the French doors
That maybe once let in oil-whores
That I ran with for long enough
To know what love is worth
For a night
After several drinks
When no one’s thinking
It will send and you won’t even know
The name of who it was thirty years later
You will only recall a ginger ass
Bouncing in the dark
While the starry skies flew over head
Wars came home
With coffins full of the dead
Blue skies fled across the hours and days and years….

…until it is that sunshine falls
Upon the public housing walls
And the wheeled walker
To the bus stop full of people
Your grandfather would cry to see you hug….

…or maybe smile…

…because we are only here such a very short while.

(photo by thecontrail.com )



…so many things wrong and so many things right all at the same time. In spite of the list of very real ailments I am blessed and things could always be worse…

…In sha Allah they will be better.

I always dreamed that this age and time in my life would be so much different. I dreamed I would have already seen the other side of the world and I would have married someone and been a part of a family.

It didn’t work out that way.

Maybe I should have let the men come to me to ask for me but I think, had I done that, I would maybe have become a nun or maybe a reluctant lesbian from sheer desperation.

Instead I spent my life hunting with the hunters…well at least the part of my life when that was possible…so many years this was not possible.

He is still very beautiful. He lives like a song in my head and probably always will. He has more than one name and face but he is beloved beyond compare. Each of him is special in different ways from the first ‘love-of-my-life’ at 29 years old to the first ‘best-friend-of-my-life’ just out of high-school. Never a princess or even a queen yet I was always needed before I left each one as the hurricane in my life moved me on intractable winds. How often I gave up the huge rebellion only to ‘get even’ with the smaller, and often more dangerous ones…

I am not very good with chaos. Much like the ‘Rain Man’ I best function in a well-ordered and predictable universe but, once upon a time, I escaped that for a fraction of my life.

It was glorious.

Anyway I am thinking of all the people I love…

This one’s for you…Love you

(Thank you Elton John)